What If There's No Love?!

A few weeks ago I wrote a post talking about loving your spouse and I talked about the fact that over the course of your marriage you need to fall in love with your spouse over and over. I explained that one way to do this if you're struggling in this area is to remember back to what you first loved about your spouse and build on that. Then about a week ago I received a comment on that post from a bit of a different perspective. This woman asked what should be done in a marriage where the couple had never actually been in love, they had married for all the wrong reasons and 15 years later there was no way to dig up a love that may have never been there. What then? I responded that I needed a few days to pray about it and I would do an entire post on that subject because i'm sure she is not the only person to have ever dealt with it. So here are my thoughts...

First of all my heart absolutely goes out to this lady and anyone else who may be facing this situation! It would be awful to be in a loveless marriage and feel like you're simply biding time until your kids grow and you can leave. That's a hurt i've not faced and can't even imagine. However I will say that, my heartfelt sympathy does not change what I believe the word of God says so I have to go with that instead of just the sympathy I feel for you.

Mark 10:6-9 says But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

This is the same thing that was said in the book of Genesis when Adam and Eve were created and God himself created marriage. That was a marriage that lasted, I believe for over 900 years. These were 2 people who literally met and married. There was no chance to get to know one another or fall in love. They met, married and were commanded to stay married. Period. This is not the only situation like this in the bible either. In fact, many marriages were arranged marriages, often times with at least the woman not even having a say about whom she was to marry and yet they were still told "What God has joined, let no man separate".

Now I am in no way advocating arranged marriages! However I am pointing back to when the covenant of marriage was created by God Himself, love wasn't even something He addressed. This idea that marriages should only last as long as "love" is there is simply not biblical! *I will say if there are issues like abuse or adultery happening that is a different situation entirely and should be handled completely different.*

I listened to C.S. Lewis chapter on christian marriage when I was considering what I should write about and he addressed this idea much better than I ever could. With that being said I will simply quote him and let him speak for himself...

"The idea that ‘being in love’ is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry.

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ for ever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change — not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last."

So you see, marriage is not about the thrill of being in love, yes that is a wonderful part and something that I wish for every married person. However, if you are living a Christ centered life and in doing so work to have a Christ centered marriage you will have to accept the fact that not feeling in love is simply not reason enough to end a marriage.

I am not saying that you have to accept that fact that you will live a miserable life in a lonely marriage! I am simply saying that you don't get to just walk away because you aren't "in love". You are going to have to put some work into the relationship. You may have to look for something, even a tiny little thing, that is even worth liking in your spouse and pray for it to build from there.

Something I have prayed many times in difficult situations is "God, i'm not willing right now, but i'm willing to be made willing". You may not be willing to work on your marriage and find ways to love your spouse, but if you can get to a point where you are willing to be made willing. God can do mighty things!

One last thing and then i'll be done for now... What if you married the wrong person? What if your spouse wasn't "THE ONE"? The moment you entered into your marriage covenant, they became the one! We don't live in an age of arranged marriages anymore which means that, most likely, you willingly chose to enter into your marriage. Hind sight is 20/20 and looking back on things maybe you should not have gotten married but that fact is you did. What is important now is what your chose to do with your marriage. God has given you ALL the tools you need to make your marriage work in His word. Will you use those tools? The choice is up to you...

It's About The Same Person

Some time ago I was perusing books at the christian book store and I saw THIS book titled "The Coffee Mom's Devotional". Being the coffee lover that I am I picked it up and started skimming through it. I didn't end up getting it but I did find a quote that has stayed with me. "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." by Mignon McLaughlin

I absolutely loved that! How often have you heard about someone getting divorced because "They fell out of love" or they're just " incompatible"? It seems to be one of the most common reasons for divorce these days, marriage is all fine and dandy as long as the gooshy in love feelings are there. But once real life kicks in and things get really hard, that's when you find out what your marriage is really made of! So often people choose to simply walk away and find a new spouse to be "in love" with.

