What If There's No Love?!

A few weeks ago I wrote a post talking about loving your spouse and I talked about the fact that over the course of your marriage you need to fall in love with your spouse over and over. I explained that one way to do this if you're struggling in this area is to remember back to what you first loved about your spouse and build on that. Then about a week ago I received a comment on that post from a bit of a different perspective. This woman asked what should be done in a marriage where the couple had never actually been in love, they had married for all the wrong reasons and 15 years later there was no way to dig up a love that may have never been there. What then? I responded that I needed a few days to pray about it and I would do an entire post on that subject because i'm sure she is not the only person to have ever dealt with it. So here are my thoughts...

First of all my heart absolutely goes out to this lady and anyone else who may be facing this situation! It would be awful to be in a loveless marriage and feel like you're simply biding time until your kids grow and you can leave. That's a hurt i've not faced and can't even imagine. However I will say that, my heartfelt sympathy does not change what I believe the word of God says so I have to go with that instead of just the sympathy I feel for you.

Mark 10:6-9 says But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

This is the same thing that was said in the book of Genesis when Adam and Eve were created and God himself created marriage. That was a marriage that lasted, I believe for over 900 years. These were 2 people who literally met and married. There was no chance to get to know one another or fall in love. They met, married and were commanded to stay married. Period. This is not the only situation like this in the bible either. In fact, many marriages were arranged marriages, often times with at least the woman not even having a say about whom she was to marry and yet they were still told "What God has joined, let no man separate".

Now I am in no way advocating arranged marriages! However I am pointing back to when the covenant of marriage was created by God Himself, love wasn't even something He addressed. This idea that marriages should only last as long as "love" is there is simply not biblical! *I will say if there are issues like abuse or adultery happening that is a different situation entirely and should be handled completely different.*

I listened to C.S. Lewis chapter on christian marriage when I was considering what I should write about and he addressed this idea much better than I ever could. With that being said I will simply quote him and let him speak for himself...

"The idea that ‘being in love’ is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry.

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ for ever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change — not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last."

So you see, marriage is not about the thrill of being in love, yes that is a wonderful part and something that I wish for every married person. However, if you are living a Christ centered life and in doing so work to have a Christ centered marriage you will have to accept the fact that not feeling in love is simply not reason enough to end a marriage.

I am not saying that you have to accept that fact that you will live a miserable life in a lonely marriage! I am simply saying that you don't get to just walk away because you aren't "in love". You are going to have to put some work into the relationship. You may have to look for something, even a tiny little thing, that is even worth liking in your spouse and pray for it to build from there.

Something I have prayed many times in difficult situations is "God, i'm not willing right now, but i'm willing to be made willing". You may not be willing to work on your marriage and find ways to love your spouse, but if you can get to a point where you are willing to be made willing. God can do mighty things!

One last thing and then i'll be done for now... What if you married the wrong person? What if your spouse wasn't "THE ONE"? The moment you entered into your marriage covenant, they became the one! We don't live in an age of arranged marriages anymore which means that, most likely, you willingly chose to enter into your marriage. Hind sight is 20/20 and looking back on things maybe you should not have gotten married but that fact is you did. What is important now is what your chose to do with your marriage. God has given you ALL the tools you need to make your marriage work in His word. Will you use those tools? The choice is up to you...

Maintaining Your Marriage Relationship

When Colby and I first got married we had this idea that the hard part was over. We had come through a bit of a difficult time and finally got married. Now it was going to be smooth sailing right? Oh no! That's not how it happened at all. We went through a lot of pain and really awful times over the next two years but we did work through things. We worked really hard and actually built a great marriage.

However we had to realize that the work wasn't done there. Once we had worked through some of the really hard things and made some big changes to ourselves and our marriage we entered into maintenance mode. So here are a few ways to maintain your marriage relationship.

1. Have a solid friendship.
I have a few very close friends but I have to say, Colby is my very best friend. The definition of the word friend is "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade." Do you like your spouse? Do you know your spouse? Are you constantly learning new things about your spouse? You both are allied in the same cause, the cause of completing your marriage. Never forget that your spouse is supposed to be your best friend!

2. Meet each others needs-find out what their needs are and talk about your needs.
As i've said before, your spouse is not a mind reader, if you need something you have to tell them exactly what you need. Also, if your spouse tells you something that they need you have to do everything you can to actually meet that need.

3. Embrace who your spouse is.
This goes back to not trying to change your spouse. Learn who they are and embrace that. I love to have people over for dinner and my husband is much more of a home/family body. But he has completely embraced who I am and doesn't struggle with me when I ask to have friends over. Learn to love and embrace your spouse for who they are and don't try to make them into who you want them to be.

