Join me over at Time-Warp Wife for the rest of this post. It's part of her 31 days of love marriage challenge and you don't want to miss it. While you're there, take a look back at some of the previous entries!
Featured at Time-Warp Wife
Showing posts with label Guest Post. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Guest Post. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Do You Dream Together?
Have you ever had a dream? Something inside of you that you wished or hoped for? I know I have many things that I wish for and dream about having. I dream of having a Victorian style house with a wrap around porch. I dream of taking a vacation to Maine and spending time sitting on the beach with my husband, with my toes buried in the sand and just drinking in the sunset. I dream of the day that all of my children will finally be potty trained! I dream of being used by God and making a difference in this world. See, I have many dreams! But you know who else has dreams? My husband, Colby....
Join me over at Time-Warp Wife for the rest of this post. It's part of her 31 days of love marriage challenge and you don't want to miss it. While you're there, take a look back at some of the previous entries!
Featured at Time-Warp Wife
Join me over at Time-Warp Wife for the rest of this post. It's part of her 31 days of love marriage challenge and you don't want to miss it. While you're there, take a look back at some of the previous entries!
Featured at Time-Warp Wife
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Love Seeks To Understand
For today's post I decided to do something a little different. I was recently thinking about the movie "Fireproof" and remembered one of the challenges from the "Love Dare" book, it was my favorite one in the movie and I considered giving my own spin on it but they did such a great job so I just decided to share the whole entry here. If you aren't familiar with this movie you can find the trailer for it as well as learn more about the movie HERE. Really read over this entry and put it into practice with your spouse starting today. You won't regret it!
Love Seeks to Understand
How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. – Proverbs 3:13
We enjoy discovering as much as we can about the things we truly care about. If it’s our favorite football team, we’ll read any article that helps us keep up with how they’re doing. If it’s cooking, we’ll tune to those channels that share the best grilling techniques or dessert recipes. If there’s a subject that appeals to us, we’ll take notice any time it comes up. In fact, it’s often like an area of personal study.
It’s fine, of course, to have outside interests and to be knowledgeable about certain things. But this is where love would ask the question, “How much do you know about our mate?
Think back to the days when you were courting. Didn’t you study the one your heart was yearning for?
When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. The mystery and challenge of knowing her seems less intriguing, and he finds his interests drifting to other areas.
This is also true in many cases for women, who start off admiring and building respect for the man they desire to be with. But after marriage, those feelings begin to fade as reality reveals that her “prince” is a flawed and imperfect man.
Yet there are still hidden things to discover about your spouse. And this understanding will help draw you closer together. It can even give you favor in the eyes of your mate. “Good understanding produces favor” (Proverbs 13:15).
Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a “college degree,” a “master’s degree,” and ultimately a “doctorate degree.” Think of it as a lifelong journey that draws your heart ever closer to your mate.
· Do you know his or her greatest hopes and dreams?
· Do you fully understand how they prefer to give and receive love?
· Do you know what your spouse’s greatest fears are and why they struggle with them?
Some of the problems you have in relating to your spouse are simply because you don’t understand them. They probably react very differently to certain situations than you do, and you can’t figure out why?
These differences – even the ones that are relatively insignificant – can be the cause of many fights and conflicts in your marriage. That’s because, as the Bible says, we tend to “revile” those things we don’t understand (Jude 10).
There are reasons for his or her tastes and preferences. Each nuance in your spouse’s character has a back story. Each element of who he is, how he thinks, and what he’s like is couched in a set of guiding principles, which often makes sense only to the person who holds them. But it’s worth the time it will take to study why they are the way they are.
If you missed the level of intimacy you once shared with your spouse, one of the best ways to unlock their heart again is by making a commitment to know them. Study them. Read them like a book you’re trying to understand.
Ask questions. The Bible says, “The ear of the wise seeks knowledge” (Proverbs 18:15). Love takes the initiative to begin conversations. In order to get your mate to open up, they need to know that your desire for understanding them is real and genuine.
Listen. “Wise men store up knowledge, but with the mouth of the foolish, ruin is at hand” (Proverbs 10:14). The goal of understanding your mate is to hear them, not to tell them what you think. Even if your spouse is not very talkative, love calls you to draw out the “deep water” that dwells within them (Proverbs 20:5).
Ask God for discernment. “The Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:6). Things like gender differences, family backgrounds, and varied life experiences can cloud your ability to know your mate’s heart and motivations. But God is a giver of wisdom. The Lord will show you what you need in order to know how to love your spouse better.
“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3-4). There is a depth of beauty and meaning inside your wife or husband that will amaze you as you discover more of it. Enter the mystery with expectation and enthusiasm. Desire to know this person even better than you do now. Make him or her your chosen field of study, and you will fill your home with the kind of riches only love can provide.
Today’s Dare
Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.
Acquire wisdom; and with all your acquiring, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)
Love Seeks to Understand
How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. – Proverbs 3:13
We enjoy discovering as much as we can about the things we truly care about. If it’s our favorite football team, we’ll read any article that helps us keep up with how they’re doing. If it’s cooking, we’ll tune to those channels that share the best grilling techniques or dessert recipes. If there’s a subject that appeals to us, we’ll take notice any time it comes up. In fact, it’s often like an area of personal study.
It’s fine, of course, to have outside interests and to be knowledgeable about certain things. But this is where love would ask the question, “How much do you know about our mate?
Think back to the days when you were courting. Didn’t you study the one your heart was yearning for?
When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. The mystery and challenge of knowing her seems less intriguing, and he finds his interests drifting to other areas.
