Perspective

I know I just did this last week but I wanted to share another old post. I wrote this almost two years ago and it's always been one of my favorites, I only had about 10 followers when I wrote this so I just decided to dig it out again!


Just one mom's perspective

I recently took some time-while folding laundry-to rewatch the "Anne Of Green Gables" movies and fell in love with Anne all over again! I haven't watched those movies in such a long time and it brought back so many memories, I think I laughed harder, and cried harder for that matter, this time than I ever have before. Now that I’m older and get so much more of it the whole thing just came so much more alive for me. I remembered being a little girl and having the imagination of Anne and even wishing I could be her, she had a much more interesting life than I did and she had red hair! I would've loved to have red hair, it would've been much better than plain old dirty blonde!

One of my favorite scenes in the whole movie is where a mouse drowns in the sauce for the plum pudding that they were making for dinner that evening. She tries so hard to tell Marillla that she was imagining she was a nun....and forgot to put the cover on the sauce and a mouse drowned in it. That was me as a kid! I had a poster hanging over my bed that said "I mean to work hard Lord, but I keep running across things that are much more fun to do!" That was my life! I lived in my books and in my imagination. I thought there was nothing greater in the world than putting on my dress up clothes and walking into my world of make-believe.

However I lived in my world of make-believe for far to long, I took it with me into my teen years and even the early years of my marriage. I grew up planning what my life would be like and what kind of husband I would have, all the romantic things he would say and the 1000's of times he would bring home roses. I was going to keep a perfect house and raise the perfect children who of course would always look liked they just stepped out of a children's clothing add and would never dream of disobeying me! I of course would be the perfect american housewife, I would always be dressed in the latest fashions and keep a spotless house, and of course there would be a beautifully cooked meal on the table for breakfast lunch and dinner every single day! My christian walk would be picture perfect, I’d never miss a day in my bible reading and would be known among my friends as the "perfect Christian"! I would also be the perfect mother; I’d never ever lose my temper with my children who were just as perfect as I was. After all, they would have me as a role model, why wouldn't they be perfect?!

To that description all I have to say is....HA! I would love to say that I just described our home to you but I didn't even come close! While yes my husband is amazing, he sadly doesn't sit around all day dreaming up romantic things to say to me, nor does he come home with a huge bouquet of flowers each and every week! He loves to sit and watch tv or work on the computer instead of listing all my charming attributes, imagine that! My home is far from perfect! The outside needs painted and patched in several places, it is far from the dream house I’d always planned on; and the inside? Lets just say you can tell 3 kids live here! As for those 3 kids, they are amazing and absolutely the cutest kids in the world-in my humble opinion!-but they are hardly ever fixed up and perfect looking. On the rare occasion that they are fixed up just right with every hair in place, it usually only lasts until I place the finishing touches on them if that long. They don't mind me all the time and have been known to throw some royal fits! Which is of course shocking, after all, they do have me for a role model. Why aren't they perfect children?! Oh yeah, they have me for a role model...

I, sadly, am not the perfect american housewife that I planned to be. I am not always dressed perfectly; in fact right now I am still in my pj's drinking my coffee! I don't think my house has ever been spotless and I have NEVER served a beautiful breakfast, lunch and dinner all in one day! I am not a perfect mom, and sadly, I often lose my temper with at least one of the kids and even my husband! I am far from perfect and have made some pretty huge mistakes in my life. But you know what? I'm ok with all this. I will never be mistaken for Martha Stewart for my elegant home or Julia Child for my gourmet cooking; you will also never see me on the cover of a fashion magazine and I’m ok with that. I'll probably never be up for Mother of the Year, and I sure won't be known as the best and most perfect wife, and I’m ok with that. And would you believe it? I'm not a perfect Christian! I actually go days without reading my bible and even sometimes would just rather stay home and sleep than get up at 6:30 in the morning to go to church!

See my goals for my life have changed, I no longer try to be all those things and I no longer expect all those things from my husband or kids. I have accepted the fact that I am not a gourmet chef or a wonderful house keeper-I actually rather hate cleaning! I'm also not the world’s greatest mom and I’ve even stopped trying to be. I no longer expect perfection from my children or endless romance from my husband. I'm learning to accept each of them for who they are with all their strengths as well as all their weakness. After all, that's what I want from them!

You know, I’m not the perfect mom and yes I do lose my temper way to often with my kids but you know what? There is no one in the world who loves my kids more than I do and no one who will try harder to make their dreams come true for them-excluding my husband of course! My new goal is to always hold them when they cry, to laugh at their silly jokes, to do everything I can to encourage their dreams and to teach them everything I can about having a personal relationship with Christ! As for that "perfect Christian" stuff?! Once again...HA! I could sit here all day long and name every sin I’ve ever committed and never even finish. I don't know how many times I’ve asked for forgiveness because I’ve committed the same stupid sin once again! But thankfully my Heavenly Father is incredibly forgiving, He allows me to come to Him each and every time and willingly offers forgiveness, love and grace each time I mess up.

I don't know if anyone else has ever dealt with these things or if anyone will even be able to relate to what I’m talking about but if you can I want to say something specifically to you....Relax! Take some time right now and breath. Stop trying to be everything for everyone and just be who you really are! No one will ever be Jamie like I can be Jamie! No one will ever be you like you can be you! I've taken some time lately and still am in fact trying to figure out what I want from my life-Martha Stewart and Julia Child aside-and while I may never have it all figured out I am getting some of it figured out. I challenge you to do the same.

Are You Fun?

When my husband and I were dating, we laughed all the time! He was always cracking jokes and I was always trying to even though I was never really good at it. But we loved having fun together. I even remember times of going to the park and swinging together. I love those memories. Those were some of the funnest times of my life.

As we've gotten older and busier with life those fun things have kinda tapered off. We don't go to the park anymore unless we're taking the kids, we don't play as many goofy games like we did before, and we've pretty much gotten caught up with the responsibilities of life. However one thing we try to do often is laugh. Our house is often filled with laughter, even if it's just at a silly story from the kids day at school.

But I have to admit that there are times where it doesn't seem like there is much fun going on in our house. When things are particularly stressful or i've had an extremely hard day I notice that I sometimes put a halt to the fun going on around me. I can get in a grouchy funk and i'm no fun to be around at all!

Now there are times when things really are wrong and i'm not trying to make light of those times at all! But how often do small things seem big in our mind and cause us to lose our joy? Sometimes my kids can argue for a few minuets and I react as if the world is ending and make everyone miserable in the process. But you know what? I'm the only one who can change that. I'm the only one that can chose to be fun.

As my kids grow up, I want them to remember the sound of my laughter. When they picture me, I want them to see a smile on my face, not a scowl. When my husband pictures coming home at the end of the day I want him to picture me with a smile, not be prepared for me to vomit all my frustrations on him. And again, i'm the only one who can determine that outcome.

If you struggle with being fun here are a few ideas to get you started...

1. Build a tent/fort with your kids and spend the afternoon in it watching movies. Pop some popcorn and stay in your jammies while you do it.

2. Take a trip to the park with your spouse and actually swing! Don't just let your kids slide and swing, get in there with them and do it. Or better yet, go on a park date with just your spouse!

3. Give the kids a glass of chocolate milk and blow bubbles in it with them.

4. Lay on the floor and color with them. Don't even color things the right color. Make someone green on the page and see how hard your kids laugh.

5. Get out the play dough and see who in your family can sculpt the best figure. I bet your kids will actually be better than you and your spouse.

6. Play in the water with your spouse. Sprinklers are not just for kids!

7. Turn on some music and have a dance party with the whole family. I can't dance at all but even I like to dance to some "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"!

8. Get out a board game and change the rules up. Make it the object of the game to lose instead of win and see how confused everyone gets through out the game.

9. Go on a picnic. Pull out the blanket and eat on the ground!

10. Have a candy day. Every hour, on the hour, every person in the house gets a piece of candy. You can even make it more fun and have the rule that every person has to do something silly before they get their piece.


