Saturday, August 21, 2010

Not ready for Monday

Well it's here. Somehow this time has come. I was never asked for permission nor did I ever offer it willingly and yet came. In just one more short day Konner will start school. It's so hard putting what i'm feeling into words, the emotions are all over the place. One minuet i'm thrilled to death and can't wait for him to start and in the very next breath, i'm in tears. We've known about this for months. We've planned and talked about this since January and yet somehow it still managed to sneak up on me.

I was talking to some friends about this yesterday because i've been a little bit surprised at how hard i'm taking this. One of the girls told me that something she's noticed in her friends is, mothers who's whole world revolves around their kids seem to have the hardest time with these kinds of situations. When she said that, I realized that's been my problem! For 5 years i've been a mom. That one word defines me. Yes i'm a wife and I pour everything I am into that role as well but having young children has just consumed me and been my complete focus for 5 years.

I've been there to see every hurt. I've been there to hear every laugh. I've been there to see every new thing he's learned. Now I won't be. He will be gone for 8 hours every day. I know it sound stupid but that's so hard for me!

For 5 years i've spent my days getting cups and snacks and sorting through sibling arguments. Those days are now coming to an end. I realized as I got Konner a cup yesterday, I won't be doing that all day anymore. It seems so small but yet it hit me so hard! I've dreamed of the day where sippy cups didn't take up the majority of my day and for Konner, that day has come. Now that it's here I know i'm going to miss it.

Yesterday I made a conscious effort to savor every moment. Yesterday was our last normal weekday for the four of us. Starting Monday we will begin a new normal and while i'm so thrilled about all the new things to come, i'm doing everything I can to enjoy these last few days.

Karen Kingsbury wrote a children's book some time ago titled "Let me hold you longer". In it she talks about how we as parents look so forward to each "first" our child experiences and yet never stop to savor each "last" as well. So over these last few days i've been trying to stop and notice as well as savor each "last" with Konner. For some reason come Monday, he won't have aged any and yet somehow, he'll be so much older! I'm sure i'll post again sometime early next week to talk about his first day or first few days at school so for now, i'll leave you with the words of "Let me hold you longer"...

Let Me Hold You Longer

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts,
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts…

The last time that I held a bottle
to your baby lips
The last time that I lifted you
and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying,
needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket,
wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you’d marry
me when you grew old.

Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past-
Would I have held on longer if
I’d known they were your last?

Our last adventure to the park,
your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite
faded baseball cap.

Your last few hours of kindergarten,
those last few days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League,
last colored picture made.

I never said good-bye to all
your yesterdays long passed.
So what about tomorrow-
will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you catch a frog
in that old backyard pond.
The last time that you run barefoot
across our fresh-cut lawn.

Silly, scattered images
will represent your past.
I keep on taking pictures,
never quite sure of your lasts…

The last time that I comb your hair
or stop a pillow fight.
The last time that I pray with you
and tuck you in at night.

The last time when we cuddle
with a book, just me and you
The last time you jump in our bed
and sleep between us two.

The last piano lesson,
last vacation to the lake.
Your last few weeks of middle school,
last soccer goal you make.

I look ahead and dream of days
that haven’t come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss
today’s sweet, precious lasts…

The last time that I help you with
a math or spelling test.
The last time when I shout that yes,
your room is still a mess.

The last time that you need me for
a ride from here to there.
The last time that you spend the night
with your old tattered bear.

My life keeps moving faster,
stealing precious days that pass,
I want to hold on longer-
want to recognize your lasts…

The last time that you need my help
with details of a dance.
The last time that you ask me for
advice about romance.

The last time that you talk to me
about your hopes and dreams.
The last time that you wear a jersey
for your high school team.

I’ve watched you grow and barely noticed
seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time,
I’d hold on to your lasts.

For come some bright fall morning,
you’ll be going far away.
College life will beckon
in a brilliant sort of way.

One last hug, one last good-bye,
one quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand
just how much you’ll be missed.

I’ll watch you leave and think how fast
our time together passed.
Let me hold on longer, God,
to every precious last.


AHadley said...

great post :)

Jon, Brianne & Kaylee Hanson said...

I hope tomorrow goes smoothly for everyone at home and for Konner at school. We are so proud of him, and happy for him!! I know this will be a hard day for you tomorrow, but he will enjoy it. ***HUGE HUGS*** on the big day!!!

Anonymous said...

I loved being there to see Konner as he ended his first day of school.
He was holding his head up as we hugged him and carried on about how proud we are of him. About the time we approached the car, his eyes watered, he gave a look one would give after coming off stage after facing a huge crowd: relief and shock. He was shocked at how LONG his first day was. He just didn't know it would last that long! He leaned into me for a good hug and my whole being was moved for him!
Solomon tells us that the man who works hard sleeps well/ his sleep is sweet (Eccl. 5:12). I find this to be true for Konner and Ocean now that they are in school.
A few weeks ago, on one of our Friday nights together, as we were going to bed, he asked for a drink and a few chips (I had offered it to the kids, because I had realized they had played hard and never really stopped for a snack). Before I got back he was sound asleep.
I kissed his little forehead and tucked him in. He never moved.
What a joy it is to get to be a part of his "firsts" and "lasts" :)