This is also true in many cases for women, who start off admiring and building respect for the man they desire to be with. But after marriage, those feelings begin to fade as reality reveals that her “prince” is a flawed and imperfect man.
Yet there are still hidden things to discover about your spouse. And this understanding will help draw you closer together. It can even give you favor in the eyes of your mate. “Good understanding produces favor” (Proverbs 13:15).
Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a “college degree,” a “master’s degree,” and ultimately a “doctorate degree.” Think of it as a lifelong journey that draws your heart ever closer to your mate.
· Do you know his or her greatest hopes and dreams?
· Do you fully understand how they prefer to give and receive love?
· Do you know what your spouse’s greatest fears are and why they struggle with them?
Some of the problems you have in relating to your spouse are simply because you don’t understand them. They probably react very differently to certain situations than you do, and you can’t figure out why?
These differences – even the ones that are relatively insignificant – can be the cause of many fights and conflicts in your marriage. That’s because, as the Bible says, we tend to “revile” those things we don’t understand (Jude 10).
There are reasons for his or her tastes and preferences. Each nuance in your spouse’s character has a back story. Each element of who he is, how he thinks, and what he’s like is couched in a set of guiding principles, which often makes sense only to the person who holds them. But it’s worth the time it will take to study why they are the way they are.
If you missed the level of intimacy you once shared with your spouse, one of the best ways to unlock their heart again is by making a commitment to know them. Study them. Read them like a book you’re trying to understand.
Ask questions. The Bible says, “The ear of the wise seeks knowledge” (Proverbs 18:15). Love takes the initiative to begin conversations. In order to get your mate to open up, they need to know that your desire for understanding them is real and genuine.
Listen. “Wise men store up knowledge, but with the mouth of the foolish, ruin is at hand” (Proverbs 10:14). The goal of understanding your mate is to hear them, not to tell them what you think. Even if your spouse is not very talkative, love calls you to draw out the “deep water” that dwells within them (Proverbs 20:5).
Ask God for discernment. “The Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:6). Things like gender differences, family backgrounds, and varied life experiences can cloud your ability to know your mate’s heart and motivations. But God is a giver of wisdom. The Lord will show you what you need in order to know how to love your spouse better.
“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3-4). There is a depth of beauty and meaning inside your wife or husband that will amaze you as you discover more of it. Enter the mystery with expectation and enthusiasm. Desire to know this person even better than you do now. Make him or her your chosen field of study, and you will fill your home with the kind of riches only love can provide.
Today’s Dare
Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.
Acquire wisdom; and with all your acquiring, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)
Friday, September 23, 2011
C.S. Lewis on Marriage PT 2
Here is the continuation of C.S. Lewis' chapter on marriage from "Mere Christianity" titled " Christian Marriage".
People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ for ever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change — not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.
This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go — let it die away — go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow — and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. it is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy.
Another notion we get from novels and plays is that ‘falling in love’ is something quite irresistible; something that just happens to one, like measles. And because they believe this, some married people throw up the sponge and give in when they find themselves attracted by a new acquaintance. But I am inclined to think that these irresistible passions are much rarer in real life than in books, at any rate when one is grown up. When we meet someone beautiful and clever and sympathetic, of course we ought, in one sense, to admire and love these good qualities. But is it not very largely in our own choice whether this love shall, or shall not, turn into what we call ‘being in love’? No doubt, if our minds are full of novels and plays and sentimental songs, and our bodies full of alcohol, we shall turn any love we feel into that kind of love: just as if you have a rut in your path all the rainwater will run into that rut, and if you wear blue spectacles everything you see will turn blue. But that will be our own I fault.
Before leaving the question of divorce, I should like to distinguish two things which are very often confused. The Christian conception of marriage is one: the other is the quite different question — how far Christians, if they are voters or Members of Parliament, ought to try to force their views of marriage on the rest of the community by embodying them in the divorce laws. A great many people seem to think that if you are a Christian yourself you should try to make divorce difficult for every one. I do not think that. At least I know I should be very angry if the Mahommedans tried to prevent the rest of us from drinking wine. My own view is that the Churches should frankly recognise that the majority of the British people are not Christians and, therefore, cannot be expected to live Christian lives. There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the State with rules enforced on all citizens, the other governed by the Church with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be quite sharp, so that a man knows which couples are married in a Christian sense and which are not.
So much for the Christian doctrine about the permanence of marriage. Something else, even more unpopular, remains to be dealt with. Christian wives promise to obey their husbands. In Christian marriage the man is said to be the ‘head’. Two questions obviously arise here. (1) Why should there be a head at all — why not equality? (2) Why should it be the man?
(1) The need for some head follows from the idea that marriage is permanent. Of course, as long as the husband and wife are agreed, no question of a head need arise; and we may hope that this will be the normal state of affairs in a Christian marriage. But when there is a real disagreement, what is to happen? Talk it over, of course; but I am assuming they have done that and still failed to reach agreement. What do they do next? They cannot decide by a majority vote, for in a council of two there can be no majority. Surely, only one or other of two things can happen: either they must separate and go their own ways or else one or other of them must have a casting vote. If marriage is permanent, one or other party must, in the last resort, have the power of deciding the family policy. You cannot have a permanent association without a constitution.