It doesn't matter what it is you chose to do as long as you do something! Make a point to do something fun and out of the ordinary as often as possible. But please remember, having fun and being silly is not just something to do with your children. Remember the fun you had when you and your spouse were dating. Pull out and re-create some of those memories to surprise them with. There's enough stress in this life without taking all fun out of your life! There's an old saying that goes "The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed." and I have to say, I couldn't agree more!!!

Won't You Let Me Change?!

"A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love." ~ Pearl S. Buck

As I was looking through marriage quotes this morning I came across this one and it really made me think. I've talked before about the fact that so often when we get married we think we can change our spouse and the dangers of that kind of thinking. But what happens when they start to change on their own?

My husband and I got married when we were 18 and neither of us had any idea of what we were supposed to be doing. We didn't know how to be married and naively thought there wouldn't be much to it (don't laugh too hard!). What we very quickly ended up with was a huge mess! During this time we both began to expect certain behaviors from each other, these were the behaviors we had been showing so it was completely natural to expect them from one another. However, after some major events in our marriage we both began to change and work really hard to fix the mess of a marriage that we had. At that point I discovered just how hard it can be to allow a person to change!

I would make a mistake and expect my husband to react in an irrational angry way, but he wouldn't. I would get angry at him and pick a fight expecting him to fight back, but he wouldn't. I almost started looking for ways to test him to see if he was really different and for a while I was shocked every time he proved that he was. Then I went through a phase of punishing him for how he used to be. Even though he hadn't responded negativity like he would have in the past, I expected him to so i'd punish him, just in case!

Over time I realized that him changing was just as much my responsibility as it was his. You see, he had to make the choice to actually change but I also had to allow him to change and learn how to react to the differences in him instead of what I expected from him. I had to stop treating him like the person he used to be and get to know this new wonderful man that had taken over. Once I did that I saw our marriage begin to transform!

So here's a few suggestions I have for someone dealing with a situation like this.

1. Appreciate the effort.
In order for someone to change something about their nature or habits, it takes a conscious effort on their part. When you are used to reacting in anger and you try to to change that about yourself it is HARD! Most likely they will not change instantly so there will be mess-ups along the way. Be sure they know you're aware of their effort and that you appreciate the work they're putting into it.

2. Be patient with them.
As I said, these are not changes that will happen instantly. The bigger and more difficult the change, the longer it will take and the more patient you will have to be with them.

3. Leave the past in the past!
If you know that your spouse is working to improve in a certain area, do not use that particular area as a weapon against them. Forgive them if you need to and let.it.go! Neither of you will ever get anywhere if you are constantly bringing up past failures and throwing them in their face. I can tell you from experience that if you don't allow your spouse to grow and change they will stop wanting to grow and change and that's not a good place for either of you to be.

4. Encourage them.
Look for every opportunity you can find to lift them up and encourage them. It can be exhausting to work on changing things about yourself and it's very easy to feel like you're not doing any good at all. So find times to encourage them and tell them that they're doing a great job.

5. Pray for them.
Any change that a person makes in their personality or nature is done through the strength of Christ. It is not easy and it does take each person making a conscious choice and effort to do so, but the ability to change comes only from Him. With that being the case, take every opportunity to can to pray for your spouse in whatever area they are working on.


Change is often very difficult but it is a part of life. If you are married for more than a month you are going to see your spouse change, sometimes for the better and even sometimes for the worse. It is our job to support each other and lift each other up when those changes occur. It's so important that we remember to allow our spouses to make those changes!

C.S. Lewis on Marriage PT 2

Here is the continuation of C.S. Lewis' chapter on marriage from "Mere Christianity" titled " Christian Marriage".


People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ for ever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change — not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.

This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go — let it die away — go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow — and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. it is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy.

Another notion we get from novels and plays is that ‘falling in love’ is something quite irresistible; something that just happens to one, like measles. And because they believe this, some married people throw up the sponge and give in when they find themselves attracted by a new acquaintance. But I am inclined to think that these irresistible passions are much rarer in real life than in books, at any rate when one is grown up. When we meet someone beautiful and clever and sympathetic, of course we ought, in one sense, to admire and love these good qualities. But is it not very largely in our own choice whether this love shall, or shall not, turn into what we call ‘being in love’? No doubt, if our minds are full of novels and plays and sentimental songs, and our bodies full of alcohol, we shall turn any love we feel into that kind of love: just as if you have a rut in your path all the rainwater will run into that rut, and if you wear blue spectacles everything you see will turn blue. But that will be our own I fault.

Before leaving the question of divorce, I should like to distinguish two things which are very often confused. The Christian conception of marriage is one: the other is the quite different question — how far Christians, if they are voters or Members of Parliament, ought to try to force their views of marriage on the rest of the community by embodying them in the divorce laws. A great many people seem to think that if you are a Christian yourself you should try to make divorce difficult for every one. I do not think that. At least I know I should be very angry if the Mahommedans tried to prevent the rest of us from drinking wine. My own view is that the Churches should frankly recognise that the majority of the British people are not Christians and, therefore, cannot be expected to live Christian lives. There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the State with rules enforced on all citizens, the other governed by the Church with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be quite sharp, so that a man knows which couples are married in a Christian sense and which are not.
So much for the Christian doctrine about the permanence of marriage. Something else, even more unpopular, remains to be dealt with. Christian wives promise to obey their husbands. In Christian marriage the man is said to be the ‘head’. Two questions obviously arise here. (1) Why should there be a head at all — why not equality? (2) Why should it be the man?

(1) The need for some head follows from the idea that marriage is permanent. Of course, as long as the husband and wife are agreed, no question of a head need arise; and we may hope that this will be the normal state of affairs in a Christian marriage. But when there is a real disagreement, what is to happen? Talk it over, of course; but I am assuming they have done that and still failed to reach agreement. What do they do next? They cannot decide by a majority vote, for in a council of two there can be no majority. Surely, only one or other of two things can happen: either they must separate and go their own ways or else one or other of them must have a casting vote. If marriage is permanent, one or other party must, in the last resort, have the power of deciding the family policy. You cannot have a permanent association without a constitution.

(2) If there must be a head, why the man? Well, firstly, is there any very serious wish that it should be the woman? As I have said, I am not married myself, but as far as I can see, even a woman who wants to be the head of her own house does not usually admire the same state of things when she finds it going on next door. She is much more likely to say ‘Poor Mr X! Why he allows that appalling woman to boss him about the way she does is more than I can imagine.’ I do not think she is even very flattered if anyone mentions the fact of her own ‘headship’. There must be something unnatural about the rule of wives over husbands, because the wives themselves are half ashamed of it and despise the husbands whom they rule. But there is also another reason; and here I speak quite frankly as a bachelor, because it is a reason you can see from outside even better than from inside. The relations of the family to the outer world — what might be called its foreign policy — must depend, in the last resort, upon the man, because he always ought to be, and usually is, much more just to the outsiders. A woman is primarily fighting for her own children and husband against the rest of the world. Naturally, almost, in a sense, rightly, their claims override, for her, all other claims. She is the special trustee of their interests. The function of the husband is to see that this natural preference of hers is not given its head. He has the last word in order to protect other people from the intense family patriotism of the wife. If anyone doubts this, let me ask a simple question. If your dog has bitten the child next door, or if your child has hurt the dog next door, which would you sooner have to deal with, the master of that house or the mistress? Or, if you are a married woman, let me ask you this question. Much as you admire your husband, would you not say that his chief failing is his tendency not to stick up for his rights and yours against the neighbours as vigorously as you would like? A bit of an Appeaser?

