Far Too Long

6 Weeks. Yesterday was the 6 week mark of my last post on here. I haven't gone that long without writing in almost a year! I have thought about all of you so many times during these weeks and ached to get back here, yet every time I sit down to write again something comes up. Either my house is a mess, my kids need something, exhaustion takes over, or a complete lack of knowing what to say sets in. Regardless of the reason, I have now seen 6 weeks go by without so much as a "Hello" to all of my wonderful readers!

But today is my birthday! So as my present to myself, I am forcing myself to ignore as much housework as possible and sit down for a cup of coffee with all of you. Somehow though, i'm at a loss. The same fear I used to feel every time I sat down to write has set in all over again and I feel as though i'm back in uncomfortable territory with all of you.

I have never been a very confidant person, never very bold in what I say to others when it comes to my thoughts and opinions on things. Until this blog. Writing on here about marriage over the last several months took me to a whole new place! It was a place where I could openly say exactly what I thought and believed and the worst that would happen was i'd get a harsh comment or possibly lose a follower every now and then. I began to get a little more confidence and sort of find my way a little bit. I started learning how to share what I really thought about things and yet do it with complete love for those that didn't agree with me.

Then, just as I began to get comfortable God started changing things up on me and pushing me further into uncomfortable territory and my husband and I started teaching a couples group at our church. And I just thought writing about things was difficult!! Talking face to face with people about things you believe in and things the bible teaches is a whole different ball game! You can see their faces when they disagree with you and for someone who really wants people to like them, that can be a hard thing to take.

But I am constantly reminding myself of a saying I heard some time ago that says, "God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called". I know that was the case when I started writing this blog and I believe that to be the case in the new faze of ministry that we have found ourselves in now.

But where does that leave this blog?!? As I said several weeks ago, I know i'm not done here. I love writing and talking openly and honestly with all of you about real things that are going on in life. But I don't think i'm going to just talk about marriage on here anymore. I know that talking about many different subjects is a huge "no-no" in the world of blogging but I think that limiting this place to only one topic simply cuts out a lot of important things! There are so many blogs out there on marriage, parenting, housekeeping, recipes, and the list goes on and on. I simply can't compete with them, so i'm not even going to try! I am just going to be me. I'm going to write how I write and talk about things that God puts on my heart. The topics may be all over the place and I may miss days here and there (although I will try to not go 6 weeks without writing ever again!) but that's just how i've decided to do things. :o)

If you have stuck with me all this time, even though i've gone so long without writing, I want to say a HUGE thank you to you! You readers are why I write. I love "talking" with each of you about all the many things we've talked about before and can't wait to start talking again. I've said before that I really want to talk about things that really interest you guys so if there is anything you would like to read about or hear discussed on here please let me know! You can comment on here, email me at joinmeforcoffeeblog(at)gmail(dot)com, or you comment on my Facebook page as well. Wonder what we'll talk about first...

I'm Back!!!

Goodness, it's hard to believe that it's been about two weeks since i've been on here! I have been very busy around here with Christmas, family gatherings and just enjoying my kiddos while they were out on Christmas break. We've had so much fun sleeping in, watching movies, playing together and finishing out our break with a tent/movie day. I've caught up on some much needed rest and been able to take some time to just slow down and relax which has been absolutely wonderful! However, today throws us back into reality and into the busyness that is our normal life. Not only that but a few things have been added to our "normal" that I wanted to share with all of you!

A little over a year ago I felt that God had something in mind for my blog, I had been writing on it for a couple of years just off and on, mostly about the daily nothings that happened in our house (which were really of no interest to anyone but me!). But I began to feel a stirring that He had something more in mind for my writing and for me. I just had no idea what it was. So I prayed about it for a few months and then began my "mini-series" on marriage in April of last year. I thought I would write for a couple of weeks and then move on. I had absolutely no idea that it would be something i'd write about 3 times a week for the next eight months, or that I would go from about 10 to 150 followers in that time!

Once I started writing in April, I began to have another thought stirring in my heart and began to pray about an area of ministry that I felt God was pulling my husband and I towards, and that was a ministry for newlyweds. I prayed for the next few months, talked with my husband and a close friend and finally decided to go to the leaders in our church with the idea. With all that being said....My husband and I will be starting our new group, Solid, next week at our church for couples married 5 years or less! Not only that, but a friend and I will begin leading a women's bible study on the book of James which starts in just a few weeks.

