Out of focus

Am I the only one to ever get things out of focus? So often I can get caught up on the unimportant things and forget to focus on the things that really matter. There are tons of examples I could give but i'm going to focus on one specific one that has been on my mind lately, my daughter Lexi.

Lexi...gosh, how to even start? I've talked a lot on here about my kids and most of the time when talking about Lexi i'll say something about her being strong willed. I have been so overwhelmed and almost bewildered with her because of this and can easily get caught up in a battle with her. But I have to say the biggest most prominent battle with her has been potty training. Now any parent of a young child can attest to the fact that this is a huge thing in the raising of your child! Parents of other children around the same age as yours will ask questions about when your kids were trained and other things like that. Believe me when I say, it can be quite embarrassing talking to a parent of a 2 year old who is already trained and admitting that your 4 year old still is not!

I have been working with Lexi on this for the past 2 years. We have tried everything you can think of to get this girl trained! We've tried rewards, discipline for accidents, panties only, pull-ups...and the list goes on and on. I have fought and laughed and rejoiced when it finally works and cried when she's had 10 accidents in one morning. She's had really good days and really, really bad days and I have to admit that my mood and our relationship can change on those bad days. We actually went to her dr this week to talk to him about it. I just needed to find out if there's anything I could be trying that i'm not. But he said she's perfectly normal and she'll do it when she's good and ready.

So I finally stopped and thought about everything, and I figured something out. I have been completely out of focus when it comes to her! I have spent so much time focusing on what she isn't doing and have completely missed what she is and has been doing. In the past few months my Lexi's personality has started changing. Now don't get me wrong, she can still dig her heels in on something and it takes quite a battle to get her to change. But on a whole, her personality has gotten sweeter, she minds quicker (most of the time), she adores Logyn and plays with her so well, and so many other wonderful things. I have spent so much time focusing on something that isn't even a personality trait. My job as a mom is to teach and train and shape her as a person. Where does potty training fall under those 3 things? It doesn't. Plan and simple! Yes, I would love for her to be trained and it still is hard to swallow my pride in my skills as a mother in this area but in no way does it change anything about my daughter. I know that she will not enter her teen years still in pull-ups so it's all good! haha

So I have decided to get back in focus and look at all the wonderful things that make up my little girl. This doesn't mean that I won't grow frustrated when accidents happen, I am still human after all! But I will stop making such a HUGE deal out of all of this. She will learn when she learns. Until then, i'm going to learn how to completely enjoy my daughter and remember that my job is so much more than just potty training her. Now excuse me while I go give her a great big hug! :o)

Holidays...and all that comes with it

Well it's almost Christmas and the little girl in me has been jumping up and down for weeks! I LOVE Christmas! There's just so much to love about it, the tree, the music, the yummy goodies you have an excuse to bake and yes, even the shopping is enjoyable (for the most part). Colby is not a fan of all the Christmas hoopla though so it does make for an interesting time. He absolutely hates Christmas music and can't stand the crowds in every store from the day after Thanksgiving until January. But he loves me lots and lots so he grits is teeth and bares through all of it. :o)

But as much as I love Christmas and Thanksgiving and all the holiday festivities there is always a touch of sadness to it. It's something I don't really talk about all that often but today it's pretty heavy on my mind so i'll allow myself to go there, only for a little while mind you and then it's back to all the joy of the season!

As a little girl Thanksgiving and Christmas were always pretty predictable. Our family, like most families, had traditions for both holidays. We always spent Thanksgiving at my Meme and Papa's house (my dad's parents in case you're wondering. :o) ) and had all the wonderful food that went with it. My Meme would make stuffing from a recipe that belongs to my great grandmother so you know it's good stuff and I would have my very own pan of it because I don't care for eggs. I would also have my own special pie every year. See I also don't like nuts but I loved pecan pie, I would just scrape the pecans off and eat all the yumminess under them. So my Meme started making me a pecan-less pecan pie! Sounds silly but it's oh so good! I was also teased mercilessly over beets each year. One year I thought they were cranberries and was sorely mistaken and my family never let me forget it! :o)

For Christmas, we always went to Hammon Oklahoma to see my great grandma. We would spend a few days there and it was always wonderful. My great grandma can cook better than anyone in this world and every one of her recipes consists of "a pinch of this" and "a dab of that" as most good recipes do. Her chocolate sheet cake is legendary in our family and she makes the best sausage gravy i've ever had! Every year she had tons of goodies made by the time we got there and most years they were all gone by the time we left. We always opened presents on Christmas Eve with all the Aunts, Uncles and cousins gathered around. After all the presents were opened we would do what every family does...wad up all the paper and have a wrapping paper fight of course! Doesn't your family do that? You should really try it sometime. It's simply awesome! My parents would always bring our stockings with us for Christmas morning so we'd have something to open when we first woke up since we weren't at home. Then most years we'd head home that afternoon and spend the evening doing our family Christmas together.

Both holidays have changed quite a bit since then. You see, my parents got divorced when I was 15 and since then both Thanksgiving and Christmas have never been the same. My last time I was in my great grandmothers house was the Christmas I was 13 because our family was quite a mess the next Christmas. I had no idea it would be the last Christmas i'd spend there. I wish I had known though, there's so much I would go back and do if i'd known. I would have walked all around her house more so I could remember every inch of it better. I would have stood in her kitchen longer watching her bake for her family and hanging on to all the wonderful laughter of all the family gathered around. I would say I would have eaten more of those yummy treats she made but i'm not sure I could have. :o) It's so hard to believe it's been 11 years since i've been to her house and had that "normal" Christmas.

And Thanksgiving changed quite a bit as well. I have actually not seen my dad on Thanksgiving since I was 14. My mother does still make me my own stuffing and pecan-less pecan pie every year so that part is the same. We do still have my great grandmother's stuffing every year and will probably always have that, just one of those recipe's that will be passed down. But to this day it's weird and very very hard not having my dad around on Thanksgiving. Hard to believe it's been 10 years since I spent that day with him. It's hard knowing he spends that day with another family and has made new traditions for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and sometimes that 14 year old girl that's still inside of me wishes I could go back to those days.