C.S. Lewis on Marriage

My husband's favorite author is the great C.S.Lewis. In regards to pretty much any subject he was a master and his writings and teaching just can't be touched. So for a little change of pace, and to give you all a small break from my ramblings, I have decided to post and entire chapter that C.S. Lewis wrote on marriage in his book "Mere Christianity" which is a book I highly recommend to anyone and everyone. It's a bit of a long chapter so i'm going to break it up over the next two days, which means that there will be no Fun Friday post this week. I hope you enjoy it and please feel free to leave any comments, thoughts or questions you may have about anything from this chapter. I will be sure to pass them all on to my husband since he is the C.S. Lewis expert in out family! I hope you enjoy...


Christian Marriage

The last chapter was mainly negative. I discussed what was wrong with the sexual impulse in man, but said very little about its right working — in other words, about Christian marriage. There are two reasons why I do not particularly want to deal with marriage. The first is that the Christian doctrines on this subject are extremely unpopular. The second is that I have never been married myself, and, therefore, can speak only at second hand. But in spite of that, I feel I can hardly leave the subject out in an account of Christian morals.
The Christian idea of marriage is based on Christ’s words that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism — for that is what the words ‘one flesh’ would be in modern English. And the Christians believe that when He said this He was not expressing a sentiment but stating a fact — just as one is stating a fact when one says that a lock and its key are one mechanism, or that a violin and a bow are one musical instrument. The inventor of the human machine was telling us that its two halves, the male and the female, were made to be combined together in pairs, not simply on the sexual level, but totally combined. The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong I about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself, any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again.

As a consequence, Christianity teaches that marriage is for life. There is, of course, a difference here between different Churches: some do not admit divorce at all; some allow it reluctantly in very special cases. It is a great pity that Christians should disagree about such a question; but for an ordinary layman the thing to notice is that the Churches all agree with one another about marriage a great deal more than any of them agrees with the outside world. I mean, they all regard divorce as something like cutting up a living body, as a kind of surgical operation. Some of them think the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases. They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment. What they all disagree with is the modern view that it is a simple readjustment of partners, to be made whenever people feel they are no longer in love with one another, or when either of them falls in love with someone else.

Before we consider this modern view in its relation to chastity, we must not forget to consider it in relation to another virtue, namely justice. Justice, as I said before, includes the keeping of promises. Now everyone who has been married in a church has made a public, solemn promise to stick to his (or her) partner till death. The duty of keeping that promise has no special connection with sexual morality: it is in the same position as any other promise. If, as modern people are always telling us, the sexual impulse is just like all our other impulses, then it ought to be. treated like all our other impulses; and as their indulgence is controlled by our promises, so should its be. If, as I think, it is not like all our other impulses, but is morbidly inflamed, then we should be specially careful not to let it lead us into dishonesty.
To this someone may reply that he regarded the promise made in church as a mere formality and never intended to keep it. Whom, then, was he trying to deceive when he made it? God? That was really very unwise. Himself? That was not very much wiser. The bride, or bridegroom. or the ‘in-laws’? That was treacherous. Most often, I think, the couple (or one of them) hoped to deceive the public. They wanted the respectability that is attached to marriage without intending to pay the price: that is, they were impostors, they cheated. If they are still contented cheats, I have nothing to say to them: who would urge the high and hard duty of chastity on people who have not yet wished to be mere honest? If they have now come to their senses and want to be honest, their promise, already made, constrains them. And this, you will see, comes under the heading of justice, not that of chastity. If people do not believe in permanent marriage, it is perhaps better that they should live together unmarried than that they should make vows they do not mean to keep. It is true that by living together without marriage they will be guilty (in Christian eyes) of fornication. But one fault is not mended by adding another: unchastity is not improved by adding perjury.

The idea that ‘being in love’ is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. The curious thing is that lovers themselves, while they remain really in love, know this better than those who talk about love. As Chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. Love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. The Christian law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion’s own nature: it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do.

And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry. But what, it may be asked, is the use of keeping two people together if they are no longer in love? There are several sound, social reasons; to provide a home for their children, to protect the woman (who has probably sacrificed or damaged her own career by getting married) from being dropped whenever the man is tired of her. But there is also another reason of which I am very sure, though I find it a little hard to explain.

It is hard because so many people cannot be brought to realise than when B is better than C, A may be even better than B. They like thinking in terms of good and bad, not of good, better, and best, or bad, worse and worst. They want to know whether you think patriotism a good thing: if you reply that it is, of course, far better than individual selfishness, but that it is inferior to universal charity and should always give way to universal charity when the two conflict, they think you are being evasive. They ask what you think of duelling. If you reply that it is far better to forgive a man than to fight a duel with him, but that even a duel might be better than a lifelong enmity which expresses itself in secret efforts to ‘do the man down,’ they go away complaining that you would not give them a straight answer. I hope no one will make this mistake about what I am now going to say.

What we call ‘being in love’ is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous. it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, ‘the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs’. Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.

If you disagree with me, of course, you will say, ‘He knows nothing about it, he is not married.’ You may quite possibly be right. But before you say that, make quite sure that you are judging me by what you really know from your own experience and from watching the lives of your friends, and not by ideas you have derived from novels and films. This is not so easy to do as people think. Our experience is coloured through and through by books and plays and the cinema, and it takes patience and skill to disentangle the things we have really learned from life for ourselves.

Guest Post: H.O.H.

Today's post is a guest post by my husband Colby. I wrote last week about submission and the role that plays for women so I asked my husband to post about men's role as the head of household. I think he did such a wonderful job and I encourage you to share this with your husbands and other men in your family. So once again, please welcome Colby.


This week marks the end of another season of the reality show Big Brother. In case you are not familiar with this show, let me give you a brief synopsis: It is basically a 3 month power struggle between a handful of people or "house guests" locked in a house, away from the real world, for a half million dollar final prize. Each week, they compete to become "Head of Household" or "H.O.H.". The H.O.H. then chooses 2 people to nominate for eviction, they have another competition to win the golden "Power of Veto" or "POV" which gives them the power to un-nominate themselves (if they have been nominated) or someone else. Then the house guests vote on who should leave, that person leaves, and the process starts over again. The thing I find interesting is this: In this game, every body wants to be the head of household, and everything it entails. However in the real world, nobody wants to accept the responsibilities of that position, and those who desire it only do so for the inherent power that comes with the position. The truth is the term head of household has gotten so twisted, we no longer even know what it really means. Let's see if we can figure this out.

Paul says in Ephesians 5:23 "For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.". This tells us we should lead our house in the same way that Jesus leads the church. Well, how did Jesus lead? We will examine that in a moment, but for know I would like to pose a more general question: How can anyone lead? Lead is defined like this "to go before or with to show the way". If we have people under our watch, or following us, they will only know where to go by watching us, and following in our steps. Like I tell my son, "I do not try to be a good father just so you can survive to adulthood, I try to be a good father so that you will grow up to be a good father."

So how did Jesus lead? He lead by example (Matthew 6:9-13, John 13:1-17). The disciples learned how to live Christ like by watching Christ live. So it is with our families. There is no better way to raise a child of God than to let them see you being a man of God.

So what exactly is our responsibility to our wife and kids? I'm glad you asked. Allow me a moment of catharsis before we move on. You need to understand exactly what God expects of you if you have a wife and child. There are far to many children growing up without involved fathers for this issue to go un-addressed. If you do not want to accept the responsibilities that come with having children, don't have sex. It's as easy as that. If you think you can be sexually active, get a girl pregnant, and simply walk away with no strings attached, you are a like a little boy on the level with the child who finds and wields his father's handgun as a "fun toy". If this is you, you are free to go. I have nothing else to say to you, although I would love to give you a hard punch in the gut. Fortunately reality will do that for me. Now, turning to the men who are left. We are charged with 3 primary positions:

1. Protector
This one is very basic, but it is often misinterpreted. As we have discussed previously, this is not limited only to physical protection. I would bet most everyone reading this has locks on their doors, and a weapon of some sort in your house. You may even have a security system with motion sensors, camera's, and all the bells and whistles. These are all good things, but not one of them can deflect an attack of the devil. As men we know that if someone breaks into our house, it is us who must take the assailant on, and even give our life fighting to keep our family safe. Should our houses not be equally fortified against spiritual attacks? The bible tells us our enemy is like "a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." Notice he may not devour just anyone. Only those who placed themselves within his reach. I encourage you to make your home a spiritual safe house, as well as keeping it safe from physical enemies.