(2) If there must be a head, why the man? Well, firstly, is there any very serious wish that it should be the woman? As I have said, I am not married myself, but as far as I can see, even a woman who wants to be the head of her own house does not usually admire the same state of things when she finds it going on next door. She is much more likely to say ‘Poor Mr X! Why he allows that appalling woman to boss him about the way she does is more than I can imagine.’ I do not think she is even very flattered if anyone mentions the fact of her own ‘headship’. There must be something unnatural about the rule of wives over husbands, because the wives themselves are half ashamed of it and despise the husbands whom they rule. But there is also another reason; and here I speak quite frankly as a bachelor, because it is a reason you can see from outside even better than from inside. The relations of the family to the outer world — what might be called its foreign policy — must depend, in the last resort, upon the man, because he always ought to be, and usually is, much more just to the outsiders. A woman is primarily fighting for her own children and husband against the rest of the world. Naturally, almost, in a sense, rightly, their claims override, for her, all other claims. She is the special trustee of their interests. The function of the husband is to see that this natural preference of hers is not given its head. He has the last word in order to protect other people from the intense family patriotism of the wife. If anyone doubts this, let me ask a simple question. If your dog has bitten the child next door, or if your child has hurt the dog next door, which would you sooner have to deal with, the master of that house or the mistress? Or, if you are a married woman, let me ask you this question. Much as you admire your husband, would you not say that his chief failing is his tendency not to stick up for his rights and yours against the neighbours as vigorously as you would like? A bit of an Appeaser?
People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ for ever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change — not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.
This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go — let it die away — go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow — and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. it is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy.
Another notion we get from novels and plays is that ‘falling in love’ is something quite irresistible; something that just happens to one, like measles. And because they believe this, some married people throw up the sponge and give in when they find themselves attracted by a new acquaintance. But I am inclined to think that these irresistible passions are much rarer in real life than in books, at any rate when one is grown up. When we meet someone beautiful and clever and sympathetic, of course we ought, in one sense, to admire and love these good qualities. But is it not very largely in our own choice whether this love shall, or shall not, turn into what we call ‘being in love’? No doubt, if our minds are full of novels and plays and sentimental songs, and our bodies full of alcohol, we shall turn any love we feel into that kind of love: just as if you have a rut in your path all the rainwater will run into that rut, and if you wear blue spectacles everything you see will turn blue. But that will be our own I fault.
Before leaving the question of divorce, I should like to distinguish two things which are very often confused. The Christian conception of marriage is one: the other is the quite different question — how far Christians, if they are voters or Members of Parliament, ought to try to force their views of marriage on the rest of the community by embodying them in the divorce laws. A great many people seem to think that if you are a Christian yourself you should try to make divorce difficult for every one. I do not think that. At least I know I should be very angry if the Mahommedans tried to prevent the rest of us from drinking wine. My own view is that the Churches should frankly recognise that the majority of the British people are not Christians and, therefore, cannot be expected to live Christian lives. There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the State with rules enforced on all citizens, the other governed by the Church with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be quite sharp, so that a man knows which couples are married in a Christian sense and which are not.
So much for the Christian doctrine about the permanence of marriage. Something else, even more unpopular, remains to be dealt with. Christian wives promise to obey their husbands. In Christian marriage the man is said to be the ‘head’. Two questions obviously arise here. (1) Why should there be a head at all — why not equality? (2) Why should it be the man?
(1) The need for some head follows from the idea that marriage is permanent. Of course, as long as the husband and wife are agreed, no question of a head need arise; and we may hope that this will be the normal state of affairs in a Christian marriage. But when there is a real disagreement, what is to happen? Talk it over, of course; but I am assuming they have done that and still failed to reach agreement. What do they do next? They cannot decide by a majority vote, for in a council of two there can be no majority. Surely, only one or other of two things can happen: either they must separate and go their own ways or else one or other of them must have a casting vote. If marriage is permanent, one or other party must, in the last resort, have the power of deciding the family policy. You cannot have a permanent association without a constitution.
(2) If there must be a head, why the man? Well, firstly, is there any very serious wish that it should be the woman? As I have said, I am not married myself, but as far as I can see, even a woman who wants to be the head of her own house does not usually admire the same state of things when she finds it going on next door. She is much more likely to say ‘Poor Mr X! Why he allows that appalling woman to boss him about the way she does is more than I can imagine.’ I do not think she is even very flattered if anyone mentions the fact of her own ‘headship’. There must be something unnatural about the rule of wives over husbands, because the wives themselves are half ashamed of it and despise the husbands whom they rule. But there is also another reason; and here I speak quite frankly as a bachelor, because it is a reason you can see from outside even better than from inside. The relations of the family to the outer world — what might be called its foreign policy — must depend, in the last resort, upon the man, because he always ought to be, and usually is, much more just to the outsiders. A woman is primarily fighting for her own children and husband against the rest of the world. Naturally, almost, in a sense, rightly, their claims override, for her, all other claims. She is the special trustee of their interests. The function of the husband is to see that this natural preference of hers is not given its head. He has the last word in order to protect other people from the intense family patriotism of the wife. If anyone doubts this, let me ask a simple question. If your dog has bitten the child next door, or if your child has hurt the dog next door, which would you sooner have to deal with, the master of that house or the mistress? Or, if you are a married woman, let me ask you this question. Much as you admire your husband, would you not say that his chief failing is his tendency not to stick up for his rights and yours against the neighbours as vigorously as you would like? A bit of an Appeaser?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
C.S. Lewis on Marriage
My husband's favorite author is the great C.S.Lewis. In regards to pretty much any subject he was a master and his writings and teaching just can't be touched. So for a little change of pace, and to give you all a small break from my ramblings, I have decided to post and entire chapter that C.S. Lewis wrote on marriage in his book "Mere Christianity" which is a book I highly recommend to anyone and everyone. It's a bit of a long chapter so i'm going to break it up over the next two days, which means that there will be no Fun Friday post this week. I hope you enjoy it and please feel free to leave any comments, thoughts or questions you may have about anything from this chapter. I will be sure to pass them all on to my husband since he is the C.S. Lewis expert in out family! I hope you enjoy...