But just like my dad has built new traditions for these holidays, so have I. I guess that's just a part of life. You have to learn how to deal with the hard stuff and not let it ruin all the wonderful things. As hard as it is not spending Christmas at my great grandmothers house I still absolutely love Christmas. I love seeing my children's faces Christmas morning as they rush into the living room to start our morning.

I think that's why it's so important to remember why we celebrate these days. You see, Thanksgiving is not about the turkey and the stuffing. Although those are both wonderful and it would be very strange to have Thanksgiving without them, it's really about being thankful for everything we've been blessed with over the past year. It's about spending time with family laughing and building memories so that when things do change, you can still hold onto just a little bit of holidays past.

As for Christmas, we all know it's about celebrating Jesus' birthday. But it's so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the day without stopping to focus on Him. So as much as I love the old traditions, and as much as I miss waking up at my great grandmother's house on Christmas morning, I can still celebrate the day and completely enjoy every minuet of it. The holidays aren't here just for our traditions and all the food that comes with the days, although there's nothing wrong with either of those things. They are here to celebrate Jesus, to remind us of everything He's done for us. We get so caught up in what gifts we're going to buy and what all we're getting and we forget that the very first Christmas wasn't about getting at all. Jesus gave up heaven and all it's glory to come to this earth for us and that's what this day is all about.

So this year I challenge you, and I challenge myself, to be extra mindful of why we celebrate Christmas. Find a new way to thank Jesus for what all He did and all He gave up. If that's a new tradition with your kids that's awesome. I heard of an idea of a Jesus stocking. For the whole month of December you write down everything you do for Jesus and put it in the stocking. Then as a family you read what everyone's done for Jesus that month before you start on each others gifts. So whatever you do, take some extra time and effort to put the focus back on Him. After all, Jesus is the reson for the season. It's such an old saying but something worth remembering. Merry Christmas everyone!

Lexi's birthday

I posted Saturday that it was Lexi's birthday and talked all about my little girl turning 4. Well we had her party that afternoon, nothing fancy, just family but it was fun and she loved being in the spot light! Miss Pris just pranced around the whole time and ate up all the attention everyone gave her! :o)

I did make her cake again this year and it was quite a lot of work! I think it was actually more work than her cake last year! But I spent most of the week doing things for it when I could so that made it so much easier. She decided she wanted a Tinkerbell birthday so if course I made a Tinkerbell cake, although I just bought the toys to go on the cake. No way on earth was I going to try sculpting them!! haha! So anyways, I just had to post a few pics of the party. :o)

Here's the cake...




The birthday girl, not real sure why she looks like she's praying here! haha




And just a cute one of Logyn. :o)




Anyways, just had to post a few pics from the day. Now it's time to get ready for Logyn's birthday! :o)

4 years ago

4 years ago today my beautiful Lexi was born. From the beginning I should have known she was all drama! I went to the hospital for 4 different false alarms. Everyone of those times I could have sworn was "it" and a couple of them almost were, until she changed her mind and decided she was good to stay put a little while longer! But when she was finally born, my life changed. I thought she'd be a lot like her brother...I couldn't have been more wrong! I thought she'd be a little like me...I was right. I thought since she was a girl i'd know more of what I was doing and parent her better...I was wrong! I thought she'd be her daddy's little girl...I was very, very right!

Colby and I had the hardest time agreeing on a name for her before she was born. Early on I suggested Alexis and he didn't like it, he then suggested Ferrari and I said "NO"!!! :o) Then I fell in love with the name Harmony, it just seemed so perfect to me but Colby wasn't having it. He had finally decided he liked Alexis, so we agreed on Alexis Harmony. Then of course he thought she should be called Ali, and I thought she should be called Lexi. Seriously, all the arguing and back and forth, should have given me a hint at what life with this child would be like! :o) We never did agree on if she would be Ali or Lexi, she was born and she was just, Lexi! Harmony would have been absolutely the wrong name for her, i'm hoping since it is her middle name she will learn it at some point during her life! She is every bit, Lexi.

I have talked before about how she is my little drama queen, she's strong willed and she can be very difficult when she wants and while all of those are true, they don't completely make her up. The main things that describe her are simply, daughter and sister. She is only 4 after all, there's not much more in her life than being a daughter and sister! :o) But wow, she carries both of those roles so well. On my side bar I describe her as "Best friend to Konner and keeper of Daddy's heart". That describes my Lexi! As much as her and Konner can drive each other crazy, they really are the best of friends. As for her daddy, I don't think anything in this world melts his heart like that little girl! She truly is blessed to be able to call him "daddy".

So today, we get to celebrate the day she came into our lives and filled a hole we didn't even know was there. I love you my sweet Lexi! I hope you never doubt that and always know how much you mean to me. You fill my heart, you drive me crazy, you make me laugh, you are simply you. Don't ever change that! Happy Birthday my Lexi girl!

Today

Today is Monday. Normally I hate Mondays. The weekend is over and it's time to get back to the normal routine. Time to clean up the house after having taken some time off over the weekend. All in all, I just don't like Mondays. But, today has not been just any Monday. Today was a special Monday! Today I got to go eat lunch with Konner at school! His school is awesome about allowing parents and grandparents to come up for lunch or just during the day at any time to visit. So far I hadn't had the opportunity to go yet, it's kinda hard finding something to do with the girls while i'm gone for about an hour. But my mom offered to come watch the girls for me today so I could go up there with him.

I stopped and got him lunch which was really special because he normally eats the school lunches. But of course that made me run a few minuets late. *eye roll at myself for not leaving with more time!* I got there about 2 minuets late and the poor guy was already worried I wasn't coming! It broke my heart! I very rarely am not able to follow through on something I tell the kids i'm doing so i'm not sure why he thought I wouldn't be there. But the relief on his face when I walked in just about made me cry! *Yes, I am a very emotional person! :o)* So we sat down with several of his friends and had a great time eating and talking about his day. Of course the kids quickly moved on to talking about God vs. Incredible Hulk since they all said they had learned absolutely nothing all day! :o)

Then we went outside for recess and he showed me all around. We did the hula-hoops, basket ball, races and then just all the other little stuff they have. There were a bunch of kids out there and he was obviously friends with a lot of them. They all came up and asked who I was and talked to us and followed us around. It was so cute!