2. Provider
This one is easy to describe, but can be difficult to execute. As husbands and fathers it is our job to work. You can't be afraid to work hard, or your family will pay the price. 1 Timothy 5:8 says "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." That seems inescapably clear to me. You must do what it takes to provide a life for your family. Period.

3.Priest
Most men would agree about the first 2 points, but I'm afraid this is where most men drop the ball. If I asked you who should be the primary spiritual influence on your family, most of you would probably say your pastor or perhaps children's pastor. Absolutely not. It's you. You must make sure you have chosen a church that is teaching biblical truths. You must make sure your family attends, even when the pastor is on vacation. You must make sure you are learning so that you may turn and impart that wisdom into your family. Can they learn from the pastor and children's pastor? Of course, and they should. But if you take them to a church were the are teaching false doctrines, you are accountable to God for that.


As you can see, being the head of your household is not a power trip. Now, don't misunderstand me, in training our children we must sometimes tell them what to do. However, it is not a license to simply bark orders at them and then sit back and do nothing to help, but a responsibility to love and lead by example. It is the high calling to the ultimate life of humility and sacrifice. And what a blessed life it is! I urge you to take your job as husband and father seriously. It is the most important title you will ever hold.

-Colby

My First Guest Post: Welcome Colby!

I don't usually post on Saturdays but today I had to make an exception. My husband has started a blog called The Red Letter Man and he is a fantastic writer. He is starting by posting about situations in his life that have shaped him and his post today was so wonderful that I just had to share it with all of my wonderful readers. So please enjoy and welcome my husband, Colby.



The day my daughter (almost) died.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Standing in the triage room at BSA hospital on a Sunday night as the doctor explained that my 6 month old daughter needed to be admitted. She had a urinary tract infection that had spread throughout her entire body. She was also severely dehydrated. The next five days were to be some of the hardest in my life. You never know how much you care about someone until you are looking at loosing them. As they lead us into the room that she would be staying in, the uncertainty was almost to much to take. I will never forget seeing the steel cage that they called a crib for the first time. I felt like I was living out a scene from the movie "Saw". I remember being speechless when they asked if we wanted her to be an organ donor if she didn't make it. But the thing I remember above anything else is the way God reached down in our greatest moment of despair and literally saved her life.

It was late Monday night when the nightmare reached its worst point. Her temperature had been over 104 degrees several times over the course of the last few days. We had given her cool baths and Tylenol and had managed to tame it each time. But now the problem was reversed. My wife held her close to her body and she was wrapped in several warm blankets fresh out of the dryer. But despite this her temperature was at 95 degrees and dropping. The reality started sinking in that I was very possibly watching her die. After taking her temperature and seeing this number, the nurse told us that they were going to start preparing the ICU. As she walked out of the room, our current children's pastor walked in. We had called him a few minutes before to see if he could pray for us over the phone, but instead (even though it was 11pm and he was on his way home when we called) he insisted on coming to the hospital. He started talking about how mad he was at the devil for messing with God's people. This statement blew my mind. Growing up in church you always hear that when bad things happen, God must have a reason for doing it to you. I never considered that maybe, just maybe, God isn't the one doing the bad things to you at all! As we listened with a lump in our throats he claimed a promise over her that neither of us would dare to hope for. As he told us "She will live and not die" (Psalms 118:17) I began to sob. Then he prayed a prayer for her full of confidence and scriptural promises about healing. He prayed for strength for me and my wife, and he ended with Jeremiah 29:11. As he turned to leave, the nurse returned to check her temperature one more time before they moved her to the ICU. We could barely believe it when we saw the reading on the thermometer: 99.2.

For the next 4 days it was an uphill battle, until we finally left the hospital that Friday afternoon. But I believe the hold of the enemy on her that almost claimed her life was beaten that night. She will turn 5 this November. She is healthy, happy, and the light of my life. Every time I look at her I'm reminded that, no matter how dark things look, there is no darkness that cannot be expelled by the power of God.

I learned a lot of things from this experience, but I would briefly like to share just two of them.

1. The bible says "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge" (Hosea 4:6). As men, especially fathers, one of our primary responsibilities is to protect our family. We all know if a physical enemy were to assail our wife or children, it would be our job to protect them at all costs, even your own life. However this is not the only danger. There are spiritual forces mounted against your family that are subtler, put infinitely more potent. Like many other Christians, I thought that, simply put, God was going to kill her and I just had to deal with that. The bible says very plainly that this is not how God operates. Sickness and death are from the devil, but God gives us healing and life (John 10:10, Acts 10:38). But I had all but given up. In my lack of knowledge I stood by and did nothing as I watched her life slip away. After this experience I purposed to gain all the knowledge I could for the protection of my family. Never again would Satan be allowed to have the upper hand over my family. Since then I have done extensive study into spiritual warfare, healing, and our authority over demonic forces, and I would encourage all men (especially fathers) to do the same.

2. Life is precious. In that moment when I thought I was watching her die, I realized I didn't really know my daughter. I waited my entire adult life to have a daughter, and yet at six months old I had never really spent any quality time with her. I had sat around waiting for her to "develop a personality", and now I had lost my chance. Even more than that, I didn't know my 2 year old son any better. Now, almost 4 years later, I take every opportunity I can find to spend time with my kids. Even running down to the convenience store to grab a bag of ice, I rotate taking one of the three of them with me for some one on one time. Anything they become interested in, I take the time to learn about it. I tell them regularly how special they are to me. Sadly, it took my baby girl almost dying to realize I should have been doing these things all along.

People have often asked why we didn't take any pictures while she was in the hospital and we usually answer with something like, "Oh, we just didn't think about." However, the truth is that I did not then nor have I ever since wanted to recall the horror that filled the majority of those five days. And the good things that took place, the things that shaped me, I will never forget nor could any photo capture. I know without doubt that her life was not spared for no reason. She will grow to be an amazing woman of God and live out the words of Jeremiah 29:11 with style and grace. So here's to my amazing Lexi. The keeper of my heart, daughter of the king, and my continuous joy in a cynical world.

-Colby

Fun Friday: Words, Words, Words

The topic for this Friday's post is on words. One of my facebook followers posted this on my wall... "I would love to hear your thoughts on "Words" in a marriage. Like how they can build or destroy your marriage relationship. How a person's past experiences or how they were raised can affect the words they speak and how to change the way we speak to each other."

Words. Everything in our life is surrounded by words. But how much thought do you put into the words you speak? We talk about everything in life but often times I think we speak without thinking first. Not only can doing so hurt people but I believe that words are power holders and every word you speak you releases power.

Think about this for a minuet, at the very beginning of the bible God goes through and explains how the universe and everything in it was created. Have you ever noticed that it was all done through the words God spoke? That's it, just words. His words created everything. Then if you look over in Mark 11 you'll see Jesus curse a fig tree and it withers up from the roots and dies. Again, He used only his words but this time instead of His words bringing life they brought death.

Now how does this relate to marriage? The bible says in Proverbs 18:21 that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" and I believe that is in any area of your life. But lets talk specifically about the words you speak in your marriage. I believe that the person you are most careless in your words with is your spouse. They hear it all! If you're anything like me, you just spew the good the bad and the ugly over them all the time. Colby is the person I talk about everything to, both good and bad. He's also the person I can get the angriest with, and when i'm angry I speak angry words.

Have you ever said words like "You're a horrible husband/wife!" "I hate being married!" "I want a divorce" or any other number of statements like this? Did you realize that with every word you spoke, you released death into your marriage? I've said before that one of my favorite sayings is "Inside every man there is a king and a fool. Which one are you talking to?" I believe that whichever one you talk to, that's the one you will see. The reason for that is, with your words you are speaking life into either the king or the fool in him. It's so important to only speak life into the king inside your husband! The king is the one you want to rise up in him, not the fool!