I love my husband. I often get those gooshy feelings about him and he can still make my toes curl with a kiss. But i'll be very honest here, it hasn't always been that way between us. We have had times where we weren't "in love" with each other and during those times it was easy to think our marriage wasn't going to make it. Walking away would have been the easy choice. Sure, it would have hurt at the time and our kids of course would have been affected by it but we still could have done it. But instead of choosing to walk away we chose to dig in and fight harder. We chose to remember why we had gotten married in the first place, dig deep down where it had been buried and uncover the love we had for each other. And through those times, we fell in love with each other all over again.

If you're in a situation that is anything like this (because I know we were not the only ones to ever face this) I so strongly encourage you to not give up! It may seem like you've been fighting for your marriage for long enough and it's just time to give up but I beg of you, fight longer. Take some time and remember what it was about your spouse that you fell in love with to begin with. What did they do or say that made you go weak at the knees? What was it about them that drew you to them? Is there even a tiny glimmer of that still in them? If not, take the time to look for a positive characteristic that they have and put all of your focus on that. Encourage that in them and build that up. As I posted HERE you have the choice of who you talk to in your spouse, either the king/queen in them or the fool in them. I believe that every time you talk to the king/queen in them and see that rise up all over again it also causes that love to rise up as well.

Now think about your situation...where are you at in love with your spouse? Is this something you are struggling with? Do you need to fall in love with them all over again? I encourage you to give this situation, and your entire marriage, over to God. Ask Him to stir that love for your spouse up in you. You don't have to walk away and find a new spouse to be in love! Learn to once again love the spouse God gave you. It's often been said that love is a choice and I believe that with everything in me. You have to wake up everyday and choose to love your spouse. Regardless of what they do, I really do believe that the choice is up to you.

Love Seeks To Understand

For today's post I decided to do something a little different. I was recently thinking about the movie "Fireproof" and remembered one of the challenges from the "Love Dare" book, it was my favorite one in the movie and I considered giving my own spin on it but they did such a great job so I just decided to share the whole entry here. If you aren't familiar with this movie you can find the trailer for it as well as learn more about the movie HERE. Really read over this entry and put it into practice with your spouse starting today. You won't regret it!


Love Seeks to Understand


How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. – Proverbs 3:13

We enjoy discovering as much as we can about the things we truly care about. If it’s our favorite football team, we’ll read any article that helps us keep up with how they’re doing. If it’s cooking, we’ll tune to those channels that share the best grilling techniques or dessert recipes. If there’s a subject that appeals to us, we’ll take notice any time it comes up. In fact, it’s often like an area of personal study.

It’s fine, of course, to have outside interests and to be knowledgeable about certain things. But this is where love would ask the question, “How much do you know about our mate?

Think back to the days when you were courting. Didn’t you study the one your heart was yearning for?

When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. The mystery and challenge of knowing her seems less intriguing, and he finds his interests drifting to other areas.

This is also true in many cases for women, who start off admiring and building respect for the man they desire to be with. But after marriage, those feelings begin to fade as reality reveals that her “prince” is a flawed and imperfect man.

Yet there are still hidden things to discover about your spouse. And this understanding will help draw you closer together. It can even give you favor in the eyes of your mate. “Good understanding produces favor” (Proverbs 13:15).

Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a “college degree,” a “master’s degree,” and ultimately a “doctorate degree.” Think of it as a lifelong journey that draws your heart ever closer to your mate.

· Do you know his or her greatest hopes and dreams?
· Do you fully understand how they prefer to give and receive love?
· Do you know what your spouse’s greatest fears are and why they struggle with them?

Some of the problems you have in relating to your spouse are simply because you don’t understand them. They probably react very differently to certain situations than you do, and you can’t figure out why?

These differences – even the ones that are relatively insignificant – can be the cause of many fights and conflicts in your marriage. That’s because, as the Bible says, we tend to “revile” those things we don’t understand (Jude 10).

