This is my first Fun Friday post and i'm super excited! About a week ago I asked my readers if there was anything specific they would like to read about on here. The purpose of this blog is to have a place you can come and find something real and relevant to your life, so what better way to do that than ask for your thoughts?!
The first comment I received was from an anonymous reader who said "Sex is always a great topic. I love Christian blogs that are open and straight forward about sex, instead of treating it like some taboo subject Christians shouldn't even think about." Wouldn't you know this would be the first thing I get to talk about! :o)
First of all I need to say that everything I say on this subject will only be directed to those already married. Sex outside of marriage is wrong and I want no part in encouraging or teaching anyone who is not married to have a good sex life. Having said that, I may blush while writing this and you may blush while reading this but let's dive right in...
In most Christian circles sex is viewed as an "off limits" subject. It is done in private so it should not be talked about in public right? Wrong! Like almost every other part of marriage, sex is not something that you are great at the day you get married and you can very quickly develop problems. If you need to learn how to communicate effectively, wouldn't it make sense that you would also need to learn how to have a great and effective sex life?
When you get married, you walk in with all kinds of expectations, and regardless of your background you have some kind of expectation of what your sex life will be like. Most men assume that they will be having sex several times a week and most women assume it will happen every once in a while and you'll spend much more time just cuddling. Then when expectations are not met there are problems and hurt feelings, as there are in any area of marriage when expectations are not met. So lets break this down and talk about his needs and her needs.
First off, guys need sex. Period. God created them this way and no woman should ever make her husband feel bad or perverted for wanting it. I think in most marriages, women say no to their husbands far more often than yes. Your marriage may not start out that way but after a few years "no" becomes you most used word. You can do so much harm to your husband and your marriage when you constantly turn him down and push him away. Instead of saying "Not tonight" learn to say "Why not tonight?". Men think about sex often, they just do, it's their comfort food. Girls, how often do you think about chocolate or potato chips? The more stressed your day is, the more you think about that comfort food right? Well guys think about their comfort food, it's just different from yours. Thinking about sex with you is no more wrong, weird or gross than you thinking about chocolate!
Guys also need you to be an active participant, just being there is not enough. No man wants to feel like his wife is with him out of obligation. Girls, when you want to talk to your husband but it feels like pulling teeth to get him to communicate, it takes so much joy out of it and it's not worth it right? That's how it is for guys. If you make sex something he has to jump through hoops to get, it takes so much out of it. Sex should not be something you dangle in front of him to get him to do what you want, and unless he performs tasks A, B and C he won't get it. That is manipulation which is a form of witchcraft and it has no place in your marriage!
Now guys, look at some things that girls need when it comes to sex. While it it true that most women do not have the sex drive most men have, they do still have needs when it comes to that. For your wife, sex is about much more than intercourse, it is about intimacy. Without intimacy it can be very difficult for a woman to have and enjoy a healthy sex life. Now, look at the definition of the word intimacy, "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person". Did you see the word "sex" anywhere in that definition? Nope, neither did I. Fact is, intimacy does not mean sex. Sounds complicated doesn't it? Well remember, you are still dealing with a woman. :o) Let me try to explain it the best I can...
Intimacy for a woman is very plainly, a closeness. Your wife wants to feel close to you, closer in fact than any other person in the world. She wants to know everything about you and have you know everything about her. She wants you to be able to sense what she is feeling and desiring at all times. Now while it is not realistic for you to know those things at all times, with true study of her you can get to be pretty good at it. And i'll be very honest with you, without that true intimacy outside of the bedroom it can be very difficult for a woman to be intimate with you in the bedroom.
Guys, you have to get involved in her life. You can not just show up at the end of your work day, plop yourself down on the couch and watch tv, hardly talk to her or your kids, be of no help to her in the house and expect her to go skipping into bed once you're ready. If you want a wife that is interested and active in bed, you have to be interested and active out of bed!
Also don't forget that sex is about meeting both of your physical needs. If it is always all about you, your wife will begin to lose interest in it and can even dread sex. When she dreads it, you will begin to hear "no" much more often. You have to learn what pleases your wife, explore a little (nothing that makes either of you uncomfortable). If you can figure out what it takes to please your wife I promise you, she will become a much more willing participant!
Ok I have to stop for now, but I have plenty more to say on this subject (including discussing the big O) so i'm going to continue this next week. Please feel free to leave comments about this post as well as any thoughts or questions you have for future Fun Friday post.
This post is linked up with Time Warp Wife. Far Above Rubies and Women Living Well.