I believe simply speaking the word "divorce" in your marriage causes so much damage! The very definition of this word is "To cut off; separate or disunite" and every single time you speak it you are releasing that into your marriage. Remember, death and life are in the power of your tongue. Are yours speaking death over your marriage or life? Instead of saying things like "I want a divorce" say things like "No matter what, I refuse to get a divorce!" You can take control of a situation simply with your words! God created the entire universe simply with His words and He has given you that same power. Take that power and use it with complete authority!

Now I know that things in your past and your background can effect who you are and how you view things but Romans 12:2 says "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God". It doesn't matter what is in your past, as a Christian, you are to be completely transformed in your mind, spirit and body. I'm not saying it's easy! My parents divorced when I was 15 and i'll be honest, sometimes it seems impossible for my husband and I to make our marriage last. After all, everyone around us is getting divorced so why are we any different right? Wrong! When thoughts like that creep into your heart and mind remember that 2 Corinthians 10:5 says "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ".

I believe that you absolutely can change how you speak to and about your spouse and marriage. It isn't something that happens over night by any means, but it can be done. It is something that takes a constant and conscious effort though. You don't just wake up speaking different i'm sorry to say! You have to make the choice each day, and sometimes each hour, to speak life instead of death. I think a great way to change how you speak is to make certain words off limits. Obviously the first word is divorce. You should never make a habit of allowing that to be a part of your vocabulary. But other than that word, get very picky about what you cut out. It's ok to get serious and really cut out negative words in your marriage. Remember, your words release power. Negative words release negative power into and over your marriage.

Find good words to replace the negative words. Begin to find ways to speak life into your marriage and over your spouse. I remember when things were the worst between Colby and I , I had so many people around me speaking bad about my husband and my marriage. As a defensive measure I would counter everything they said. I would say things like "He is going to be a great husband and father" "We are going to make it through this" "We aren't going to get a divorce" and many other things like this. I said them over and over and over and you know what? They came to pass! I was constantly (and honestly without even realizing) speaking life into my marriage and my husband. So find every area you can to replace "death words" with "life words" and I truly believe that you will be shocked with how things can change!

Psalm 19:14 "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer."

Each Friday I tackle the thoughts and questions of my readers. If there is something you would like me to discuss feel free to either leave a comment below, leave a comment on my facebook page or email me at joinmeforcoffeeblog(at)gmail(dot)com.


This post is linked up with Homemaker By Choice and Time-Warp Wife.

Your Pretend Spouse

Tall dark and handsome. Full of mystery and charm. Never mean or hurtful. A perfect gentleman at all times. Never fails to complement me. Loves every tiny thing about me. Thinks I can do no wrong. Perfect father. Perfect husband. Perfect man.

Any of this sound like a real person? Not to me! However this was my idea of the perfect man as a young girl and he became my pretend husband. I just knew I would find this perfect man and would live in complete bliss for the rest of my life. Poor Colby, he never had a chance! I walked into our marriage expecting a life of ease, perfection and completion and instead got lots of work and hurt.

I walked into situations with him expecting him to react the way my pretend husband would, and he very rarely did. We had our first child and I expected him to be the kind of father that my pretend husband would be. He wasn’t. I expected him to be as romantic as my pretend husband would have been, and he wasn’t that either. So I punished him. I began to close myself off to him and shut him out. I had so envisioned this perfect man that I had no idea how to handle the imperfect man that I had married.

After making a lot of mistakes and almost losing my marriage I finally had a light bulb moment…I wasn’t married to my pretend husband! I had married a human man, not a prince from a Disney movie. This man made mistakes. This man had a lot to learn as a husband and father. But this man was willing to pour himself into becoming the best man he could be. This man loved me for me, mistakes and faults and all. This man was real, and this man chose me. Those were all things that my pretend husband had never done.

It took time and a lot of work but I finally stopped comparing him to my pretend husband. I stopped punishing him for not acting or reacting like my pretend husband would have. I backed off and stopped trying to shape him into my idea of my pretend husband and let him be him.

When I finally backed off and allowed Colby to be Colby and left changing him to God, he was transformed. He was never meant to be like my pretend husband, he was meant to be him. My pretend husband did nothing but hurt our marriage and we were not able to build our marriage until I kicked him out and put all of my attention and focus on my real husband.

If you struggle in this area at all I encourage you to do a couple of things.

1. Kick your pretend spouse to the curb!
It is wrong to make your spouse compete with anyone, much less a figment of your imagination! You do nothing but harm your self and your relationship with your spouse by allowing your pretend spouse a place in your marriage.

2. Accept your spouse for who they really are.
There is not a single person on this planet that is perfect, and that includes you! Yes your spouse has faults, some of them may even be pretty big faults, but until you can fully accept them for who they are your marriage will never go anywhere but down. I am in no way saying that you have to live with major character flaws, but stop jumping down his throat because he came home late or forgot to take out the trash. Accept the fact that they may be a very forgetful person and you may have to remind them of something more often than you’d like to. It’s ok, you will live through it. Promise!

3. Understand that you are at fault here too.
It is not your spouse’s fault that they are not measuring up to your pretend spouse. It is yours. Your spouse should never have been put in that position in the first place and they’ve done nothing wrong by not keeping up. When you expect perfection you will be disappointed. Never forget that you married a flawed human being. Allow them to make mistakes and move on. You know you aren’t perfect and never will be, so stop expecting perfection from them!

4. Talk to your spouse.
As hard as this may be, you need to confess your thoughts to your spouse. There is a very good chance that they had no idea they were in competition with a figment of your imagination all this time. You have been unfair to them by having them compete and you need to come clean with your spouse about your thoughts in this situation. This may also open up a huge opportunity for the two of you to grow closer to each other. He or she may have no idea some of the things you would like from them and by talking about all of this, you may actually gain some of the things you’ve been wanting all this time.

5. Pray.
Jesus knows every thought you have and every desire of your heart, both pure and impure. Never forget that! Anytime you struggle with comparing your real spouse with your pretend spouse stop, and give it to God. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says we are to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Day 12

Day 12 (Feb 12) "Love lets others win" Phil. 2:4
Are you willing to bend to demonstrate love to your husband? Or are you refusing to give in because of pride? If it doesn't matter in the long run--especially in eternity--then give up your rights and choose to honor the one you love. It will be good for you and good for your marriage.

Day 12 challenge is...Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Are you a stubborn person? I personally am a very stubborn person! I can form an opinion about something, or decide I want to do something that that's it. My heals are dug in and my mind is made up. End of story, this is what i want to do. Let me tell you, when your married, that does not go over well!

Quick example here...I love Christmas! It's my very favorite time of the year. Everything is bright and wonderful and happy. I love the music, the decorations, all the food, I just love everything about it. Colby however, does not love Christmas. He hates Christmas music and shopping and all the crowds of people everywhere. But he does enjoy his family gatherings and I enjoy mine.

Our first few years of marriage we ended up fighting hard about what we were going to do for Christmas. We both wanted to go to our families get-togethers and we both wanted different traditions to carry over with our kids. I can't even explain how hard we fought over this!

But it finally got to the point that we both decided to make a compromise. We figured out things we could live without and things we really wanted to have. Now we have come up with a plan for exactly how we're going to have Christmas and when we will get together with each of our families. We don't have to fight about it. We can both sit back and enjoy everything about the day.

Had we not taken a step back and been willing to give up "our way", we would still be fighting every single year about this.

Are there any areas in your day to day life that you fight and struggle with your spouse? If so, take the time to look at it from a different perspective and see where you can give up your way.

"No, you won’t always see eye-to-eye. You’re not supposed to be carbon copies of each other. If you were, one of you would be unnecessary. Two people who always share the same opinions and perspectives won’t have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship. Rather, your differences are for listening to and learning from.