4. Set specific goals together.
You have to daily keep your marriage on your mind and constantly be planning together where you want your family to go. Dream together. Plan together. Be on the same page about your marriage, goals and dreams at all times.

5. Get back to the basics.
Whatever your definition of a successful relationship is, that is who you need to become.Learn to do the things for your spouse that you'd like them to do. You really do reap what you sow.

6. Ask only what you are willing to give.
It is simply not right to expect more from your spouse than you are willing to give. In your marriage you are supposed to give more than you are asking for, not the other way around.

7. Take responsibility for a successful marriage.
It takes two people to make a marriage work, and in your marriage you are one of those people. You absolutely can not throw everything off onto your spouse. Take responsibility for the success you see in your marriage and also for the flaws and failures you see in your marriage. You can't just throw it all off onto your spouse.

8. Commit to your marriage.
This is probably the most important one! More than any other tips or advice you could ever get in regards to your marriage, this will always be the most important thing. Without commitment to your marriage it will never last. You have to dig your heals in, hunker down and fully commit at all times to your marriage.


The fact of the matter is, when it comes to a good marriage, it's not just going to happen. You will have to constantly learn, love, change and grow together. Marriage will never be a "Get it, got it, good" situation. You constantly have to maintain it. But if you can keep yourself and your marriage in maintenance mode, and always be working on building your marriage you can see some great things come from it!

Love or Commitment

Have you ever heard someone say "Love is all it takes"? Or how about "Love is enough"? Or any other number of ways people say something like this? Then there's my favorites "We fell in love" or the opposite "We just fell out of love". Love, love, love. In the world we live in today people everywhere are obsessed with love and anything to do with love.

Now don't worry, this is not an ani-love post by any means! But I think before you can really deal with things you have to figure out truth and build a foundation that will stand, otherwise you'll end up like the man in Matthew 7:24-27 who built his house on the sand, and when the winds and the storms came his house fell. As wonderful and important to your marriage as love is, it is not what your marriage should be built on. Marriages are built on commitment, not love!

When my husband and I got married we were just barely 18. We had been together for about a year and a half and we honestly thought we had everything it would take to make our marriage work. We found out very quickly that we were wrong. We, like so many others, believed that all you need is love. We thought that as long as we felt those love feelings everything would be great, and of course those love feelings would never leave right? Wrong! It did not take long into our marriage to realize that we knew nothing about marriage and neither of us had any clue how we were supposed to make this marriage work. We were like that man in Matthew and had built the house of our marriage on sand.

In our first year we did so many things wrong but I honestly feel that the number one thing that hurt us was our view of what it took to make marriage work. See we had bought the line of "love is all it takes" and while love is so important in a marriage it does not come first and is absolutely not the most important thing.

The number one most important thing to have in your marriage is commitment. Absolutely, without a doubt, solid first. Without commitment to your spouse, your marriage, and the vows you both made to God, you will never last.

Just after Colby and I had been married a year things in our marriage had gotten very bad. We had both made some choices and done some things that almost destroyed our marriage. If i'm honest and completely candid here, I was done and wanted out. So I went to talk to my former pastor, basically to ask for his "ok" to end my marriage. I knew he hadn't particularly cared for my husband when we first married so I thought if I got his ok it would be good and I could just leave. I mean his ok would be pretty much like God's ok right?! But he didn't respond at all how I expected and it caught me completely off guard. I don't remember what all I said or what all he said but I do remember this one thing, he said "Jamie, if you want out of this marriage you will find a way out. You will continue to do things to destroy your marriage and eventually you will leave. Nothing will change until you decide one way or the other if you are actually committed to this marriage".

At that point it shocked me to hear him say that! I remember feeling like I was committed to the marriage but it was just an awful marriage so it would be better for us to both walk away and just start over. Notice the "BUT" in that sentence? Don't you just love how you can justify pretty much anything if you try hard enough?! When I first walked into his office I had no idea I wasn't really committed to my marriage, but I left there seeing I hadn't been committed at all and ended up gaining a new resolve to be committed to my marriage.

Now i'd like to say that I went home and everything became perfect instantly and we have never had any problems since then but I just don't want to lie! :o) Choosing to commit doesn't mean that you will never have problems or want to walk away, it simply means that regardless of the situation you will poor everything you have into it and simply will not quit. Completing your marriage is a HUGE success and no great success has ever been completed with half hearted commitment.

Take some time and evaluate your level of commitment to your marriage. Ask God to show you were it needs improvement and then talk to your spouse about it. Confess to him/her any areas you haven't completely committed resolve to increase your commitment.

Matthew 19:5-6 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder. (separate).

This post has been linked up with Time Warp Wife and Women Living Well.