While I was watching him run around the play yard, race with his friends, and do all the other things he did, all I could think was "Take a mental picture!" I know it sounds silly to make such a big deal out of watching my son at recess but to me, it was huge. I know that the days of him being my five year old little boy are almost gone. The days of him turning to smile at me and make sure I see every basket he makes, they won't last forever. There will come a day when one of his friends asks who I am and he doesn't answer with such pride! haha I'm sure 10 years from now, my coming up to eat lunch with him won't be something he looks forward to for days. I want to do everything I can to hold on to these times. I want to remember every smile, every look, every single "That's my mommy!" because once again i'm reminded that these times go by all too soon.

There's an old saying, "A daughter's a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife." I remember looking at Konner just moments after he was born and I was reminded of that saying. One of my first thoughts was "18 years. I only have you all to myself for 18 years." That 18 has now moved to 13. All too soon it will be 12, and before I know it those 18 years will be gone.

So while my making a big deal out of something like going up to eat lunch with him might seem silly to some, to me, i'm simply making the most out of every single opportunity. Because I know that very very soon, these opportunities will be gone. But for now, my little boy still loves to be my little boy. So i'll take advantage of every single moment that I can and store up as many mental pictures as possible!

What to talk about

I have sat down so many times to try and post, but every single time my mind has been running in a thousand directions. So far I haven't been able to actually focus on a single topic so I just haven't posted. I've gone from wanting to talk about just every day stuff, to more serious specific topics. So for now I just decided to go with a general update and save the specific topics for another post.

Konner is now in his third month of school and he's doing amazing! The first month was very hard. He would go and have a great day, but at the end of the day when it was time to go home he would tell me every day how much he didn't like school and really didn't want to go back. I think it was very very hard for him to get used to being gone all day every day. But starting out I knew we needed to give it a full month before looking into it deeper and sure enough, that's exactly what it took. Almost 1 month to the day was all all it took! He now absolutely loves school and is always so excited to go, he has such a great time and is really enjoying learning everything. He is reading now too which is just such a proud thing for a parent to see! I talked to his teacher-who is absolutely amazing-a few weeks ago to see if he was behind at all. This school actually starts in all day Pre-K and he hadn't gone last year so I was worried that he would be behind most of the other kids. But she said he's not behind at all and learns things and picks up on things very quickly. I had to tell her that he gets all of that from his dad! :o) That's one thing I absolutely can not take any credit for! But that's just fine with me!

We are getting ready for Lexi's 4th birthday in just over a week. I can't believe she's already going to be four! Every birthday just seems so weird to me. I don't exactly remember allowing my children to grow up! I know that they're not exactly grown yet but everyday they just get closer and closer, doesn't get any easier to watch either! Lexi is doing great though, her and Logyn are getting super close now that they're getting so much time together while Konner is in school. We are still, yes STILL, working on potty training that girl! Such a weird and hard thing to admit as a mother! We have been working hard on this for over a year and are starting to get closer to it. She is finally out of pull-ups on a regular basis, now mostly just for naps and bedtime but accidents are still a fairly common thing. I know, a lot of people say to never even use pull-ups and maybe that's something we should have done to begin with. But I will say, after cleaning up so many accidents, those things were a life saver! Lexi is a very strong willed little girl and I honestly think that's why it is taking her so long to get trained. She has such a hard time doing anything that she doesn't want to do or doesn't care about doing and that's been the biggest problem. But I do think we are getting close and she is for the most part trained. I will however hold the fact that she wasn't trained till she was 4 over her head for the rest of her life! My payment for changing so many diapers and pull-ups!!! :o)

Logyn...what can I possible say about my Logyn that hasn't been said. She isn't even 2 after all so there couldn't possibly be much to say about her right? Not hardly! That little girl absolutely completes our family! She is the perfect mix of her brother and sister and yet somehow is absolutely her own person with her very own personality. Colby and I have talked quite a lot about before she was born. I had felt for quite sometime like someone was missing. It was so hard to explain because it wasn't like someone had been there and left so to a point it just didn't make any sense. Plus Colby didn't feel it at all! We had a little boy and a little girl, all we needed was a golden retriever and we'd be the perfect american family! But for over a year I absolutely knew someone was missing. I never thought Colby would ever change his mind about having another baby and I tried and prayed so hard to be ok with that. Colby did end up changing his mind and we have been so blessed every day since she was born-although Colby has admitted to having some doubts the first night home with her when she kept us up till 4am screaming! :o) She is just such an amazing kid and brings out the best in all of us...most of the time. Konner's not too fond of her when she's stealing his sun glasses, and Lexi isn't thrilled when Logyn eats her food when she's not looking! But other than those times, she's amazing!

All in all, I love my little family. There are times they drive me absolutely crazy, and they may be young but they can fight with the best of them! But I really can't picture not having the three of them running around here. It seems like life would be so dull and somewhat pointless without them. I am so thankful to be their mother and to have the wonderfully challenging job of raising them!

I guess i'll stop here, it's gone from an update to sappy so that's always a good time to stop! :o) Wonder what i'll talk about next time...

Bad Mommy Moment

Anyone else ever had one of those? 10? Maybe you've lost count?! I've been a mother for 5 years and let me tell you, i've had more bad mommy moments than I can even count! There have been small moments and there have been rather large moments. Some long term, some short term. For example, i've never read a bedtime story to my kids every night. I've done it here and there but not every night. Bad mommy moment! I hate cooking with my daughter, i'm a bit of a mico-manager and have such a hard time when things aren't done exactly right. Another bad mommy moment. I have in fact allowed the kids to go to bed without brushing their teeth before. I know, the horror!!! Hard to believe huh?! I have used my tv to babysit more times than I should have. I have also yelled at my kids, it's horrible and should never be done. But yet, i've done it on more than one occasion. Major bad mommy moment! I don't know if any other mom's have had such bad mommy moments, I tell myself of course you all have. I just can't handle the fact that i'm the worst mother out there!!! :o)

But what about those lifetime bad mommy choices? Anyone ever made one of those? This year we put Konner in school, it was such a hard choice for us to make and we went back and forth on it for such a long time. We had always planned on homeschooling our children, after all, both my husband and I were home schooled so what other choice was there really?! But after a LOT of talking, thinking and praying about it we decided to put him in a public school.