Are you willing to bend to demonstrate love to your spouse? Or are you refusing to give in because of pride? If it doesn’t matter in the long run – especially in eternity – then give up your rights and choose to honor the one you love."

Day 11

Day 11 (Feb 11) "Love cherishes" Eph. 5:28
Don't let the culture around you determine the worth of your marriage. To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor god's purpose for it. That would be like amputating a limb. Instead, it should be a picture of love between two imperfect people who choose to love each other regardless.

Day 11 challenge is...What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

Since I married my husband I found out something. I discovered that there is no one in the world who loves me like him. I also found out that there is no one in this world that can hurt me like my husband. The same goes for him, there is no one who loves him like I do and there is also no one who can hurt him like I can. I know everything about him. I know what it takes to encourage him and I know what it takes to crush him.

Have you ever been in a fight with your spouse and instead of holding your tongue, you lash out with hateful words? Words meant to tear at the very core of who they are? I have to admit that I have done exactly that before. But you know what I found out when I did that? I found out that I not only hurt my husband, I also hurt myself.

See the reason for this is, we are one. Plain and simple. What hurts him, hurts me. What blesses him, blesses me.

"When you mistreat your mate, you are also mistreating yourself. Think about it, Your lives are now interwoven together. Your spouse cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you. So when you attack your mate, it is like attacking your own body. It's time to change your thinking. It's time for you to realize that your spouse is as much a part of you as your hand, your eye, or your heart."

"Whenever a husband looks into the eyes of his wife, he should remember that 'he who loves his wife loves himself'. And a wife should remember that when she loves him she is also giving love and honor to herself. When you look at your mate, you're looking at a part of you. So treat her well. Speak highly of him. Nourish and cherish the love of your life."

When you do the challenge for today, whatever need you choose to meet, remember these words and put them into practice. I also wanted to add my own little advice here. While you're doing the challenge, take some of the time to pray for your spouse. Ask Jesus to show you a new and deeper way to love your spouse. No matter how long you've been married your relationship can always grow and deepen.

Day 10

Day 10 (Feb 10) "Love is unconditional" Rom. 5:8
When you rebuild your marriage with agape love as its foundation, then the friendship and romantic aspects of your love become more endearing than ever before. When your enjoyment of each other as best friends and lovers is based on unwavering commitment, you will experience an intimacy that cannot be achieved any other way.

Day 10 challenge is...Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of their partner in marriage.


Ok, this was also a really good chapter so i'm going to take a few quotes out to share with y'all. Yes, I said y'all. I'm a Texan. Lets move on.

"If someone were to ask you 'Why do you love your wife?' or 'Why do you love your husband?'--what would you say?"

Would your response be something about their good looks or their personality? For men, would it be something about how she's a good cook or a wonderful mother? "But what if over the course of years, your wife or husband stopped being every one of these things. Would you still love them? Based on the answers above, the only logical answer would be 'no'. If your reasons for loving your spouse all have something to do with his or her qualities-and then those same qualities disappear-your basis for love is over. The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.

That is a lot to swallow isn't it? I had to stop and really think about this one. I know that if someone were to ask me why I love my husband I would list off things about his character and things he does for me and our family. But is that the extent of it?

I love my husband. With everything I have in me I love him. There is no doubt of that in my mind or in his. But...what if everything about him were to change? Would I continue to love him? Would you be able to?

"If your marriage totally depends on having common interests or enjoying a healthy sex life, then the foundation of your relationship is unstable. Agape love on the other hand, is selfless and unconditional. So unless this kind of love forms the foundation of your marriage, the wet and tear of time will destroy it. Agape love is 'in sickness and health' love, 'for richer or poorer' love, 'for better or worse' love. It is the only kind of love is true love. That's because this is God's kind of love. He doesn't love us because we are lovable but because He is so loving."

"But you will struggle and fail to attain this kind of marriage unless you allow God to begin growing His love within you. Love that 'bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things' (1 Corinthians 13:7) does not come from within. It can only come from God. And don't be surprise, when your spouse begins living confidently under it's shade, if he or she doesn't become even more lovable to you than you remember. You will no longer say 'I love you because...' You will now say, 'I love you period.' "

So take some time today, find something you can do for your spouse, that shows them you love them. Find a way to show them that Agape love. If you are at a place in your marriage that you don't feel the Agape love for them, take the time to pray for your spouse and ask Jesus to help you grow that love inside of you. If Jesus is in you, His love is in you, and His love is Agape love.

Day 9

Day 9 (Feb 9) "Love makes good impressions" 1 Pet. 5:14
You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another. You can see it in their expression and countenance, as well as how they speak to each other. It is even more obvious by their physical contact. Work on greeting your husband "special" when he arrives home from work!


Day 9 challenge is...Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

Has your spouse ever walked in the door and been hit with a wave of your emotions and frustrations from the day? I know my husband sure has! There have been days when the kids were crazy all day and as soon as Colby walked in the door I threw all their craziness on him. He barely had a chance to say hi before he was hit with stress and problems I expected him to solve.

Can I ask you something? Would you want to come home to that?

He could have had a wonderful day and within those first two minuets home, it was all shot down.

However, what if I you and I change how we greet them? Can you imagine the difference?

Here are a couple of quotes from todays dare in The Love Dare...

"Consider the difference it would make in your spouse's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them. When someone communicates that they are glad to see you, your personal sense of self-worth increases. You feel more important and valued. That's because a good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interaction."

"Think of the opportunities you have to greet each other on a regular basis....It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic every time. But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate's heart in subtle unspoken ways. Think about your greeting. Do you use it well? Does your spouse feel valued and appreciated? Do they feel loved? Even when you're not getting along too well, you can lessen the tension and give them value by the way you greet them. Remember, love is a choice. So choose to change your greeting. Choose to love."

Day 8

Day 8 (Feb 8) "Love is not jealous" Song of Sol. 8:6
If you're not careful, jealousy slithers like a viper into your heart and strikes your motivations and relationships. It can poison you from living the life of love God intended.

Day 8 challenge is...Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set you heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Jealousy. Such a simple word and yet, it's so very powerful. Every single person has been jealous of someone else at some point. It's a part of life and something that we all struggle from. But did you know that there is actually a good kind of jealousy? this quote is from Day 8 in The Love Dare book and I just had to share it. "There are actually two forms (of jealousy): a legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy. Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else."

Having seen that definition take a step back and look at your marriage with a new perspective. Is there anything in your life that your spouse has a legitimate reason to be jealous of?

A couple of weeks ago Colby and I got into a...discussion, if you will...ok, it was a fight. He said I was spending too much time on my computer and texting with my friends. He dared to say that when we were sitting together watching tv I wasn't even really there with him because I always had my computer on my lap. Or we'd be having a conversation and I would be texting while he was talking to me. I of course got very upset! I mean, how dare he accuse me of not paying attention to him! I would never actually do that! But you know what? I was doing exactly that.

It took a little while for me to calm down and get control of my anger but once I did I saw that he was right. I had started taking my focus off of my husband and putting it into something inconsequential, like facebook.

My husband had every right to become upset and grow jealous. I had done exactly what the book said, I had slowly and without meaning to, begun to turn my heart away from him and put it into my activities on the computer. Now don't get me wrong, the things I was doing on the computer were not bad. I don't want anyone to think that I was doing anything I shouldn't have been doing on the computer. It was the amount of time I was spending on there that was the problem.

Is there anything that you have started putting your time and your heart into that is causing your spouse and your marriage to suffer? If so, pray about it first. Bringing Jesus into the problem with always create a solution! But after praying about it, go to your spouse. Admit to them where you've been wrong. It can be so hard to do that but it is necessary! Then, apologize for giving them reason to be jealous and begin to change. A learned behavior is not something that will change overnight, it will take time and a conscious effort to change.

