To Busy To Get Busy

I talked on Wednesday about being too busy during the holidays and gave a few ideas on how to make this time of the year a little less stressful. Now let's talk about how busyness can affect our marriage.

Girls let's face it, we work from the time our feet hit the floor in the morning until we collapse into bed at night. I doesn't matter if we are stay-at-home-moms or we also work outside of the home, we are constantly going and the holidays are no different! With that being the case, I think that sometimes we can get so busy we begin to neglect not only are interaction with our husbands but we can also begin to neglect them sexually. Now it's been awhile since i've talked about sex on here so bare with me as I blush my way through this subject once again. :o)

We all know how important it is to set aside time just for you and your husband. But how often is that the first thing to go when we get busy? It's so easy to push it aside and fill our time with everything else going on around us, but it can do such harm to your marriage.

My husband and I have 3 children all 6 and under so we stay very busy in our house. It seems like one of them needs something from us every few minuets, so that along with all the housework that comes from a family of 5 can run me ragged. By the time the kids get in bed and we finally have "us" time i'm often to exhausted to do anything other than sit in a coma-like state!

But sometimes my husband needs me to wake up and show him a little attention! I have to be very careful to not use every bit of my energy on the housework and kids, but to purposely reserve some of that energy for him. My husband is like any other man around in the fact that he has needs, sometimes he simply needs to sit with me and watch our favorite tv show after the kids are in bed. And of course sometimes he needs intimacy, which requires me to have enough energy to be an active participant!

So i'm adding one more challenge to the list from Wednesday...

Get Busy! ;o)
Take some time over the next day or two and look over your schedule, find a couple of things you can give up or push back to another day in order to leave yourself more refreshed at the end of the day. Put the kids to bed a little earlier and take a bath to relax yourself if you need to but then poor yourself into your husband! Don't make him beg for your attention or intimacy with you, you be the one to make time for it and initiate it. Save some of your energy and attention for your husband and I promise you it will pay off!

Anything Else?

After looking over my last few posts, I think i'm done with the topic of sex. But before I move on to other marriage issues I wanted to check with all of you. Is there anything that I haven't discussed that you would like to read about? If so, leave a comment below or email me at joinmeforcoffeeblog(at)gmail(dot)com. You can leave a comment anonymously if you would like and I will not publish your name if you send a question in an email. This can be a bit of an embarrassing subject so I understand if someone would like to keep themselves anonymous. And by the way, thank you all so much for your interest in this blog! You are all such wonderful readers.

Fun Friday: I Want It More!

On my Fun Friday post last week, I received a comment asking me to address this question. "What do you do when the wife wants sex more than their husband"? This is actually a topic that is close to my heart because it is something I lived for most of my marriage!

I, like most other women, heard that men always want sex. Once you get married your life would be about nothing but that right? Well that is not always the case, and it was not the case in my marriage. I will be very honest with you, I was hurt, confused and felt very unwanted by my husband. I looked everywhere for advice on how to deal with this subject but never found any. Nobody ever talks about what to do if you sex drive is higher than your husband! So then I started feeling dirty. I felt like there was something wrong with me because girls aren't supposed to want it more. We are supposed to be the ones turning down our husbands and having the "headaches" that often appear with marriage right?

One of the hardest moments for me came after we had been married for, I think, 4 years. I was at a girls only q&a night with our church. We were able to ask anonymous questions, so of course I asked this questions. It ended up being the first question read by the woman in charge and as soon as she read "What do you do if you have a higher sex drive than your husband?" another girl there said "Rejoice!" and everyone in the room started laughing. I felt so embarrassed and at that moment really felt like I had been right, there was something wrong with me. The question never really got answered above the "It is true that some women have a higher sex drive" basic answer and I still left with no answer.

After that I figured I had looked everywhere and talked to everyone except the One I really needed to talk to, the very One who had created me this way. I spent a lot of time praying about it and begging God to take my sex drive away, but He didn't. Instead, He gave me the courage to really talk to my husband about this issue and He gave me the right words to say. See, I think every other time I had talked to him, I ended up just making him feel like there was something wrong with him for not having the high sex drive that he was "supposed" to have. He was left feeling that he was a disappointment and had let me down in our marriage. Well anyone knows that you can not force someones drive to increase. Every single person is created different and unique and I believe that every person has a very unique sex drive as well.