Today he started his fifth week in school and over the weekend I started wondering if we made the right choice. He still has days were he says he doesn't like school and just begs us to not make him go. Nothing will pull at your heart strings more than that let me tell you!!! Plus the plan was always to home school right?! Why did I change that?! Am I damaging him for life with this decision? Was this the best choice for him? Would it have been better to keep him home? So many questions!

But last night I re-read a post on one of my favorite blogs. This post was about all the ways that we are homeschooling our children regardless of where they go to school. I couldn't even summarize her post so you just have to read it for yourself HERE. It's amazing, trust me!! :o)

So after reading that last night I was reminded of why we chose this route for our family in the first place. I remembered all the great opportunities Konner will have here. I think i'll always have the a reason to second guess myself no matter what the situation is. That's something i'm just going to have to figure out myself but the schooling issue has been settled for me once again. I believe this was the best decision for Konner and for the girls as they get older and i'm so thankful that for that blog post. It was the perfect read at the perfect time!

Now if I could just figure out how to fix all those other bad mommy moments!!! :o)

Do you scrapbook?

I love scrapbooking! It's probably one of my very favorite things to do, although I have to admit that I just don't get to do it very often. But I found a website with some pretty cool layouts called Scrappin Daisy Designs so of course I have to share it with everyone on my blog! If you get a chance you'll have to go check it out HERE plus I added a button for them on here as well. This way you can get to it very easily! Enjoy!! :o)

Can you feel it?

It's coming! Very soon it will be here. Do you know what it is? Can you guess? Are you just dying to know? Ok i'll tell you...no really, here it comes. Fall. Such a small word, so simple and yet, there's such comfort in it. There are just so many wonderful things about this season. There's the colors, the way everything changes into such beautiful browns and oranges. The "fall scent", you know you've smelt it! Thanksgiving. Enough said. But I think one of my very favorite things about Fall is simple, pumpkin. Again, a very simple thing but it's just so wonderful.

Pumpkin muffins. Pumpkin bread. Pumpkin spice latte's, from Starbucks of course! Pumpkin creamer that I have to admit I search for every time I go to Walmart from August until February. Pumpkin cinnamon rolls, which I am determined to master this year. And of course, pumpkin pie completely smothered in cool whip. Oh and in case you were wondering, no you can not use any brand other than cool whip! It's extremely important to remember that!

Of course since I am delighted that fall is so close you can feel it, I had to change the look of my blog! It makes me warm and fuzzy just looking at it. Now i'm off to drool and dream of all things pumpkin!!

By the way, what are your favorite things about Fall? Do you share my love of pumpkin or is this obsession specific only to me?!

Made it through Monday

Can you believe it? We survived Konner's first day of school, and even survived his second day!! Who knew we'd all actually make it! Let me tell you, leaving your 5 year old son in a big room full of people he doesn't know at all is so much harder than you'd ever imagine!

I had such a hard time going to sleep on Sunday, all I could think about was leaving my tiny little boy in that room by himself (and yes, he is still tiny!). I have not ever had to leave him anywhere other than a family members house and I was extremely nervous about it. But he was awesome!! I was so proud of him, to me he was absolutely the bravest little boy in the world!

A few days before I had asked him what he wanted for breakfast. I told him this was a very special breakfast because it was his first day of school so I would make whatever he wanted. I listed several different things that I know he loves, breakfast casserole, pumpkin muffins, pancakes...anything he wanted. Out of all those options he picked Malt-O-Meal! Only Konner would ever pick Malt-O-Meal! :o) But he loved it and was so excited.



When we got to his school we took him into the Movement Room, found the row for his class and he sat right down. Colby snapped a few pictures, we gave him kiss-hug-and-bye (our routine before going anywhere) and that was it. He sat right down with the other kids and started watching Curious George until it was time to go to his class. Somehow he wasn't nervous at all. He didn't seem upset in the least that we were leaving him there. In fact the only thing that bothered him was that people kept walking in front of him so he couldn't see the tv. :o) I have no idea how he did so well, I would have been a nervous wreck.

(Right before we left the house)


(Watching Curious George)


I can't even begin to tell you how weird it was to have him gone all day. The house is so very quiet without him. The girls are very mellow when he's not here. And yes, it is weird to get only 2 cups instead of 3! Lexi had no idea what to do with him gone either. When it was time for lunch she actually didn't want to eat, she said she would wait to eat until Konner got home and went to lay down for her nap. She was so excited to see him when we picked him up!

As good as he did when we dropped him off, he had a very hard time when we picked him up! There was such relief on his face when he saw me standing there. As we walked back to the car I asked him all about his day and he broke down. He ended up just sobbing and telling me it was such a very long day. He asked me to please not bring him back. :o( I'm telling you, my heart broke right then! I knew I would have to take him back and I told him as much. He just hugged me and cried.

I felt like the worst mom in the world! How could I take him there every day and just leave him? I'm supposed to protect him and take care of him, that's my job! It's been hard enough just thinking about this experience but now it's here and he hates it?! I felt like my heart was breaking the whole way home.

On the way home I took him to get a chocolate coke from Sonic and he asked me if we could sit on the couch with a blanket when we got home. He said he wanted to have a long talk all about his day. Yet another heart breaking/melting moment. They came one after the other all day! :o) So of course we did sit and talk when we got home. As I started talking to him and asking him questions all about it he totally opened up and couldn't stop telling me all about it. Turns out he had a pretty good day, it was just very very long! That was such a relief!

Yesterday was even better, although he did say it was longer than the first day! :o) And i'm believing that each day will continue to improve! I've said for months now that I really think this is the best option for him and how much I think he'll enjoy it. It's just going to take a week or two to get him adjusted. It's good for me though, I spend a lot of the day praying for him that's for sure!

Anyways, I just had to share how everything went. It was hard and had some very sad moments but we all made it through and things are getting better and easier every day! :o)

Not ready for Monday

Well it's here. Somehow this time has come. I was never asked for permission nor did I ever offer it willingly and yet somehow..it came. In just one more short day Konner will start school. It's so hard putting what i'm feeling into words, the emotions are all over the place. One minuet i'm thrilled to death and can't wait for him to start and in the very next breath, i'm in tears. We've known about this for months. We've planned and talked about this since January and yet somehow it still managed to sneak up on me.