Christian Marriage
The last chapter was mainly negative. I discussed what was wrong with the sexual impulse in man, but said very little about its right working — in other words, about Christian marriage. There are two reasons why I do not particularly want to deal with marriage. The first is that the Christian doctrines on this subject are extremely unpopular. The second is that I have never been married myself, and, therefore, can speak only at second hand. But in spite of that, I feel I can hardly leave the subject out in an account of Christian morals.
The Christian idea of marriage is based on Christ’s words that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism — for that is what the words ‘one flesh’ would be in modern English. And the Christians believe that when He said this He was not expressing a sentiment but stating a fact — just as one is stating a fact when one says that a lock and its key are one mechanism, or that a violin and a bow are one musical instrument. The inventor of the human machine was telling us that its two halves, the male and the female, were made to be combined together in pairs, not simply on the sexual level, but totally combined. The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong I about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again.
As a consequence, Christianity teaches that marriage is for life. There is, of course, a difference here between different Churches: some do not admit divorce at all; some allow it reluctantly in very special cases. It is a great pity that Christians should disagree about such a question; but for an ordinary layman the thing to notice is that the Churches all agree with one another about marriage a great deal more than any of them agrees with the outside world. I mean, they all regard divorce as something like cutting up a living body, as a kind of surgical operation. Some of them think the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases. They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment. What they all disagree with is the modern view that it is a simple readjustment of partners, to be made whenever people feel they are no longer in love with one another, or when either of them falls in love with someone else.
Before we consider this modern view in its relation to chastity, we must not forget to consider it in relation to another virtue, namely justice. Justice, as I said before, includes the keeping of promises. Now everyone who has been married in a church has made a public, solemn promise to stick to his (or her) partner till death. The duty of keeping that promise has no special connection with sexual morality: it is in the same position as any other promise. If, as modern people are always telling us, the sexual impulse is just like all our other impulses, then it ought to be. treated like all our other impulses; and as their indulgence is controlled by our promises, so should its be. If, as I think, it is not like all our other impulses, but is morbidly inflamed, then we should be specially careful not to let it lead us into dishonesty.
To this someone may reply that he regarded the promise made in church as a mere formality and never intended to keep it. Whom, then, was he trying to deceive when he made it? God? That was really very unwise. Himself? That was not very much wiser. The bride, or bridegroom. or the ‘in-laws’? That was treacherous. Most often, I think, the couple (or one of them) hoped to deceive the public. They wanted the respectability that is attached to marriage without intending to pay the price: that is, they were impostors, they cheated. If they are still contented cheats, I have nothing to say to them: who would urge the high and hard duty of chastity on people who have not yet wished to be mere honest? If they have now come to their senses and want to be honest, their promise, already made, constrains them. And this, you will see, comes under the heading of justice, not that of chastity. If people do not believe in permanent marriage, it is perhaps better that they should live together unmarried than that they should make vows they do not mean to keep. It is true that by living together without marriage they will be guilty (in Christian eyes) of fornication. But one fault is not mended by adding another: unchastity is not improved by adding perjury.
The idea that ‘being in love’ is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. The curious thing is that lovers themselves, while they remain really in love, know this better than those who talk about love. As Chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. Love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. The Christian law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion’s own nature: it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do.
And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry. But what, it may be asked, is the use of keeping two people together if they are no longer in love? There are several sound, social reasons; to provide a home for their children, to protect the woman (who has probably sacrificed or damaged her own career by getting married) from being dropped whenever the man is tired of her. But there is also another reason of which I am very sure, though I find it a little hard to explain.
It is hard because so many people cannot be brought to realise than when B is better than C, A may be even better than B. They like thinking in terms of good and bad, not of good, better, and best, or bad, worse and worst. They want to know whether you think patriotism a good thing: if you reply that it is, of course, far better than individual selfishness, but that it is inferior to universal charity and should always give way to universal charity when the two conflict, they think you are being evasive. They ask what you think of duelling. If you reply that it is far better to forgive a man than to fight a duel with him, but that even a duel might be better than a lifelong enmity which expresses itself in secret efforts to ‘do the man down,’ they go away complaining that you would not give them a straight answer. I hope no one will make this mistake about what I am now going to say.
What we call ‘being in love’ is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous. it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, ‘the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs’. Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.
If you disagree with me, of course, you will say, ‘He knows nothing about it, he is not married.’ You may quite possibly be right. But before you say that, make quite sure that you are judging me by what you really know from your own experience and from watching the lives of your friends, and not by ideas you have derived from novels and films. This is not so easy to do as people think. Our experience is coloured through and through by books and plays and the cinema, and it takes patience and skill to disentangle the things we have really learned from life for ourselves.
Christian Marriage
The last chapter was mainly negative. I discussed what was wrong with the sexual impulse in man, but said very little about its right working — in other words, about Christian marriage. There are two reasons why I do not particularly want to deal with marriage. The first is that the Christian doctrines on this subject are extremely unpopular. The second is that I have never been married myself, and, therefore, can speak only at second hand. But in spite of that, I feel I can hardly leave the subject out in an account of Christian morals.