All that back story is just to say that, I am going to be cutting back my time here a bit. I am going to go from writing on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to just writing on Mondays. I absolutely LOVE writing on here and just can't give up on it but I know that if I try to continue with my three times a week not only will my time with my family suffer but my writing will suffer as well. There are some ladies that can home school multiple children, lead bible studies and write every day. I am simply not one of them.

So please bare with me as my writing cuts back and continue checking in here each week. Or if it would be easier for you, feel free to simply subscribe to my blog, that way each new post will be emailed directly to your inbox and you won't have to check in to see when i've written (if you do this, be sure to check your spam folder for your conformation email if it doesn't show up in your inbox instantly).

Oh and one other thing...would you all pray for my husband and I as we start this group? And for the group itself, that God would accomplish exactly what He wants in each of our evenings together? Thank you all so much. Love y'all to pieces!! :o)

Won't You Let Me Change?!

"A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love." ~ Pearl S. Buck

As I was looking through marriage quotes this morning I came across this one and it really made me think. I've talked before about the fact that so often when we get married we think we can change our spouse and the dangers of that kind of thinking. But what happens when they start to change on their own?

My husband and I got married when we were 18 and neither of us had any idea of what we were supposed to be doing. We didn't know how to be married and naively thought there wouldn't be much to it (don't laugh too hard!). What we very quickly ended up with was a huge mess! During this time we both began to expect certain behaviors from each other, these were the behaviors we had been showing so it was completely natural to expect them from one another. However, after some major events in our marriage we both began to change and work really hard to fix the mess of a marriage that we had. At that point I discovered just how hard it can be to allow a person to change!

I would make a mistake and expect my husband to react in an irrational angry way, but he wouldn't. I would get angry at him and pick a fight expecting him to fight back, but he wouldn't. I almost started looking for ways to test him to see if he was really different and for a while I was shocked every time he proved that he was. Then I went through a phase of punishing him for how he used to be. Even though he hadn't responded negativity like he would have in the past, I expected him to so i'd punish him, just in case!

Over time I realized that him changing was just as much my responsibility as it was his. You see, he had to make the choice to actually change but I also had to allow him to change and learn how to react to the differences in him instead of what I expected from him. I had to stop treating him like the person he used to be and get to know this new wonderful man that had taken over. Once I did that I saw our marriage begin to transform!

So here's a few suggestions I have for someone dealing with a situation like this.

1. Appreciate the effort.
In order for someone to change something about their nature or habits, it takes a conscious effort on their part. When you are used to reacting in anger and you try to to change that about yourself it is HARD! Most likely they will not change instantly so there will be mess-ups along the way. Be sure they know you're aware of their effort and that you appreciate the work they're putting into it.

2. Be patient with them.
As I said, these are not changes that will happen instantly. The bigger and more difficult the change, the longer it will take and the more patient you will have to be with them.

3. Leave the past in the past!
If you know that your spouse is working to improve in a certain area, do not use that particular area as a weapon against them. Forgive them if you need to and let.it.go! Neither of you will ever get anywhere if you are constantly bringing up past failures and throwing them in their face. I can tell you from experience that if you don't allow your spouse to grow and change they will stop wanting to grow and change and that's not a good place for either of you to be.

4. Encourage them.
Look for every opportunity you can find to lift them up and encourage them. It can be exhausting to work on changing things about yourself and it's very easy to feel like you're not doing any good at all. So find times to encourage them and tell them that they're doing a great job.

5. Pray for them.
Any change that a person makes in their personality or nature is done through the strength of Christ. It is not easy and it does take each person making a conscious choice and effort to do so, but the ability to change comes only from Him. With that being the case, take every opportunity to can to pray for your spouse in whatever area they are working on.


Change is often very difficult but it is a part of life. If you are married for more than a month you are going to see your spouse change, sometimes for the better and even sometimes for the worse. It is our job to support each other and lift each other up when those changes occur. It's so important that we remember to allow our spouses to make those changes!

8 Things to Maximize

Last Wednesday we talked about 7 things you need to minimize in your marriage, so today we're going to look at the opposite end of things and focus on things you need to maximize in your marriage.

1. Maximize Sharing
You need to share everything with your spouse. Your time, your energy, your stories, your sorrows...all of it needs to be shared. You got married to build a life together and that means you have to share that life with each other. If you don't already do this, learn to talk to each other about everything. Make a habit of talking about your day every evening, find out what happened at each other's work. Bring your sorrows and hurts to each other, and also bring your success' to each other. Make a habit of sharing everything and being open with your spouse.