I was talking to some friends about this yesterday because i've been a little bit surprised at how hard i'm taking this. One of the girls told me that something she's noticed in her friends is, mothers who's whole world revolves around their kids seem to have the hardest time with these kinds of situations. When she said that, I realized that's been my problem! For 5 years i've been a mom. That one word defines me. Yes i'm a wife and I pour everything I am into that role as well but having young children has just consumed me and been my complete focus for 5 years.

I've been there to see every hurt. I've been there to hear every laugh. I've been there to see every new thing he's learned. Now I won't be. He will be gone for 8 hours every day. I know it sound stupid but that's so hard for me!

For 5 years i've spent my days getting cups and snacks and sorting through sibling arguments. Those days are now coming to an end. I realized as I got Konner a cup yesterday, I won't be doing that all day anymore. It seems so small but yet it hit me so hard! I've dreamed of the day where sippy cups didn't take up the majority of my day and for Konner, that day has come. Now that it's here I know i'm going to miss it.

Yesterday I made a conscious effort to savor every moment. Yesterday was our last normal weekday for the four of us. Starting Monday we will begin a new normal and while i'm so thrilled about all the new things to come, i'm doing everything I can to enjoy these last few days.

Karen Kingsbury wrote a children's book some time ago titled "Let me hold you longer". In it she talks about how we as parents look so forward to each "first" our child experiences and yet never stop to savor each "last" as well. So over these last few days i've been trying to stop and notice as well as savor each "last" with Konner. For some reason come Monday, he won't have aged any and yet somehow, he'll be so much older! I'm sure i'll post again sometime early next week to talk about his first day or first few days at school so for now, i'll leave you with the words of "Let me hold you longer"...


Let Me Hold You Longer

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts,
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts…

The last time that I held a bottle
to your baby lips
The last time that I lifted you
and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying,
needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket,
wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you’d marry
me when you grew old.

Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past-
Would I have held on longer if
I’d known they were your last?

Our last adventure to the park,
your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite
faded baseball cap.

Your last few hours of kindergarten,
those last few days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League,
last colored picture made.

I never said good-bye to all
your yesterdays long passed.
So what about tomorrow-
will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you catch a frog
in that old backyard pond.
The last time that you run barefoot
across our fresh-cut lawn.

Silly, scattered images
will represent your past.
I keep on taking pictures,
never quite sure of your lasts…

The last time that I comb your hair
or stop a pillow fight.
The last time that I pray with you
and tuck you in at night.

The last time when we cuddle
with a book, just me and you
The last time you jump in our bed
and sleep between us two.

The last piano lesson,
last vacation to the lake.
Your last few weeks of middle school,
last soccer goal you make.

I look ahead and dream of days
that haven’t come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss
today’s sweet, precious lasts…

The last time that I help you with
a math or spelling test.
The last time when I shout that yes,
your room is still a mess.

The last time that you need me for
a ride from here to there.
The last time that you spend the night
with your old tattered bear.

My life keeps moving faster,
stealing precious days that pass,
I want to hold on longer-
want to recognize your lasts…

The last time that you need my help
with details of a dance.
The last time that you ask me for
advice about romance.

The last time that you talk to me
about your hopes and dreams.
The last time that you wear a jersey
for your high school team.

I’ve watched you grow and barely noticed
seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time,
I’d hold on to your lasts.

For come some bright fall morning,
you’ll be going far away.
College life will beckon
in a brilliant sort of way.

One last hug, one last good-bye,
one quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand
just how much you’ll be missed.

I’ll watch you leave and think how fast
our time together passed.
Let me hold on longer, God,
to every precious last.

All too soon, the clock will strike midnight...

This is a note my husband Colby wrote on his facebook. It was so beautiful that I decided to steal it and post it here! :o)


All too soon, the clock will strike midnight...

I have three children. I love all of my children with everything I have. It is hard to explain to anyone who only has one child how this can be. When you only have one child you love them with your whole heart. In fact they so fill your heart, that you can't imagine having anymore love to give. But when you have another child, your love is not split, it is doubled. It's as if you suddenly have another heart to give. And I think anyone who has multiple children would testify to this.

Having established that fact, I would like to take a minute to talk about just one of my children: My middle daughter Lexi. I have been accused (by certain parties who shall remain unnamed) of playing favorites with her and being softer on her than I am the others. While the jury is still out on this matter, I will say that none of them can melt my heart the way she can. One of our favorite things to do is dance to Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella". She puts on her Cinderella dress-up outfit, I pick her up, and we do our best waltz to these words "So I'll dance with Cinderella, while she is here in my arms. Because I know something the prince never knew. Yes I'll dance with Cinderella. I don't want to miss even one song. Because all to soon the clock will strike midnight...and she'll be gone." There are many things in my life I would like to forget. But there are some things I hope never to forget. These moments when she is "daddy's little girl" are some of the moments I cling to, desperate to remember them through senility and old age.

We spent yesterday evening at Wonderland Park. Since Konner had his favorite cousin there, and Jamie had her sister to ride the rides with her that I could not handle, me and Lexi spent a great deal of time just the two of us (a privilege I happily accepted). We rode the ferris wheel with Jamie's Dad and Grandmother, and I let her bury her face in my shirt when she decided it was scary. She rode the cars, well, only the pink one. She rode the ponies and I stood by her, then switched her to another pony when she decided she needed "to hold on to that thingy (the reigns)", and then rode on a pony with roses in it's hair when she decided I needed to ride next to her. One of the last things she wanted to do was ride the Frog Hopper again. We made it in line as they were about to close it down, and they agreed to allow one more ride. As the ride began to rise, and then bounce downward repeatedly, Lexi started giggling. As she did I was reminded of a speech from (of all things) the sitcom "Friends", as a man who's girlfriend broke up with him tries to re-win her affections with these words: "If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time, I never would have stopped." So there I stood, drinking in every individual laugh. Memorizing them. Saving them away for the day when that sound no longer fills my house, and purposing to treasure every time that I am fortunate enough to hear her call me "Daddy"

You see, I decided a long time ago that I will be the dad who is at every recital, every softball game, and every rock concert (even if it is only in our garage). I will kiss every owie, I will drink every cup of tea, I will dry every tear, I will return every hug, and I will try with every breath to be worthy of the gift God has given me. The gift called fatherhood. I will love them, I will protect them, and I will be there. I will teach them the great lessons of life someday. But for now, as the little moments of life go flying by, I will put my burdens aside to enjoy a simple living room waltz. And I will not miss even one song.