The Christian idea of marriage is based on Christ’s words that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism — for that is what the words ‘one flesh’ would be in modern English. And the Christians believe that when He said this He was not expressing a sentiment but stating a fact — just as one is stating a fact when one says that a lock and its key are one mechanism, or that a violin and a bow are one musical instrument. The inventor of the human machine was telling us that its two halves, the male and the female, were made to be combined together in pairs, not simply on the sexual level, but totally combined. The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong I about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again.
As a consequence, Christianity teaches that marriage is for life. There is, of course, a difference here between different Churches: some do not admit divorce at all; some allow it reluctantly in very special cases. It is a great pity that Christians should disagree about such a question; but for an ordinary layman the thing to notice is that the Churches all agree with one another about marriage a great deal more than any of them agrees with the outside world. I mean, they all regard divorce as something like cutting up a living body, as a kind of surgical operation. Some of them think the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases. They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment. What they all disagree with is the modern view that it is a simple readjustment of partners, to be made whenever people feel they are no longer in love with one another, or when either of them falls in love with someone else.
Before we consider this modern view in its relation to chastity, we must not forget to consider it in relation to another virtue, namely justice. Justice, as I said before, includes the keeping of promises. Now everyone who has been married in a church has made a public, solemn promise to stick to his (or her) partner till death. The duty of keeping that promise has no special connection with sexual morality: it is in the same position as any other promise. If, as modern people are always telling us, the sexual impulse is just like all our other impulses, then it ought to be. treated like all our other impulses; and as their indulgence is controlled by our promises, so should its be. If, as I think, it is not like all our other impulses, but is morbidly inflamed, then we should be specially careful not to let it lead us into dishonesty.
To this someone may reply that he regarded the promise made in church as a mere formality and never intended to keep it. Whom, then, was he trying to deceive when he made it? God? That was really very unwise. Himself? That was not very much wiser. The bride, or bridegroom. or the ‘in-laws’? That was treacherous. Most often, I think, the couple (or one of them) hoped to deceive the public. They wanted the respectability that is attached to marriage without intending to pay the price: that is, they were impostors, they cheated. If they are still contented cheats, I have nothing to say to them: who would urge the high and hard duty of chastity on people who have not yet wished to be mere honest? If they have now come to their senses and want to be honest, their promise, already made, constrains them. And this, you will see, comes under the heading of justice, not that of chastity. If people do not believe in permanent marriage, it is perhaps better that they should live together unmarried than that they should make vows they do not mean to keep. It is true that by living together without marriage they will be guilty (in Christian eyes) of fornication. But one fault is not mended by adding another: unchastity is not improved by adding perjury.
The idea that ‘being in love’ is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. The curious thing is that lovers themselves, while they remain really in love, know this better than those who talk about love. As Chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. Love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. The Christian law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion’s own nature: it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do.
And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry. But what, it may be asked, is the use of keeping two people together if they are no longer in love? There are several sound, social reasons; to provide a home for their children, to protect the woman (who has probably sacrificed or damaged her own career by getting married) from being dropped whenever the man is tired of her. But there is also another reason of which I am very sure, though I find it a little hard to explain.
It is hard because so many people cannot be brought to realise than when B is better than C, A may be even better than B. They like thinking in terms of good and bad, not of good, better, and best, or bad, worse and worst. They want to know whether you think patriotism a good thing: if you reply that it is, of course, far better than individual selfishness, but that it is inferior to universal charity and should always give way to universal charity when the two conflict, they think you are being evasive. They ask what you think of duelling. If you reply that it is far better to forgive a man than to fight a duel with him, but that even a duel might be better than a lifelong enmity which expresses itself in secret efforts to ‘do the man down,’ they go away complaining that you would not give them a straight answer. I hope no one will make this mistake about what I am now going to say.
What we call ‘being in love’ is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous. it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, ‘the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs’. Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.
If you disagree with me, of course, you will say, ‘He knows nothing about it, he is not married.’ You may quite possibly be right. But before you say that, make quite sure that you are judging me by what you really know from your own experience and from watching the lives of your friends, and not by ideas you have derived from novels and films. This is not so easy to do as people think. Our experience is coloured through and through by books and plays and the cinema, and it takes patience and skill to disentangle the things we have really learned from life for ourselves.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Guest Post: H.O.H.
Today's post is a guest post by my husband Colby. I wrote last week about submission and the role that plays for women so I asked my husband to post about men's role as the head of household. I think he did such a wonderful job and I encourage you to share this with your husbands and other men in your family. So once again, please welcome Colby.
This week marks the end of another season of the reality show Big Brother. In case you are not familiar with this show, let me give you a brief synopsis: It is basically a 3 month power struggle between a handful of people or "house guests" locked in a house, away from the real world, for a half million dollar final prize. Each week, they compete to become "Head of Household" or "H.O.H.". The H.O.H. then chooses 2 people to nominate for eviction, they have another competition to win the golden "Power of Veto" or "POV" which gives them the power to un-nominate themselves (if they have been nominated) or someone else. Then the house guests vote on who should leave, that person leaves, and the process starts over again. The thing I find interesting is this: In this game, every body wants to be the head of household, and everything it entails. However in the real world, nobody wants to accept the responsibilities of that position, and those who desire it only do so for the inherent power that comes with the position. The truth is the term head of household has gotten so twisted, we no longer even know what it really means. Let's see if we can figure this out.