There are reasons for his or her tastes and preferences. Each nuance in your spouse’s character has a back story. Each element of who he is, how he thinks, and what he’s like is couched in a set of guiding principles, which often makes sense only to the person who holds them. But it’s worth the time it will take to study why they are the way they are.

If you missed the level of intimacy you once shared with your spouse, one of the best ways to unlock their heart again is by making a commitment to know them. Study them. Read them like a book you’re trying to understand.

Ask questions. The Bible says, “The ear of the wise seeks knowledge” (Proverbs 18:15). Love takes the initiative to begin conversations. In order to get your mate to open up, they need to know that your desire for understanding them is real and genuine.

Listen. “Wise men store up knowledge, but with the mouth of the foolish, ruin is at hand” (Proverbs 10:14). The goal of understanding your mate is to hear them, not to tell them what you think. Even if your spouse is not very talkative, love calls you to draw out the “deep water” that dwells within them (Proverbs 20:5).

Ask God for discernment. “The Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:6). Things like gender differences, family backgrounds, and varied life experiences can cloud your ability to know your mate’s heart and motivations. But God is a giver of wisdom. The Lord will show you what you need in order to know how to love your spouse better.

“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3-4). There is a depth of beauty and meaning inside your wife or husband that will amaze you as you discover more of it. Enter the mystery with expectation and enthusiasm. Desire to know this person even better than you do now. Make him or her your chosen field of study, and you will fill your home with the kind of riches only love can provide.


Today’s Dare

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

Acquire wisdom; and with all your acquiring, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)

Are They Before You?

We live in a very selfish world. Everyone is concerned about what they want, what they need, and whether or not their needs are being met. It's very un-natural to put another persons wants and needs before yours. But in marriage that's exactly what we have to do!

A little girl once described love this way "When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love..."

Have you ever shown that kind of sacrificial love towards your spouse? I believe those kinds of sacrifices are very easy to show at the beginnings of your relationship but get much harder as time goes by. And yet, in the later years it's so much more important.

I've thought and thought about this post all day and just can't seem to come up with much to add to this and my husband pointed out why. You see, sacrificial love is something that doesn't need a lot of explanation. I'm sure I could sit down with each of my readers and they could make a list of several things they could do to put their spouse first and show them that sacrificial love. But the question is, are they doing them? Simply knowing what to do isn't enough, you have to actually put it into practice.

So today, I just want to give you a little food for thought. Think about something you could do for your spouse, something that maybe they enjoy that you don't specifically, and go out of your way to do it. Over the next few days, go out of your way to put your spouse before yourself and give sacrificially to them in any way you can.

Walking In Love

Last week we talked about making the choice to love your spouse and how it’s a choice you have to make each day. Today let’s talk about walking in love. Ephesians 5:1-2 says “Therefore be imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father] and walk in love, [esteeming and delighting in one another] as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a slain offering and sacrifice to God [for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance.”

In the bible, the word “walk” often describes a lifestyle that someone has. If you look at this verse that way it says that we are to live like a copycat of Christ by living a lifestyle of love. Think about it, does God ever stop loving you? Are you ever bad enough or sinful enough that He just gives up and says you’re unlovable? No of course not! Even before we asked him to, He loved us. Romans 5:8 says “But God shows and clearly proves His [own] love for us by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One) died for us.”

That same love that Christ showed towards you is the love you, as a copycat of Christ, are to show towards your spouse. Did you notice in that verse that it said “while we were still sinners”? We hadn’t even asked for His love and He gave it. That should be your love towards your spouse. That is the love that you are to walk out in your life every single day. Don’t wait until your spouse asks for it or does something to deserve it. The love of Christ is freely given regardless of the circumstances.

I know that there are times you get mad at your spouse and if you’re anything like me, when you’re mad at them there can be no loving feelings. They just seem to disappear sometimes. But if you think that because you’re mad at your spouse you can’t show love to them, you’re not walking in God’s love.