-Colby

Young love...

We have some very good friends who happen to have a daughter almost Konner's age. She is an adorable little girl and from the very beginning Konner has been smitten!



Every time he sees her, or talks to her, or simply talks about her he gets this goofy little grin on his face.



They love playing together.



We are however still working on him being a gentleman and taking care of her instead of the other way around!



Although they're only 4 and 5 years old, it is extremely fun watching them play together chase each other around and simply enjoy childhood together!

6 years ago...

Tomorrow is mine and Colby's six year anniversary. I wanted to sit down and write this beautiful, poetic, tear-jerker post but just couldn't figure out how to write exactly what I wanted to say. So I went back though some old pictures of the two of us and ended up smiling as I relived so many memories! I remember the day we got married so well, it wasn't your typical wedding day at all. It was just the two of us in a tiny little office at the courthouse, I don't even have a picture of me in the dress I wore! We didn't have all the normal wedding day stuff, the hours of make-up and hair styling. We didn't have all the tears as all the girls got ready and as my parents prepared for me to join another family. I never wore the big beautiful dress I bought, or carried the bouquet of flowers my mother and I spent hours working on. We didn't have a photographer there to capture every moment or get every configuration of family grouping you could imagine. To be honest, we didn't even have great odds that this thing called "marriage" would even last! But we did have something even better than all those things...we had love.

Neither of us knew what the next few years of life would look like, we had no idea of the highs we'd reach or the very, very lows we'd hit. We had no clue that by our fifth anniversary we'd have three young children running around our house calling out "mommy" and "daddy" all day long! We didn't know what it really took to be married. But even when we weren't quite sure if it was still there, we had love.

Looking back, I don't know if anyone actually thought we'd make it. I don't even think we always believed we would! I'm sure when we reached our first anniversary most of the people in our lives were a bit shocked! And again at our second anniversary! Hopefully by now the shock has worn off though! :o) And while a big part of what kept us together was pure, raw, untempered stubbornness, the bigger part was love.

See, through everything, all the up's and down's, the good the bad and the ugly, that's one thing we've not lost. I can honestly say, I still love that man, with everything in me, to the deep down core of my being I love him! I love him more now than I did when I married him. I lay down every night, snuggle up next to him and breath a sigh of thankfulness that i'm his wife. I'm so thankful that he is the father of my children, they may not fully understand until their older but they are truly blessed to be able to call him "Daddy".

I love you Colby. Thank you for giving me the privilege of being your wife! We've had some amazing times together and some truly heart breaking times, but through it all you've stood by me and loved me with a love I didn't know was possible. I look forward to many, many more years together watching our children grow and growing ourselves and I can't wait to see what the rest of life brings! Happy Anniversary!!

Basic update

I haven't posted in awhile and the kids are all napping so i thought i'd give an update for all those that care! Of course not much is really going on so it may end up being a very boring update! :o)

The kids are all doing very well, continuing to grow like weeds even though they never actually got my permission to do that! Konner absolutely can't wait to go to school this fall, he talks about it to anyone who'll listen! I still can't believe he's old enough for school. I try to picture myself as the mother of a kindergärtner and it just seems so weird! Since I was home schooled most of my life I really have no idea what all parent's do. I keep thinking i'm going to go in there and be the most inexperienced mother the teacher's have ever seen! :o) But i'm sure everything will be ok, at the very least we'll figure it out as we go and i'll be more prepared for when Lexi goes next year! It will be very different around here with him gone all day though. I'm not sure how the girls will get used to it. I'm already planning on crying quite a bit the first few weeks at least! My sweet little boy is growing up! *sigh*

Lexi...ahh my Lexi! She is quite a handful honestly. I love her to death but that girl is drama! :o) I keep thinking that I couldn't have been that dramatic as a child but i've been told by my mom and sister that in fact I was. She makes me laugh so often with her dramatics, everything is the end of the world with her. When she has to clean up her toys it's just so hard. When she has to try to go potty it just never works. When she has to wait to eat she's starving to death. Everything is very dramatic! But I guess that's life with a little girl, or at least life with her for sure! Oh and yes, we're still potty training. She's 3 1/2 and still isn't trained. I know, i'm a bad mom! :o) Now it's not for lack of trying believe me!! We've done everything you can think of with her! Rewards when she goes, spankings when she doesn't. Keeping her in panties, keeping her in pull-ups. You name it we've tried it over the last 8 months or so! We're getting close though I think. If I put her in panties and remind her about every 30-45 minuets she can stay dry. So far she's not remembering to go by herself but that's ok, any progress at this point is awesome! :o)

Logyn is still my goofy girl! She spends the day discovering all the new little wonders around the house. It's hard to believe she's already 1 1/2. Just doesn't seem like it was that long ago she was born. Colby and I realized that in a very short time we'll be out of diapers and the baby stage for good. It's weird knowing that we aren't going to have anymore kids, no more babies around here learning how to roll over for the first time, or crawl or take their first step. As sad and hard as it is to believe this phase in my life is ending, i'm very excited to reach the next phase. I know babies. I know toddlers. Now i'm about to learn grade schoolers! Crazy! All of life seems to be different phases and the older I get the faster those phases go. I know i'm only 24 and really not very old at all but life already seems to just be flying by me! It's so hard to remember to take each experience, each day, each new thing and hold on to it. It won't be here long.