So let me give a few tips to any woman that might be dealing with this issue in her marriage.

1. Pray
Never ever forget that God created you to be uniquely you! I know that at times it can be so discouraging to be in this situation and you feel very alone, but you are not alone. God is always there to cry out to about every area and trust me when I say, your sex life is not off limits with Him. He created sex. He designed sex to give you and your spouse pleasure. Why would it not be ok to talk to Him about problems you are having? I remember one of my most common prayers when dealing with this was "God, please decrease my drive and increase my husbands drive". Always take it to God, He is the only one that can truly fix the problem.

2. Talk to your husband
For quite some time I honestly thought that my husband was simply not attracted to me and that was causing his lack of interest in sex. It took a long time, and almost reaching a point of desperation, to actually take what was in my heart and all of my hurt to him. I explained exactly how it felt to be brushed off regularly and I told him that I really thought he was not attracted to me at all. I know that my husband loves me, so when he was faced with my hurt, a hurt that he had unintentionally caused, he was very upset. Because I hadn't been truly honest with him he didn't have a clue how deep the hurt went and therefore could do nothing to change that. Now I don't want anyone to think that things changed overnight, because that's simply not the case. But he did begin to make an honest effort and worked hard to say yes more often than no. One thing you could try is creating a special code for the two of you, anytime that code is used he knows to not turn you down unless it's a life or death situation. Marriage is about sacrifice and that also goes for your marriage bed. As I said in another post, your bed is not the place to be selfish and that goes for both the husband and the wife!

3. Do your part
I had a really bad habit of letting my husband know that I was in the mood and then leaving it up to him to pursue me. Well when he was tired or had a long day at work, he wasn't in the mood and wanted to go to sleep. Then I would get very hurt that he wasn't pursuing me! What I should have done was let him know I was interested shortly after he got home, that way he knew not to fall asleep as soon as he got into bed, and then pursue him. Now as someone who has been turned down many times before, I do understand being very gun-shy and not wanting to initiate things. But after you have an honest heart to heart with you husband you have to do your best to put that behind you and start fresh. This means you can't hold the 30 times he's turned you down in the last six months against him. You have to let go and start over. Easier said than done I know, but it is the only way to move on.

Those are the top three things I would suggest to someone in this situation. Now, obviously, every person and every situation is different so there may be many more things to suggest in some cases. If you have tried each of these steps and nothing has changed, I would advise you to seek the counsel of a Christian adviser. It is a very hard place to be in but I can say with certainty that you are not alone in this! Never give up hope that your marriage can improve and that goes for your sex life. It does not matter if you have been married five years of thirty-five years, it can always improve!

I love how Paul addressed this issue in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (this is from The Message version)...
Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

This verse is often said to women but it is very clearly meant for men too. There is no biblical reason for a man to constantly turn his wife down! He is to make a habit of sacrificing himself to meet the needs of his wife. You both gave up the rights to your own body and to calling the shots when you got married. Men who are in this situation need to choose now to lay down themselves and meet the needs of their wives.

Each Friday I tackle the thoughts and questions of my readers. If there is something you would like me to discuss feel free to either leave a comment below or email me at joinmeforcoffeeblog(at)gmail(dot)com.

Another "Keep Out"?

After my last post on things that should stay out of your sex life, the topic of anal sex was brought up to me as something to keep out so I wanted to address it specifically. This one is a bit tricky I think. I believe that Christians especially struggle over this issue because of the connection between this type of sex and homosexuality (also there can be a bit of a "yuck" factor to it for some people).

As for my beliefs on this subject? I did a lot of study today and really tried to find anything in the bible that addressed this issue, as well as look at the health side of it. After looking into it, I still don't have a solid opinion one way or the other.

As far as I could find, anywhere it was addressed in the bible was in reference to homosexuality and that is very clearly wrong. But within the confines of a marriage between a man and a woman? I couldn't find a definite "No" on that matter.