Paul says in Ephesians 5:23 "For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.". This tells us we should lead our house in the same way that Jesus leads the church. Well, how did Jesus lead? We will examine that in a moment, but for know I would like to pose a more general question: How can anyone lead? Lead is defined like this "to go before or with to show the way". If we have people under our watch, or following us, they will only know where to go by watching us, and following in our steps. Like I tell my son, "I do not try to be a good father just so you can survive to adulthood, I try to be a good father so that you will grow up to be a good father."
So how did Jesus lead? He lead by example (Matthew 6:9-13, John 13:1-17). The disciples learned how to live Christ like by watching Christ live. So it is with our families. There is no better way to raise a child of God than to let them see you being a man of God.
So what exactly is our responsibility to our wife and kids? I'm glad you asked. Allow me a moment of catharsis before we move on. You need to understand exactly what God expects of you if you have a wife and child. There are far to many children growing up without involved fathers for this issue to go un-addressed. If you do not want to accept the responsibilities that come with having children, don't have sex. It's as easy as that. If you think you can be sexually active, get a girl pregnant, and simply walk away with no strings attached, you are a like a little boy on the level with the child who finds and wields his father's handgun as a "fun toy". If this is you, you are free to go. I have nothing else to say to you, although I would love to give you a hard punch in the gut. Fortunately reality will do that for me. Now, turning to the men who are left. We are charged with 3 primary positions:
1. Protector
This one is very basic, but it is often misinterpreted. As we have discussed previously, this is not limited only to physical protection. I would bet most everyone reading this has locks on their doors, and a weapon of some sort in your house. You may even have a security system with motion sensors, camera's, and all the bells and whistles. These are all good things, but not one of them can deflect an attack of the devil. As men we know that if someone breaks into our house, it is us who must take the assailant on, and even give our life fighting to keep our family safe. Should our houses not be equally fortified against spiritual attacks? The bible tells us our enemy is like "a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." Notice he may not devour just anyone. Only those who placed themselves within his reach. I encourage you to make your home a spiritual safe house, as well as keeping it safe from physical enemies.
2. Provider
This one is easy to describe, but can be difficult to execute. As husbands and fathers it is our job to work. You can't be afraid to work hard, or your family will pay the price. 1 Timothy 5:8 says "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." That seems inescapably clear to me. You must do what it takes to provide a life for your family. Period.
3.Priest
Most men would agree about the first 2 points, but I'm afraid this is where most men drop the ball. If I asked you who should be the primary spiritual influence on your family, most of you would probably say your pastor or perhaps children's pastor. Absolutely not. It's you. You must make sure you have chosen a church that is teaching biblical truths. You must make sure your family attends, even when the pastor is on vacation. You must make sure you are learning so that you may turn and impart that wisdom into your family. Can they learn from the pastor and children's pastor? Of course, and they should. But if you take them to a church were the are teaching false doctrines, you are accountable to God for that.
As you can see, being the head of your household is not a power trip. Now, don't misunderstand me, in training our children we must sometimes tell them what to do. However, it is not a license to simply bark orders at them and then sit back and do nothing to help, but a responsibility to love and lead by example. It is the high calling to the ultimate life of humility and sacrifice. And what a blessed life it is! I urge you to take your job as husband and father seriously. It is the most important title you will ever hold.
-Colby
This week marks the end of another season of the reality show Big Brother. In case you are not familiar with this show, let me give you a brief synopsis: It is basically a 3 month power struggle between a handful of people or "house guests" locked in a house, away from the real world, for a half million dollar final prize. Each week, they compete to become "Head of Household" or "H.O.H.". The H.O.H. then chooses 2 people to nominate for eviction, they have another competition to win the golden "Power of Veto" or "POV" which gives them the power to un-nominate themselves (if they have been nominated) or someone else. Then the house guests vote on who should leave, that person leaves, and the process starts over again. The thing I find interesting is this: In this game, every body wants to be the head of household, and everything it entails. However in the real world, nobody wants to accept the responsibilities of that position, and those who desire it only do so for the inherent power that comes with the position. The truth is the term head of household has gotten so twisted, we no longer even know what it really means. Let's see if we can figure this out.
Paul says in Ephesians 5:23 "For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.". This tells us we should lead our house in the same way that Jesus leads the church. Well, how did Jesus lead? We will examine that in a moment, but for know I would like to pose a more general question: How can anyone lead? Lead is defined like this "to go before or with to show the way". If we have people under our watch, or following us, they will only know where to go by watching us, and following in our steps. Like I tell my son, "I do not try to be a good father just so you can survive to adulthood, I try to be a good father so that you will grow up to be a good father."
So how did Jesus lead? He lead by example (Matthew 6:9-13, John 13:1-17). The disciples learned how to live Christ like by watching Christ live. So it is with our families. There is no better way to raise a child of God than to let them see you being a man of God.
So what exactly is our responsibility to our wife and kids? I'm glad you asked. Allow me a moment of catharsis before we move on. You need to understand exactly what God expects of you if you have a wife and child. There are far to many children growing up without involved fathers for this issue to go un-addressed. If you do not want to accept the responsibilities that come with having children, don't have sex. It's as easy as that. If you think you can be sexually active, get a girl pregnant, and simply walk away with no strings attached, you are a like a little boy on the level with the child who finds and wields his father's handgun as a "fun toy". If this is you, you are free to go. I have nothing else to say to you, although I would love to give you a hard punch in the gut. Fortunately reality will do that for me. Now, turning to the men who are left. We are charged with 3 primary positions:
1. Protector
This one is very basic, but it is often misinterpreted. As we have discussed previously, this is not limited only to physical protection. I would bet most everyone reading this has locks on their doors, and a weapon of some sort in your house. You may even have a security system with motion sensors, camera's, and all the bells and whistles. These are all good things, but not one of them can deflect an attack of the devil. As men we know that if someone breaks into our house, it is us who must take the assailant on, and even give our life fighting to keep our family safe. Should our houses not be equally fortified against spiritual attacks? The bible tells us our enemy is like "a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." Notice he may not devour just anyone. Only those who placed themselves within his reach. I encourage you to make your home a spiritual safe house, as well as keeping it safe from physical enemies.