There are still evenings we will sit down to watch a movie and my first instinct is to reach over and grab my computer. There are still times my husband and I are having a conversation and I get a text and want to instantly check it while he is still talking to me. And there are still times I do both of those things. It is still something I am working on every day to improve.

Do not expect perfection over night! It won't happen. But don't give up and keep working towards giving your spouse nothing to be jealous of.

Now for the other kind of jealousy. The ugly kind. Have you ever been jealous of your spouse? I sure have! I am a stay at home mom and I absolutely love it. But, I will say there have been times that I was very jealous that my husband got to get out of the house every day! He actually got to go out and talk to other adults! He didn't have to change a single dirty diaper that day. He didn't have to wash any dishes or fold any laundry all day.

Every one of these thoughts, if dwelt on, is poison to yourself and to your marriage!

It can be so easy to see the job your spouse does as better than yours, whatever career you may be in. You can see it as more important and more grand than what your doing. Or you can see it as easier and less stressful than your job. As a stay at home mom especially it can be such a challenge to stay on top of these thoughts.

When I finally talked to my husband about this you know what I found out? He was actually jealous of me! I found out that he actually wished he could be the one staying home with our kids every day. He thought I had things so much better by being able to be there with the kids and see everything they do each day! I was shocked!

We both ended up having to reign in our feelings on this and get control of our jealousy.

So along with the challenge for today, I want to add a little bit to it. Take a long and hard look at yourself and your marriage. Are there any areas that you are jealous of your spouse? Are there any areas you are giving your spouse a reason to be jealous of you and your time? Spend some time in prayer about these areas and discuss them with your spouse.

It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your mates successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

This post is linked up to the Titus 2sday linkup, Raising Homemakers linkup and the Women Living Well linkup.

Day 5

Day 5 (Feb 5) "Love is not rude" Proverbs 27:14
How does your husband feel about the way you speak and act around him? How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem? Would your husband say you're a blessing or that you're condescending and embarrassing?

Day 5 challenge is..."Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable to irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."

Wow. Now we're getting into the really challenging challenges! When was the last time you asked your spouse something like this? Have you ever?

I have occasionally asked Colby something like this and let me tell you, his answers are not always easy. Every time I ask him I always picture him saying something to the effect of "Oh darling, you know you're perfect to me! There isn't anything I would change about you!" HA! I don't know why I ever expect an answer like that and yet, most times I do. He is always very sweet in his answers and has never used that as an opportunity to tear me apart (thank goodness!) but it's still never easy to hear that your spouse doesn't like something about you or something you're doing.

I also have to caution you in how you ask your spouse. Questions like this can put your spouse, husbands especially, on guard. He or she may very well feel like this is a set up! You're probably going to have to give some reassurance that you really will not jump all over them when they give you honest answers and it may be a little like pulling teeth to get some honest answers out of them. But it really is worth it in the end. I promise!!

Now remember "You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior." Just thought i'd add that last part in there one more time. :o)

Day 3 and 4

So sorry I missed posting yesterday! I left the house at 11:00 and didn't get back home until after 6:00. Crazy busy day! So since I missed posting yesterday I decided to just post both days in one. You ready?

Day 3 (Feb 3) "Love is not selfish" Rom. 12:10

One ironic aspect of selfishness is that even generous actions can be selfish if the motive is to gain bragging rights or receive a reward. If you do even a good thing to deceitfully manipulate your husband, you are still being selfish. The bottom line is that you either make decisions out of love for others or love for yourself.

The challenge for day 3 is..."Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says 'I was thinking of you today.' "

Personal confession time...I did horrible yesterday!! I did buy something for my hubby (his favorite coke and a biti pie) but I did not refrain from negative comments. I had a rough time with the kids after picking my son up from school and buy the time Colby got off work I allowed my self to completely throw all my frustration and exhaustion at him. Just a heads up, it doesn't matter what sweet thing you buy for your spouse when you don't add the "restraining from negative comments" part!

So today, i'm at it again! Even when you fail...yes when...not if...you just have to wake up the next day and start from scratch. Don't let it get you down and make you give up. Just start right where you are and keep going forward.

Now, onto day 4.

Day 4 (Feb 4) "Love is thoughtful" Psalm 139:17-18
When was the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? What immediate need can you meet? What's the next even you could be preparing for? Great marriages come from great thinking.

The challenge for day 4 is..."Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could to for them."

This challenge for me personally isn't a huge challenge. My husband and I both call each other off and on throughout most days while he is at work. But if this is not something you normally do with your spouse, be prepared for a little curiosity from them when you call. Anything out of the ordinary can cause suspicion sometimes so remember, keep yourself kind and refrain from those negative comments!

Since this particular challenge isn't a difficult one for me, i'm focusing on my comments today. I'm determined to be positive towards my husband and greet him with joy at the end of the day!

So now, I need some comments! Anyone else joining in these challenges with me? If so, how are y'all doing on them?! How is your spouse taking it? Have they noticed anything different since you started this?

All too soon, the clock will strike midnight...

This is a note my husband Colby wrote on his facebook. It was so beautiful that I decided to steal it and post it here! :o)


All too soon, the clock will strike midnight...

I have three children. I love all of my children with everything I have. It is hard to explain to anyone who only has one child how this can be. When you only have one child you love them with your whole heart. In fact they so fill your heart, that you can't imagine having anymore love to give. But when you have another child, your love is not split, it is doubled. It's as if you suddenly have another heart to give. And I think anyone who has multiple children would testify to this.

Having established that fact, I would like to take a minute to talk about just one of my children: My middle daughter Lexi. I have been accused (by certain parties who shall remain unnamed) of playing favorites with her and being softer on her than I am the others. While the jury is still out on this matter, I will say that none of them can melt my heart the way she can. One of our favorite things to do is dance to Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella". She puts on her Cinderella dress-up outfit, I pick her up, and we do our best waltz to these words "So I'll dance with Cinderella, while she is here in my arms. Because I know something the prince never knew. Yes I'll dance with Cinderella. I don't want to miss even one song. Because all to soon the clock will strike midnight...and she'll be gone." There are many things in my life I would like to forget. But there are some things I hope never to forget. These moments when she is "daddy's little girl" are some of the moments I cling to, desperate to remember them through senility and old age.

We spent yesterday evening at Wonderland Park. Since Konner had his favorite cousin there, and Jamie had her sister to ride the rides with her that I could not handle, me and Lexi spent a great deal of time just the two of us (a privilege I happily accepted). We rode the ferris wheel with Jamie's Dad and Grandmother, and I let her bury her face in my shirt when she decided it was scary. She rode the cars, well, only the pink one. She rode the ponies and I stood by her, then switched her to another pony when she decided she needed "to hold on to that thingy (the reigns)", and then rode on a pony with roses in it's hair when she decided I needed to ride next to her. One of the last things she wanted to do was ride the Frog Hopper again. We made it in line as they were about to close it down, and they agreed to allow one more ride. As the ride began to rise, and then bounce downward repeatedly, Lexi started giggling. As she did I was reminded of a speech from (of all things) the sitcom "Friends", as a man who's girlfriend broke up with him tries to re-win her affections with these words: "If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time, I never would have stopped." So there I stood, drinking in every individual laugh. Memorizing them. Saving them away for the day when that sound no longer fills my house, and purposing to treasure every time that I am fortunate enough to hear her call me "Daddy"

You see, I decided a long time ago that I will be the dad who is at every recital, every softball game, and every rock concert (even if it is only in our garage). I will kiss every owie, I will drink every cup of tea, I will dry every tear, I will return every hug, and I will try with every breath to be worthy of the gift God has given me. The gift called fatherhood. I will love them, I will protect them, and I will be there. I will teach them the great lessons of life someday. But for now, as the little moments of life go flying by, I will put my burdens aside to enjoy a simple living room waltz. And I will not miss even one song.

-Colby

6 years ago...