And on the health side of it, I found one SITE that said "Anal sex may also cause physical damage to the rectum and anus, especially if intercourse is forcible or aggressive. So it should be done only when your partner is completely aware and willing to have anal sex." So from the physical side of it, it is possible to cause harm if not careful. However if both of you are comfortable with it and show extreme care, there could be no harm at all.

So I think i'm still where I was when I started my study. I believe that this issue falls under the "comfortable" or "not comfortable" categories. I think that both of you should be completely comfortable with it or it should not even be considered. And if your spouse is not comfortable with this type of sex, they should not be made to feel guilty in any way!

So, there's my thoughts on the matter. :) Anyone else care to share their thoughts one way or the other? I'd love to hear other's views on this issue!

By the way I have to say, I can not believe I just wrote a post on this subject. Please don't tell my mother! :o)

Keep It OUT!

When it comes to your sex life as a married couple I think almost anything goes, I believe it was made to be fun and enjoyed by both you and your spouse. But there are some things that simply do not belong in your relationship!

1. Pornography
I firmly believe that any and every kind of pornography is 100% wrong! It is never ok under any circumstances. Period. Pornography is adultery no matter how you look at it. Sex is to be between you and your spouse and by viewing any kind of pornography, you are bringing other's into your bed with you. This is an issue that is very close to my heart because it's something that we have dealt with personally in our marriage. *Before I go any further, you all need to know that I have my husbands complete permission to share this.*

At the age of 14 my husband was introduced to and became addicted to pornography. For the three years before we met his addiction was not stopped and unknown to me, this addiction was brought into our marriage. I knew he had dealt with this the years before we met but I did not fully understand how this addiction works and naively thought that it was not a problem anymore. But I was wrong. I vividly remember the first time I discovered it in our home. I remember the hurt, betrayal and complete unbelief that this was something he was still dealing with.

We were able to work through it and move on. However we ended up dealing with it a few more times over the next few years. Each time it hurt worse and the betrayal was harder to deal with. Finally we did what we should have done all along, we took it to one of our pastors and sought outside help. I had felt all along that his viewing it was somehow because of something I wasn't doing right, or because I didn't look like the girls he had seen. But finally after talking to our pastor I realized that it was simply an addiction. It was wrong and it was a form of adultery, but it was a result of years of an addiction and not a result of something I had done wrong.

However regardless of the reason, it was not allowed to stay in our home. The intimacy and trust between my husband and I was greatly damaged and it took time to repair it. Without trust between you and your spouse it can be difficult, if not impossible, to have sex. And when pornography is in the picture, trust is out of the picture.

Now I know there are some couples that engage in pornography together and try to justify it that way, but it is still wrong. Sex was made to be between a husband and wife only! Any form of pornography is perverted, wrong and a sin. On the opposite end, sex between a husband and wife is pure, right and even holy. There is no way the two can mix and coexist together. The perversion of the pornography will tarnish the purity of your sexual relationship every time!

If pornography is something you are dealing with I strongly encourage you to seek counsel from a christian counselor or pastor. Do not sit back and feel like you have to accept it! It is wrong and you have every right to call it wrong. There is also a website, www.covenanteyes.com , that I HIGHLY recommend looking into. It is a great way to create accountability and work on getting rid of this addiction.

I also want to add something to those dealing with pornography here. Struggling with this addiction does not make a person evil. Yes, I believe that all forms of pornography are perverted and bring perversion into your marriage and your life, this addiction does not make you, the individual person, perverted! It is a sin and an addiction, but it is something you can overcome through Jesus. As long as see this addiction for what it truly is, and look to Christ as the only One who can free you from it, you can be set free!

2. Control
Control has absolutely no place in your bed. Sex was created to be a consensual and enjoyable experience for you and your spouse, and control removes both of those things from the experience. You should never force your spouse to have sex with you or do anything during sex that makes them uncomfortable. Now I understand that trying new things can be a bit uncomfortable but that is not what i'm talking about here. I'm referring to things your spouse does not want to do, things that feel wrong to them or even things that they really just don't like. Again, you have to remember that this is supposed to be a fun, enjoyable experience for both of you. Never do anything to make your spouse feel unsafe with you in your bed! This is a time that you have to be at your most comfortable, and when you strip your spouse of their trust of you by controlling them you can ruin a beautiful experience.