2. Maximize Complementing
So many people are all about the negative, it seems like that's all that ever comes out of their mouth! Have you ever been around a person that says nothing but negative things? You want to get away from them as fast as you can right?! In your marriage, don't be that person! Find every possible opportunity to complement your spouse. Talk about the little things but also talk about the greatness in them. Don't ever be stingy with them, but learn to be free with your complements!

3. Maximize Encouragement
You need to be your spouse's biggest fan! In every area of their life you need to be there cheering them on. Sometimes that encouragement is what gets them through the day. Find little ways to build them up every chance you get.

4. Maximize Communication
When I first started talking about marriage I wrote about communication Here, Here, Here, Here and Here so go back and read these for a more in-depth discussion on this subject. But here's a couple quick points for now. Communication is so much more than just talking, it digs deep and gets down to the real you and what you really think, and how you really feel about things. It's important when you're trying to communicate with your spouse that you actually communicate, don't just spend all your time venting feelings. You also have to understand who you're talking to in order to maximize communication, understand that everyone communicates differently. Find out how your spouse communicates in order to communicate often and effectively.

5. Maximize forgiveness and mercy
This is a big one! Whatever you do in your marriage, do not hold a grudge against your spouse. Ephesians 4:26 says to not let the sun go down on your anger and that's a very important habit to form in your marriage. You and your spouse will hurt each other at some point, it's just part of life, but instead of holding onto that hurt, let it go and show forgiveness! Your spouse is the person you should be most forgiving and merciful with.

6. Maximize Act of Service and Kindness
Find ways to go out of your way to show kindness to your spouse and serve them. Look for little ways do serve them. When my husband does things around the house, that is HUGE for me! Him simply picking up the living room is one of the most wonderful things he can do. On the other hand, I spend most of my mornings each day finding ways to help him. I make his coffee and help gather up whatever he needs for the day. These are both just little ways of serving each other but they really go a very long way. Once you start looking for ways to serve your spouse, you'll be shocked at how many opportunities you find.

7. Maximize Intersession
One of the best things I ever heard was "Nagging is simply unbelief's substitute for prayer". That little line completely changed how I talked to my husband. Instead of trying to change and control your spouse, turn them over to God. If you would pray for your spouse every time the temptation to nag at them came into your mind, I think some people would be shocked how much of their day would be spent praying for their spouse! But take it even further than that, make a habit of getting on your knees just for your spouse. Pray over every area of their lives, their work, their role as a husband and father, their friendships, their temptations...the list is never ending. If you struggle in this area I highly recommend getting "The Power of a Praying Wife" or "The Power of a Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartain, those are excellent books!

8. Maximize Your Prayer Life
If you are struggling in your marriage, or any area really, I think the very best thing you can do is get before God. He already knows and sees everything going on in your life, but once you take it to Him and invite Him into the situation, He can actually begin to move and work. Spend time praying about everything though, this isn't just some magic formula that will change your spouse. This one is simply focusing on you! When you maximize your prayer life, you'll be shocked at what God will begin to do in you, through you and for you in every area of your life!

7 Things To Minimize

In my last post I talked about trying to change your spouse and how that's just not something you can do. I ended it by reminding you that you are the only person you can change. Anytime I hear someone talk about all the things they wish their spouse would change I always want to ask "And what do you need to change?"

I remember several years ago getting a copy of Stormie Omartian's book "The Power of a Praying Wife". I bought it because I thought it would show me how to change my husband through prayer, which is of course the more spiritual way to go about it. However the very first chapter focused on me. She spent 23 pages talking about all the things I needed to do, the things I needed to work on and change about myself and my interactions with him. I was so angry that I closed the book and didn't open it again for about another year! See I wanted him to change so much about himself but wasn't willing to focus on all the many things I needed to change about myself. So i'm not even going to attempt to tell you how to change your spouse or things that they should be doing differently. Instead, let's talk about you! First off, here are things you need to minimize and try to get out of your relationship...

1. Minimize Complaints
It is so easy to just sit around and complain about your spouse. I think way too often when talking to your friends or family members, people do nothing but complain about their spouse instead of building them up. But it is so important to not do that! If you are having any trouble with your spouse and your family not getting along, check yourself in this area. Do you complain about your spouse to your family? If so, this could be playing a HUGE part in their opinion of your spouse without you even realizing it.