Now I’m not saying that you have to be all gushy over them in the middle of an argument, but what I am saying is that you need to continue to act out love towards them no matter what situation you’re in. Don’t tear them to shreds because you’re angry. Show them kindness any way possible. Continue to sacrifice yourself for them even when it hurts and doesn’t feel like you should have to.

You know, sometimes it takes faith to walk in love with your spouse. If you’ve had a difficult relationship and there have been a lot of hurts, showing love to them can take a supernatural faith. In those situations I think it’s impossible to walk in love unless you’re walking my faith. You see, the God of love is in you, therefore His love is already in you, you simply have to make a decision by faith to release that love towards your spouse. Now I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but faith never makes anything easy, it simply makes things possible! 2 Corinthians 5:7 says that we are to walk by faith and not by sight, and I believe that goes for your marriage as well.

As hard as it may seem at times, work on making an effort to walk in love towards your spouse. Be aware of every word you say and action you show towards them and take steps to walk out and show the God kind of love in everything you do, even if it takes faith to do so.

Love

Those four little letters so often describe the marriage relationship to many people. People get married because they fell in love, and they just as often get divorced because they fell out of love. Our culture today is saturated with the idea of love. Everywhere you turn there is talk about love! There are novels about love, movies about love, kids in school think they’re falling in love, single adults out there looking for love…and the list goes on and on. But that term “falling in love” has always seemed a little funny to me. It’s as if two people are walking along on the road of life and out of nowhere, there’s a ditch of love in the road and they simply can’t control it, they just fall in! Sounds crazy doesn’t it?! But I really think that many people are out there waiting for that ditch to appear in front of them.

I however have a bit of a different view on love. I don’t believe you fall into love anymore than I believe you can fall out of love. I believe that love is a choice every single time. I’ve heard it said that “you can’t control who you love” and to be completely honest with you, I think that’s just ridiculous! I think this phrase comes from the world having confused the meanings of the words “love” and “lust”. I believe that you can’t control who you are attracted to but you absolutely can control who you love.

One of the problems people have when it comes to love is the feeling of love. If that feeling isn’t there then they must not be in love anymore right? But the problem with that logic is that love is not just about a feeling. Yes, there are those gushy feelings that one associates with love and I’m all for that, but that is not the kind of love it takes to build and maintain a marriage. You don’t always love your spouse because you feel it, you love them because you decide to.

Love for your spouse is not something you always wake up with. I know that people often get married with the idea that they will always feel those lovey-dovey feelings for their spouse but that’s just not how it works. Every single day when you wake up you have two choices, you can choose to love your spouse or you can choose to not love them. It doesn’t matter what they do, the choice is entirely up to you.

Ephesians 5:25 says “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” This verse makes it very clear that the kind of love that is needed in marriage is a very sacrificial love, one that causes you to give up all of yourself for your spouse. Too many times marriages have two people full of nothing but selfish love, a love that is all about them and what they want and that kind of selfish love can destroy a marriage.

Something you have to remember when thinking about love is that, love comes from God. 1 John 4:7-8 says “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.” So as Christians, the love of God is in us and that love is to be shown to everyone we come in contact with. If we’re to show that love to everyone we meet, how much more are we to show it to our spouse?

The world has their own idea of what love is and how it should be shown but you have to understand that the love of God is in you and that love is so much greater than the love that is in the world!

Now I know it is not always easy to choose to love your spouse, and I admit, I have not always made that choice myself. But each day is a new day and comes with a fresh choice to make. Today, will you choose to love your spouse? Will you take on the sacrificial God kind of love? As I said, it’s not always easy but it is a choice that as Christians and followers of God we are to make.

If this is something you are struggling with, I challenge you to read 1 Corinthians 13, which is the love chapter of the bible. Try reading it in several different versions so you can get a full view of what it says. It’s very challenging and yet it’s something that each person is called to. Next week I’ll be talking about walking in love so be sure to check back in.