Anyways, that's just a quick update on the kids. Colby and I are about the same, nothing much changes with us. :o) Although we are doing some spring cleaning around here. We have way to much stuff in this tiny little house and i'm so tired of being cramped. Of course when you have 5 people living in a 2 bedroom things are gonna be a little tight. We moved Logyn in the kids room last week so now all 3 kids are in the same room and Colby and I finally have our room back which is just awesome! It makes for an interesting nap time for sure but other than that it's going great. I finally went though all the kids toys and stuffed animals-and let me tell you there were a LOT-yesterday and got about 5 bags total to get rid of. Thank goodness! Now their room with be much easier to clean and less cluttered for playing in. Now I just have to deal with bags in my living room until we have our garage sale in 2 weeks. After that the house should be nice and clutter free...at least that's my goal. :o) I was going to post before and after pics but I totally forgot to take the before pics. I may just post the afters anyways, we'll just have to see.

Well since the kids are still sleeping I guess i'm gonna go get some more work dome around here. It just never seems to end! :o)

Have to share this

I was looking over the blogs I follow and catching up on some of them this morning and I have to share one with you. This is probably one on my favorite blogs and I love reading her new posts but the one I read this morning was not an enjoyable one to read. Don't get me wrong, she wrote it beautifully but the subject matter was very difficult. Apparently there was a dance competition in which 7 and 8 year old girls danced to Beyonce's song "Single Ladies". It was incredibly wrong! The moves these young girls do and the clothes they are wearing are absolutely inappropriate! It is a very direct and powerful post and I just had to share it. You can read it for yourself here. Please read it and take what she says to heart! Also while you're there look around a little bit, it's truly an awesome blog!

Two peas in a pod

Konner and Lexi are absolutely best friends! They have been from day one. Konner was so filled with fascination when Lexi was born.



He very quickly decided she was pretty cool and could stick around for a while!



As soon as she could play they were inseparable. They spent almost every minuet together, always playing, (almost) always laughing! :o)



*Yes they are in a box!*



*They both had babies in their tummy because I had a baby in my tummy! :o)



All in all they are the sweetest kids and the best of friends. I pray that they always remain as close as they are now!

All grown up

We found out last week that Konner was accepted into Carver Early Childhood Academy! He will be starting Kindergarten this fall and is absolutely thrilled! We applied back in January and have been waiting all this time to find out if he was accepted, I know it's not been a super long time but for someone who has trouble being patient it felt like forever! This school is a charter public school and they only accept so many students each year, plus the students are chosen through a lottery system so there really wasn't a certain way of knowing if he would get in. So I was very grateful to get the phone call saying he'd been accepted!

Since Konner was a baby we were planing on home schooling our children, Colby and I both were home schooled ourselves and have just always planned on doing the same with our kids. But about a year ago I started really not wanting to, I really felt like the kids, especially Konner, would benefit from actually going to school. So I started looking into Carver a little more and fell in love with this school! They teach piano, spanish and dance on top of all the other regular curriculum. Then once they get into 2nd grade they can choose from other instruments and languages if they are interested. But it took some doing to talk Colby into the idea! :o) I was honest with him and told him I just didn't feel that I would be able to give the kids as good of an education as they would get going to this school. I mean I sure can't teach them spanish, piano or dance, at least not any dancing they would ever want to do in public! :o) So Colby, Konner and I went and visited the school, took a tour and absolutely loved it! Konner got to go into one of the classrooms and play on a computer and with some other kids and he loved all of it. He was so upset when we had to leave, he really wanted to stay the rest of the day!

So now that he's been accepted and he knows for sure that he is going to school this fall i'm having to really face the fact that he is growing up. When he turned 5 a couple of months ago it hit me really hard. I remembered my mom talking about my 5th birthday being so hard on her and I always thought that was weird, I mean 5 years old really isn't that old so it shouldn't be that big of a deal right? I was wrong. It hit me so hard, my little baby boy was all grown up! He was suddenly huge in my eyes and it was very hard to deal with. Now on top of all that he's getting ready to go off to school!

It honestly doesn't feel like it's been that long since he was born, a lot has happened these last 5 years and yet it still feels like he was born yesterday! I remember looking and his tiny little face and thinking "I only have you all to myself for 18 years!" Now that 18 has shrunk into 13 and continues shrinking all the time. However I plan on enjoying every single day of these next 13 years as much as I can! I love you Konner-bear and still can't believe you're old enough to go to school!!

So tired!

Yesterday I woke up feeling sooooo tired! I haven't been that tired in a really long time! I'd been up sick the night before for a couple hours so i'm guessing that was the reason for my lack on energy. But gosh, it was bad! I had trouble walking from one room to the other. I got no house work done at all. The kids pretty much played on their own for most of the day and I really did very little. It was crazy! But for some reason after giving the kids their baths and putting them to bed about 9:30 last night I suddenly got enough energy to clean the kitchen, including sweeping and mopping, as well as cleaning the whole living room! Not sure where that came from! :o)

This morning I decided I wasn't even going to give myself the opportunity to be tired. I woke up and 7:00 and took a shower, made coffee and got going with my day. The kids took their bath last night so they're already dressed and everything. Plus the house is already clean-for now-since I did it all last night. It's awesome! I'm really not a lazy person, please don't get that impression but for some reason I just had trouble moving yesterday!

But I have to say, Colby was awesome about the whole thing! When I told him I hadn't done much of anything all day his response was "Well good for you. You deserve to have a lazy lounging day now and then!" Seriously? How many husbands would tell their wife that?! He's awesome! He has never made me feel like I have to keep the kids and house looking spotless since i'm a stay at home mom. Whether I get everything done or nothing done he never treats me any different. I know of women who's husbands treat them just awful if they don't keep the house looking spotless at all times. I'm so glad Colby's not like that! This house is never spotless! :o) That may make me a bad stay at home mom but when you have a 1, 3 and 5 year old kids running around a tiny little house it's just not gonna happen! And I don't feel bad for it either! :o)

Another reason i've been so tired might be because i've been getting up way earlier than normal lately. My friend and I have been going walking every morning. We meet at either 6 or 6:30-in the morning!-and try to get in 4 miles every day. It's been awesome but I have never gotten up that early on a regular basis before so it does take some getting used to that's for sure! Plus her and I are starting a volleyball league tonight actually. We'll have practice 2 nights a week until the games start and them games and practices 1 night a week till July I think. I'm super excited but also a little nervous, I haven't played in years!! I played for 6 years in middle and high school but haven't really played since my Jr year. I've had 3 kids and gotten really out of shape since then so this should be quite interesting! :o)

Well it's time to get ready for much so I guess i'd better go. Enough sitting around for today I guess gotta get busy!! :o)

What will they remember?