2. Provider
This one is easy to describe, but can be difficult to execute. As husbands and fathers it is our job to work. You can't be afraid to work hard, or your family will pay the price. 1 Timothy 5:8 says "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." That seems inescapably clear to me. You must do what it takes to provide a life for your family. Period.
3.Priest
Most men would agree about the first 2 points, but I'm afraid this is where most men drop the ball. If I asked you who should be the primary spiritual influence on your family, most of you would probably say your pastor or perhaps children's pastor. Absolutely not. It's you. You must make sure you have chosen a church that is teaching biblical truths. You must make sure your family attends, even when the pastor is on vacation. You must make sure you are learning so that you may turn and impart that wisdom into your family. Can they learn from the pastor and children's pastor? Of course, and they should. But if you take them to a church were the are teaching false doctrines, you are accountable to God for that.
As you can see, being the head of your household is not a power trip. Now, don't misunderstand me, in training our children we must sometimes tell them what to do. However, it is not a license to simply bark orders at them and then sit back and do nothing to help, but a responsibility to love and lead by example. It is the high calling to the ultimate life of humility and sacrifice. And what a blessed life it is! I urge you to take your job as husband and father seriously. It is the most important title you will ever hold.
-Colby
Saturday, August 6, 2011
My First Guest Post: Welcome Colby!
I don't usually post on Saturdays but today I had to make an exception. My husband has started a blog called The Red Letter Man and he is a fantastic writer. He is starting by posting about situations in his life that have shaped him and his post today was so wonderful that I just had to share it with all of my wonderful readers. So please enjoy and welcome my husband, Colby.
The day my daughter (almost) died.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Standing in the triage room at BSA hospital on a Sunday night as the doctor explained that my 6 month old daughter needed to be admitted. She had a urinary tract infection that had spread throughout her entire body. She was also severely dehydrated. The next five days were to be some of the hardest in my life. You never know how much you care about someone until you are looking at loosing them. As they lead us into the room that she would be staying in, the uncertainty was almost to much to take. I will never forget seeing the steel cage that they called a crib for the first time. I felt like I was living out a scene from the movie "Saw". I remember being speechless when they asked if we wanted her to be an organ donor if she didn't make it. But the thing I remember above anything else is the way God reached down in our greatest moment of despair and literally saved her life.
It was late Monday night when the nightmare reached its worst point. Her temperature had been over 104 degrees several times over the course of the last few days. We had given her cool baths and Tylenol and had managed to tame it each time. But now the problem was reversed. My wife held her close to her body and she was wrapped in several warm blankets fresh out of the dryer. But despite this her temperature was at 95 degrees and dropping. The reality started sinking in that I was very possibly watching her die. After taking her temperature and seeing this number, the nurse told us that they were going to start preparing the ICU. As she walked out of the room, our current children's pastor walked in. We had called him a few minutes before to see if he could pray for us over the phone, but instead (even though it was 11pm and he was on his way home when we called) he insisted on coming to the hospital. He started talking about how mad he was at the devil for messing with God's people. This statement blew my mind. Growing up in church you always hear that when bad things happen, God must have a reason for doing it to you. I never considered that maybe, just maybe, God isn't the one doing the bad things to you at all! As we listened with a lump in our throats he claimed a promise over her that neither of us would dare to hope for. As he told us "She will live and not die" (Psalms 118:17) I began to sob. Then he prayed a prayer for her full of confidence and scriptural promises about healing. He prayed for strength for me and my wife, and he ended with Jeremiah 29:11. As he turned to leave, the nurse returned to check her temperature one more time before they moved her to the ICU. We could barely believe it when we saw the reading on the thermometer: 99.2.
For the next 4 days it was an uphill battle, until we finally left the hospital that Friday afternoon. But I believe the hold of the enemy on her that almost claimed her life was beaten that night. She will turn 5 this November. She is healthy, happy, and the light of my life. Every time I look at her I'm reminded that, no matter how dark things look, there is no darkness that cannot be expelled by the power of God.
I learned a lot of things from this experience, but I would briefly like to share just two of them.
1. The bible says "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge" (Hosea 4:6). As men, especially fathers, one of our primary responsibilities is to protect our family. We all know if a physical enemy were to assail our wife or children, it would be our job to protect them at all costs, even your own life. However this is not the only danger. There are spiritual forces mounted against your family that are subtler, put infinitely more potent. Like many other Christians, I thought that, simply put, God was going to kill her and I just had to deal with that. The bible says very plainly that this is not how God operates. Sickness and death are from the devil, but God gives us healing and life (John 10:10, Acts 10:38). But I had all but given up. In my lack of knowledge I stood by and did nothing as I watched her life slip away. After this experience I purposed to gain all the knowledge I could for the protection of my family. Never again would Satan be allowed to have the upper hand over my family. Since then I have done extensive study into spiritual warfare, healing, and our authority over demonic forces, and I would encourage all men (especially fathers) to do the same.