2. Minimize Correction
For us girls this can be a big one! We get so busy correcting our kids all day long and when our husbands get home we stay in correction mode. This isn't a good thing! Remember, your spouse is a grown person, fully capable of making decisions and functioning without your correction. Each time you correct them you are simply telling them you don't think they are capable of behaving like a responsible adult. Do your best to just cut out correcting them.

3. Minimize Judgement
It's so easy to be critical and judgmental of those around you, but especially of your spouse. You know all the best and the worst about them and quite often can be the most judgmental of those qualities. But something to remember is, if you create a judgmental atmosphere in your home, everyone will always be pointing fingers and judging. It doesn't just stay between you and your spouse, it transfers to your kids!

4. Minimize Self-focus
To have a successful relationship you have to take your eyes and your focus off of yourself! Forget about getting attention and instead, focus on giving it to your spouse. I think this is one of the most important things you can do! Stop worrying about what you want and need and worry about what your spouse wants and needs. When you both do this, you are both constantly being taken care of.

5. Minimize Vain and Empty Imaginations
I did an entire post on Your Pretend Spouse and really dealt with this issue in-depth so i'll only talk about it briefly here. Whenever you spend all of your time focusing on what your spouse isn't doing and who they aren't, you keep yourself and your marriage in a state of unhappiness. Not only that, but when you do those things you don't even allow your spouse the opportunity to change because you're so focused on what they're not doing you never see what they are doing. If you deal with this, please read the link above! I give several things you can do to get out of this habit.

6. Minimize Accusations
I know that it's human nature to point the blame at someone else when something goes wrong but remember, as a Christian you are no longer controlled by your human nature! Anytime you are tempted to point your finger at your spouse and blame them turn that finger on yourself. Anytime you find yourself in the middle of a fight with your spouse understand that you are at least partly to blame, it really does take two people to fight. Even if your spouse did do something wrong, the minute you enter into a fight and start accusing them you are just as much at fault. Nothing gets accomplished in a fight!

7. Minimize Drama
This is a big one for me! I am a very dramatic person so I tend to bring drama into our relationship as well as any arguments we have. I have found that when I keep drama out of the equation things get resolved so much quicker! Life is hard enough without making things more dramatic than they really are so do everything you can to keep the drama out.


Since I do my "Fun Friday" posts each Friday I will continue this topic next Monday when I talk about 8 things you need to maximize in your relationship.

You Can't Change Them!!!

There are a couple of things to talk about when talking about change in a marriage, so I’m just going to take them one at a time.

I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make in the married world is marrying someone with the intent to change them. This seems to be a huge struggle for us girls! We were created with a tendency to "mother" those around us, and as a mother to our children it is our job to train and guide them. But I think very often we can start to transfer those tendencies onto our husbands and start mothering him. That is never a good thing!

This can be a very tricky area sometimes. I believe there is nothing wrong with expecting things from your spouse. There is a certain give and take that comes with marriage and when either one of you are not keeping up with your end of things it can throw your whole marriage off. However, it's very important to remember that you can not force your spouse to do these things or to change their personality in any way!

When my husband and I first got married I made the very common mistake of thinking I could change him into my idea of who he should be. He loved to play video games, he liked to hang out with a friend of his, he liked to play around on the computer messing with this goofy thing called Photoshop and it drove me completely crazy! I didn't feel that he was being a good husband and then father when our son was born. So I made it my job to change him into the person I thought he should be. Let me admit right now that I was a complete and utter failure at it! My husband is a completely different person now than he was when we first married but it had nothing at all to do with me.

I would love to be able to tell you to just do A, B and C and you can change your spouse, but I just can't do that. You see, you have absolutely no ability to change your spouse. It's not possible. There is nothing you can to do change their personality or their very nature. Nothing. The sooner you understand that and accept it the better off your marriage will be.

Now, does that mean there is nothing in your spouse that needs to change? Not at all! As I said before, there were plenty of things about Colby that he needed to change. It simply was, and is, impossible for me to change him. That is only something God and Colby can do. If there is something that needs changed in your spouse, He is the only one that can be effective at all. You getting in there and trying to fix the problem will do nothing but make it worse.

The only person you can change is you. Period. Now I know we all have a tendency to see to see what our spouse and others around us need to change but believe it or not, there's a pretty good chance that you have plenty to work on in yourself. See, if you focus on what you need to change, and your spouse focuses on what they need to change, that will cause your marriage to grow and improve so quickly.