I was looking over my facebook information the other day and noticed what i'd put under Job Description. I put, "I am a, chef, housekeeper, nurse, comedian, seamstress, entertainer, chauffeur, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a handy man, a maid, security, and a comforter. I don't get holiday, sick pay, or a day off, I work through the day and some of the night, I am under paid and over worked. But I must admit, I love every minute of it!!! :o)" I actually got this from someones status a while back but it so perfectly describes my days so I had to use it.

I've had a few conversations with Konner lately about the fact that I really do work. He sees his dad leave for work every day and hears us talking about his job and was convinced that since I didn't leave for work I didn't have a job. Thankfully my hubby stepped in and explained that Konner was in fact my job, along with his sisters. Taking care of them was part of my job, as well as cleaning the house and preparing meals for everyone. Konner brought it up a few times after that but was always given the same response and eventually it must have sunk in because we haven't heard anything about it in a few weeks.

But today as I re-read the description on my facebook I had to stop and ask myself if this really does describe my job as a mom. While I am all those things and while I do completely love being a mom there's just something off. Does everything in that short description cover everything? Is that all there is to me? Surely there's more to it, more to me, than that! When my kids grow up will they simply remember that I got them food and drinks when they needed them and I always had their clothes clean for them? Will they ever remember anything other than the things I did for them? Is that all there is?

When I was younger I wanted to and dreamed of the day I could make an impact on others. I was going to grow up, get a testimony-as every good little Christian does-and go out and change the world! That was my plan! But then I grew up and instead of making an impact I made some pretty stupid choices. Instead of going out and changing the world I had children and rarely do much outside of them. Instead of getting this great testimony I simply have stories of what NOT to do. That's it. Most of my plans changed, I ended up doing things I swore i'd never do and feeling very much like a failure. I didn't get the great testimony I dreamed of, I simply had stories of lots of hurt and shame.

Or did I get a testimony? Did I get something useful out of all those things? As for my dreams of making an impact, are those a complete failure? At first glance you might think so but if you'll take a closer look you'll see three very small children watching everything I do. You'll see a man who needs someone to lean on after a horrible day. You'll see a mother who looks forward to a phone call most days to simply say hi. You'll see a friend who takes morning walks and enjoys simply talking and laughing every day. You'll see a nursery full of children who need smiles on an early Sunday morning.

And what about the testimony I wanted? Well I will be the first to admit that I didn't get the one i'd dreamed of but I sure did get a testimony! I've thought a lot-and even blogged about-all the things I dreamed of and wanted to do and honestly not a lot of them have happened. I'm at a different place in life than I really thought i'd be but even here I have the opportunity to make an impact, to change lives. My days really aren't just about getting cups and changing diapers-although there are plenty of days that's all it feels like! :o) My days are about teaching, training, loving, comforting, guiding and many many other things. It may seem insignificant to many many people, and honestly it does feel that way some times, but it truly is so important.

I'm not impacting the people i'd imagined but the ones i'm impacting are so important. They are my family. The difference i'm making in their lives makes everything I do worth it. When they're older, my children will remember more than the silly insignificant things I do. My husband will remember more than the fact that at any given time I know where pretty much anything he needs is. My mom will remember more than the trouble I gave her as a child. They will remember the love, the comfort, the support, the compassion and even some of the cooking i'm sure! :o) When I look at it that way I really am ok with my job description. It really doesn't feel unimportant anymore. In fact, I think it is one of the most important jobs in the world! I am a wife. A mom. A daughter. A friend. I am simply me.

More bows!

Ok, I admit it, making bows has become my new obsession!! I don't know why it has taken me this long to finally start making them but now that I have, I do it all.the.time! I actually got my first order this week too! A girl in our church wanted some, she's 16 and her mom said she is trying to bring the 80's back! :o) So it was a bit of a challenge to make these, I didn't want them to be too "little girly" since she is 16 but they are hair bows so they need a touch of girly. Like I said, it was a bit of a challenge but in the end she seemed to like them which is of course what matters most! :o) So here they are...

I made two of this one for her, she has a school event this weekend so these were for that. They are both 5" bows and turned out super cute!



These were all just for fun and I believe they are all 5" bows as well, except for the last one, it is a 4".








So now that i've made my first order i'm back to making for the girls again. I made these for the girls easter dresses. Would you believe we didn't get any pics of them in their dresses? They had matching dresses and bows and my photographer husband didn't get any pictures of them! We're bad parents! :o) We have decided we'll have to go up to Colby's work and take some photographs of them in their easter clothes because they just looked too dang cute! Anyways, here's their easter bows. This one was Lexi's...



And this was Logyn's...




These I made just for fun, I even made 2 of each of them for pigtails! :o)






And this one I made just for fun, I don't really know of much that Lexi has to match it but I got the idea for it and it ended up looking so cute! So eventually i'll have to find something that matches it just for the simple fact that it's cute! :o)




Ok, i'll stop for now...and I promise to blog about something other than bows next time! Cards maybe... :o)

Bows

My last post was about the bow board I made so I decided I should post now about some of the bows i've made. It's harder and yet easier than it looks. It's harder because unless you learn some tricks you're out of luck and will just end up with a big knot! But once you learn the tricks it's actually pretty simple....and for me it's getting addicting! :o)

Ok so here are my very first bows, I made two of the same kind because I love putting my girls in pig-tails!



Now these aren't the greatest bows in the world but they're also not the worst ones out there either so just bear with me. It gets better... :o)

With this one I tried to get a little more elaborate. This one-according to the website I was using-is called a loopy surround bow. Once again, this is the first one like this i've made so it's not great. I'm totally going to have to make another one and see if I can do better.



Here is my first cheerleader bow....seriously, who comes up with the names for these things?!



This was my first attempt at a stacked boutique bow...i'll show you what a good-or at least decent-stacked boutique bow should look like next.





Isn't that much better?! :o)

Then these are just some basic boutique bows...the princess one is of course Lexi's favorite! :o)








That's all the bows I have for now but like I said, it's getting addictive so i'm sure i'll be back to post more soon! :o)