Tomorrow is mine and Colby's six year anniversary. I wanted to sit down and write this beautiful, poetic, tear-jerker post but just couldn't figure out how to write exactly what I wanted to say. So I went back though some old pictures of the two of us and ended up smiling as I relived so many memories! I remember the day we got married so well, it wasn't your typical wedding day at all. It was just the two of us in a tiny little office at the courthouse, I don't even have a picture of me in the dress I wore! We didn't have all the normal wedding day stuff, the hours of make-up and hair styling. We didn't have all the tears as all the girls got ready and as my parents prepared for me to join another family. I never wore the big beautiful dress I bought, or carried the bouquet of flowers my mother and I spent hours working on. We didn't have a photographer there to capture every moment or get every configuration of family grouping you could imagine. To be honest, we didn't even have great odds that this thing called "marriage" would even last! But we did have something even better than all those things...we had love.

Neither of us knew what the next few years of life would look like, we had no idea of the highs we'd reach or the very, very lows we'd hit. We had no clue that by our fifth anniversary we'd have three young children running around our house calling out "mommy" and "daddy" all day long! We didn't know what it really took to be married. But even when we weren't quite sure if it was still there, we had love.

Looking back, I don't know if anyone actually thought we'd make it. I don't even think we always believed we would! I'm sure when we reached our first anniversary most of the people in our lives were a bit shocked! And again at our second anniversary! Hopefully by now the shock has worn off though! :o) And while a big part of what kept us together was pure, raw, untempered stubbornness, the bigger part was love.

See, through everything, all the up's and down's, the good the bad and the ugly, that's one thing we've not lost. I can honestly say, I still love that man, with everything in me, to the deep down core of my being I love him! I love him more now than I did when I married him. I lay down every night, snuggle up next to him and breath a sigh of thankfulness that i'm his wife. I'm so thankful that he is the father of my children, they may not fully understand until their older but they are truly blessed to be able to call him "Daddy".

I love you Colby. Thank you for giving me the privilege of being your wife! We've had some amazing times together and some truly heart breaking times, but through it all you've stood by me and loved me with a love I didn't know was possible. I look forward to many, many more years together watching our children grow and growing ourselves and I can't wait to see what the rest of life brings! Happy Anniversary!!

So tired!

Yesterday I woke up feeling sooooo tired! I haven't been that tired in a really long time! I'd been up sick the night before for a couple hours so i'm guessing that was the reason for my lack on energy. But gosh, it was bad! I had trouble walking from one room to the other. I got no house work done at all. The kids pretty much played on their own for most of the day and I really did very little. It was crazy! But for some reason after giving the kids their baths and putting them to bed about 9:30 last night I suddenly got enough energy to clean the kitchen, including sweeping and mopping, as well as cleaning the whole living room! Not sure where that came from! :o)

This morning I decided I wasn't even going to give myself the opportunity to be tired. I woke up and 7:00 and took a shower, made coffee and got going with my day. The kids took their bath last night so they're already dressed and everything. Plus the house is already clean-for now-since I did it all last night. It's awesome! I'm really not a lazy person, please don't get that impression but for some reason I just had trouble moving yesterday!

But I have to say, Colby was awesome about the whole thing! When I told him I hadn't done much of anything all day his response was "Well good for you. You deserve to have a lazy lounging day now and then!" Seriously? How many husbands would tell their wife that?! He's awesome! He has never made me feel like I have to keep the kids and house looking spotless since i'm a stay at home mom. Whether I get everything done or nothing done he never treats me any different. I know of women who's husbands treat them just awful if they don't keep the house looking spotless at all times. I'm so glad Colby's not like that! This house is never spotless! :o) That may make me a bad stay at home mom but when you have a 1, 3 and 5 year old kids running around a tiny little house it's just not gonna happen! And I don't feel bad for it either! :o)

Another reason i've been so tired might be because i've been getting up way earlier than normal lately. My friend and I have been going walking every morning. We meet at either 6 or 6:30-in the morning!-and try to get in 4 miles every day. It's been awesome but I have never gotten up that early on a regular basis before so it does take some getting used to that's for sure! Plus her and I are starting a volleyball league tonight actually. We'll have practice 2 nights a week until the games start and them games and practices 1 night a week till July I think. I'm super excited but also a little nervous, I haven't played in years!! I played for 6 years in middle and high school but haven't really played since my Jr year. I've had 3 kids and gotten really out of shape since then so this should be quite interesting! :o)

Well it's time to get ready for much so I guess i'd better go. Enough sitting around for today I guess gotta get busy!! :o)

What will they remember?

I was looking over my facebook information the other day and noticed what i'd put under Job Description. I put, "I am a, chef, housekeeper, nurse, comedian, seamstress, entertainer, chauffeur, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a handy man, a maid, security, and a comforter. I don't get holiday, sick pay, or a day off, I work through the day and some of the night, I am under paid and over worked. But I must admit, I love every minute of it!!! :o)" I actually got this from someones status a while back but it so perfectly describes my days so I had to use it.

I've had a few conversations with Konner lately about the fact that I really do work. He sees his dad leave for work every day and hears us talking about his job and was convinced that since I didn't leave for work I didn't have a job. Thankfully my hubby stepped in and explained that Konner was in fact my job, along with his sisters. Taking care of them was part of my job, as well as cleaning the house and preparing meals for everyone. Konner brought it up a few times after that but was always given the same response and eventually it must have sunk in because we haven't heard anything about it in a few weeks.

But today as I re-read the description on my facebook I had to stop and ask myself if this really does describe my job as a mom. While I am all those things and while I do completely love being a mom there's just something off. Does everything in that short description cover everything? Is that all there is to me? Surely there's more to it, more to me, than that! When my kids grow up will they simply remember that I got them food and drinks when they needed them and I always had their clothes clean for them? Will they ever remember anything other than the things I did for them? Is that all there is?

When I was younger I wanted to and dreamed of the day I could make an impact on others. I was going to grow up, get a testimony-as every good little Christian does-and go out and change the world! That was my plan! But then I grew up and instead of making an impact I made some pretty stupid choices. Instead of going out and changing the world I had children and rarely do much outside of them. Instead of getting this great testimony I simply have stories of what NOT to do. That's it. Most of my plans changed, I ended up doing things I swore i'd never do and feeling very much like a failure. I didn't get the great testimony I dreamed of, I simply had stories of lots of hurt and shame.

Or did I get a testimony? Did I get something useful out of all those things? As for my dreams of making an impact, are those a complete failure? At first glance you might think so but if you'll take a closer look you'll see three very small children watching everything I do. You'll see a man who needs someone to lean on after a horrible day. You'll see a mother who looks forward to a phone call most days to simply say hi. You'll see a friend who takes morning walks and enjoys simply talking and laughing every day. You'll see a nursery full of children who need smiles on an early Sunday morning.

And what about the testimony I wanted? Well I will be the first to admit that I didn't get the one i'd dreamed of but I sure did get a testimony! I've thought a lot-and even blogged about-all the things I dreamed of and wanted to do and honestly not a lot of them have happened. I'm at a different place in life than I really thought i'd be but even here I have the opportunity to make an impact, to change lives. My days really aren't just about getting cups and changing diapers-although there are plenty of days that's all it feels like! :o) My days are about teaching, training, loving, comforting, guiding and many many other things. It may seem insignificant to many many people, and honestly it does feel that way some times, but it truly is so important.

I'm not impacting the people i'd imagined but the ones i'm impacting are so important. They are my family. The difference i'm making in their lives makes everything I do worth it. When they're older, my children will remember more than the silly insignificant things I do. My husband will remember more than the fact that at any given time I know where pretty much anything he needs is. My mom will remember more than the trouble I gave her as a child. They will remember the love, the comfort, the support, the compassion and even some of the cooking i'm sure! :o) When I look at it that way I really am ok with my job description. It really doesn't feel unimportant anymore. In fact, I think it is one of the most important jobs in the world! I am a wife. A mom. A daughter. A friend. I am simply me.