2. Life is precious. In that moment when I thought I was watching her die, I realized I didn't really know my daughter. I waited my entire adult life to have a daughter, and yet at six months old I had never really spent any quality time with her. I had sat around waiting for her to "develop a personality", and now I had lost my chance. Even more than that, I didn't know my 2 year old son any better. Now, almost 4 years later, I take every opportunity I can find to spend time with my kids. Even running down to the convenience store to grab a bag of ice, I rotate taking one of the three of them with me for some one on one time. Anything they become interested in, I take the time to learn about it. I tell them regularly how special they are to me. Sadly, it took my baby girl almost dying to realize I should have been doing these things all along.
People have often asked why we didn't take any pictures while she was in the hospital and we usually answer with something like, "Oh, we just didn't think about." However, the truth is that I did not then nor have I ever since wanted to recall the horror that filled the majority of those five days. And the good things that took place, the things that shaped me, I will never forget nor could any photo capture. I know without doubt that her life was not spared for no reason. She will grow to be an amazing woman of God and live out the words of Jeremiah 29:11 with style and grace. So here's to my amazing Lexi. The keeper of my heart, daughter of the king, and my continuous joy in a cynical world.
-Colby
The day my daughter (almost) died.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Standing in the triage room at BSA hospital on a Sunday night as the doctor explained that my 6 month old daughter needed to be admitted. She had a urinary tract infection that had spread throughout her entire body. She was also severely dehydrated. The next five days were to be some of the hardest in my life. You never know how much you care about someone until you are looking at loosing them. As they lead us into the room that she would be staying in, the uncertainty was almost to much to take. I will never forget seeing the steel cage that they called a crib for the first time. I felt like I was living out a scene from the movie "Saw". I remember being speechless when they asked if we wanted her to be an organ donor if she didn't make it. But the thing I remember above anything else is the way God reached down in our greatest moment of despair and literally saved her life.
It was late Monday night when the nightmare reached its worst point. Her temperature had been over 104 degrees several times over the course of the last few days. We had given her cool baths and Tylenol and had managed to tame it each time. But now the problem was reversed. My wife held her close to her body and she was wrapped in several warm blankets fresh out of the dryer. But despite this her temperature was at 95 degrees and dropping. The reality started sinking in that I was very possibly watching her die. After taking her temperature and seeing this number, the nurse told us that they were going to start preparing the ICU. As she walked out of the room, our current children's pastor walked in. We had called him a few minutes before to see if he could pray for us over the phone, but instead (even though it was 11pm and he was on his way home when we called) he insisted on coming to the hospital. He started talking about how mad he was at the devil for messing with God's people. This statement blew my mind. Growing up in church you always hear that when bad things happen, God must have a reason for doing it to you. I never considered that maybe, just maybe, God isn't the one doing the bad things to you at all! As we listened with a lump in our throats he claimed a promise over her that neither of us would dare to hope for. As he told us "She will live and not die" (Psalms 118:17) I began to sob. Then he prayed a prayer for her full of confidence and scriptural promises about healing. He prayed for strength for me and my wife, and he ended with Jeremiah 29:11. As he turned to leave, the nurse returned to check her temperature one more time before they moved her to the ICU. We could barely believe it when we saw the reading on the thermometer: 99.2.
For the next 4 days it was an uphill battle, until we finally left the hospital that Friday afternoon. But I believe the hold of the enemy on her that almost claimed her life was beaten that night. She will turn 5 this November. She is healthy, happy, and the light of my life. Every time I look at her I'm reminded that, no matter how dark things look, there is no darkness that cannot be expelled by the power of God.
I learned a lot of things from this experience, but I would briefly like to share just two of them.
1. The bible says "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge" (Hosea 4:6). As men, especially fathers, one of our primary responsibilities is to protect our family. We all know if a physical enemy were to assail our wife or children, it would be our job to protect them at all costs, even your own life. However this is not the only danger. There are spiritual forces mounted against your family that are subtler, put infinitely more potent. Like many other Christians, I thought that, simply put, God was going to kill her and I just had to deal with that. The bible says very plainly that this is not how God operates. Sickness and death are from the devil, but God gives us healing and life (John 10:10, Acts 10:38). But I had all but given up. In my lack of knowledge I stood by and did nothing as I watched her life slip away. After this experience I purposed to gain all the knowledge I could for the protection of my family. Never again would Satan be allowed to have the upper hand over my family. Since then I have done extensive study into spiritual warfare, healing, and our authority over demonic forces, and I would encourage all men (especially fathers) to do the same.
2. Life is precious. In that moment when I thought I was watching her die, I realized I didn't really know my daughter. I waited my entire adult life to have a daughter, and yet at six months old I had never really spent any quality time with her. I had sat around waiting for her to "develop a personality", and now I had lost my chance. Even more than that, I didn't know my 2 year old son any better. Now, almost 4 years later, I take every opportunity I can find to spend time with my kids. Even running down to the convenience store to grab a bag of ice, I rotate taking one of the three of them with me for some one on one time. Anything they become interested in, I take the time to learn about it. I tell them regularly how special they are to me. Sadly, it took my baby girl almost dying to realize I should have been doing these things all along.
People have often asked why we didn't take any pictures while she was in the hospital and we usually answer with something like, "Oh, we just didn't think about." However, the truth is that I did not then nor have I ever since wanted to recall the horror that filled the majority of those five days. And the good things that took place, the things that shaped me, I will never forget nor could any photo capture. I know without doubt that her life was not spared for no reason. She will grow to be an amazing woman of God and live out the words of Jeremiah 29:11 with style and grace. So here's to my amazing Lexi. The keeper of my heart, daughter of the king, and my continuous joy in a cynical world.
-Colby
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