So for the next few days, every time you see something in your spouse that you want them to change take that time to pray for them. If it's something you really feel they need to change, then ask God to work on them. But, for everything you want them to change, I want you to look at yourself and find something you need to change. Believe me, you will find things! As soon as you take the magnifying glass off of your spouse and put it on yourself, you'll be shocked at what you find!

Next we're going to talk about some things we need to maximize and minimize in our marriages. It's going to be great! :o)

Some changes

Towards the end of April this year I changed things up on this blog and started focusing on marriage. That has been one of the best things I could have done! I've seen my blog grow, as well as been able to reach out to people with great information that my husband and I have been blessed with and i'm so glad I made the change and started writing about this. However, I feel it's time for some more changes...

I do not want this blog to be a place where I just come and rattle off all my thoughts and ideas about something. I want this to be a place full of solid and valuable information on topics that really matter to people.

I am going to continue talking about marriage (I still have many more things to discuss on that front) but I want to broaden my topics a bit. This is where all my wonderful readers come in! If you wouldn't mind, take a few minuets and think about some of the things you would like to read about here and leave me a comment with whatever it may be. I'm not promising that i'll be able to eloquently discuss everything on every persons mind but, I will do the very best I can (and if I can't figure something out i'll ask my hubby, he's a genius!).

Beginning Friday, July 1st I am going to tackle readers thoughts and questions every Friday. This can be about any topic on anyone's mind. If this does not generate any interest after the first month I will reevaluate the situation and go from there, otherwise this will be an ongoing thing every Friday for as long as you all are interested and still sending it topics and questions.

Also a quick reminder, you can follow my blog or subscribe to it an have each post delivered directly to your email so you never miss one. You can also email me at joinmeforcoffeeblog(at)gmail.com. Thank you all so much and i'm looking forward to hearing from all of you!

A new year

So 2010 is over and 2011 has begun. Most people who have a blog i'm sure wrote something about the new year a few days ago, I of course i'm a little late in getting to it. :o) But better late than never right?!

I am personally not a huge fan of new year's resolutions, I have never made one that i've been able to follow so I simply stopped making them. That's not to say that I don't have things I want to do and change each new year. But somehow as long as I don't put "resolution" in front of it, it becomes reachable. Don't try to understand it. There is no logic to it. Just go with it.

So what are my goals for this year? First of all, I want to get healthy. I have decided I am going to start cooking healthier foods for our family. This will involve veggies. I hate almost all vegetables. I like green beans, corn, salad and tomatoes. That's it, list ends there. But you can't eat healthy unless you add some veggies to the mix so I guess that's what i'm going to have to do. By the way, if anyone has any good recipes feel free to share! :o) I also joined a gym! I have never in my life been a member of a gym or done any kind of work out regularly. I've gone walking with my friend before but that usually only lasts a few weeks before we get tired of it. But I am now an official member of a gym! My friend Chelsea and I went yesterday for the first time and are going again today. My plan is to go at least 3 times a week in the mornings before Konner goes to school. I have a goal weight that I want to be and i'm determined to not quit this time until I hit it. Surly with eating better and working out I can do it right?! Right! :o)

Second of all, I want to improve as a wife and mom. This is something I work on every single day (well, most every day!) but I want to work even harder at it. I think i'm going to try to set challenges for myself for each month. What these challenges will be, i'm not sure yet. But it's always good to challenge yourself and push yourself to grow and improve. So as I figure out what the challenges will be i'll come back and share.

Third of all, I want to defrump. Since i'm a stay at home mom it's so easy to simply throw on jeans and a tee shirt and call it good. But I want to get better about dressing nicer and fixing up more often. This morning I actually wore a dress to church for the first time in a long long time, actually can't remember the last time I wore a dress. A big part of it is I simply don't have dressy clothes so shopping will be involved in this challenge. Believe it or not that will be a challenge in itself. I love to shop but I always feel guilty buying myself things. However I'm going to get over it! I already started yesterday. Colby and I went out to get me some new tennis shoes for the gym and I ended up getting shoes, some work out clothes, a dress (that I wore this morning), a couple of tops and some pants. So i'm off to a pretty good start!

And lastly but most importantly, I want to grow spiritually. I'm looking for a good bible study to get into because I feel so thirsty for more of God. I want to go deeper this year than I ever have before. I want to look back a year from now and see such a different person. I want to love deeper, laugh harder and live more for Jesus than ever before.

So there you have it, those are my goals for the new year. Hopefully I can keep all of them and a year from now be a better, improved version of myself. Happy New Year everyone! :o)