3. Other people
This one should be a given but I don't want to leave it unsaid. Your sex life was created for you and your spouse. ONLY. It is never ok to bring another person into it. There is never a situation that makes it ok. It does not matter if both of you say that it is ok with you, it is a sin, it is wrong and it falls under the category of adultery. Period!

As far as i'm concerned, anything that falls under any of these three categories is off limits and should be kept out of your sex life. However pretty much everything else, I believe, is allowed. It's so important to remember that when Gods says something is off limits it is for our benefit and not because He wants to take something fun away. Instead of looking at the things we can't allow in our bedroom, look at all the things we can allow in our bedroom. Thank God for the wonderful gift of sexual intimacy with your spouse. After all, He is the one who created it!

What do you think? Is there anything that I didn't mention that you feel is not allowed?

Sex part 2

Last Friday I started tackling the fun subject of sex, but there is so much to say on this topic and so many things to discuss that I had to stop right in the middle. So we'll just start right where we left off...

Let's talk about orgasms. I am going to be very open and honest in this post so if this is a subject that makes you uncomfortable please feel free to not read any further. Orgasm was one of the hardest words for me to learn to say, I don't really know why but it always just sounded bad or dirty to me. But very quickly in my marriage I found out that it was very important. It was important to my husband that I reach orgasm each time we had sex and if I didn't he felt like he had failed in some way. The more I talked to people and looked into it myself I discovered that it can really take a lot of work for women to reach orgasm! I had never heard that before and was very surprised. In fact did you know that statistically 2 out of 3 women can not reach an orgasm without direct stimulation with a toy or by hand? That's a big majority! Yet often men and women alike can feel like something is wrong, or they are doing something wrong, if the woman can not reach it through just intercourse.

Guys, on the other hand can very naturally and easily reach orgasm through just intercourse and most often, that is the only method used. With that being the case, a lot of men just can't understand why their wives aren't the same. Well guys, the answer is very simple...your wife is a woman and was therefore made differently. You should never get frustrated with her over this! That is one of the easiest ways to turn her off from sex and make her never want it.

Let me also say, sex is not the time to be selfish. If you get into bed thinking how much YOU need it and how long it's been since YOU have had it YOU can ruin it. Sex was designed to be something you and your spouse share and that goes for the whole experience. I think very often men have a habit of a "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" sex life. When that's all it is, you and your wife are greatly missing out on a wonderful experience. Men, you need to take the time to learn you wife's body, discover exactly what it takes to get her to the point of orgasm. It is something that takes time, practice and patience but it is absolutely reachable.

Now girls, you have a role in this as well! You have to be open and honest with your spouse. Talk to him and even show him exactly what you like and don't like. Your husband is not a mind reader in any other area of life so do not expect in it this area. Now I understand how difficult this can be, it doesn't matter how long you have been having sex, talking about it can be very awkward! But I promise you, if your husband can learn your body and what you like, sex can become an incredible experience and something you really look forward to.

If you are struggling in your sex life I encourage you to talk openly to each other about those struggles. The most important thing is honesty in your marriage and that goes for your sex life as well. Also, I strongly suggest getting a couple of books to help you in this area. They are "Sheet Music" and "Turn Up The Heat", both by Dr. Kevin Leman. These are excellent books and can be a huge help to you, as well as answer many common questions people have.

I'm not quite done with this subject but will stop for now. Next i'm planning on talking about some things that should stay out of your sex life!

Fun Friday!

This is my first Fun Friday post and i'm super excited! About a week ago I asked my readers if there was anything specific they would like to read about on here. The purpose of this blog is to have a place you can come and find something real and relevant to your life, so what better way to do that than ask for your thoughts?!

The first comment I received was from an anonymous reader who said "Sex is always a great topic. I love Christian blogs that are open and straight forward about sex, instead of treating it like some taboo subject Christians shouldn't even think about." Wouldn't you know this would be the first thing I get to talk about! :o)

First of all I need to say that everything I say on this subject will only be directed to those already married. Sex outside of marriage is wrong and I want no part in encouraging or teaching anyone who is not married to have a good sex life. Having said that, I may blush while writing this and you may blush while reading this but let's dive right in...

In most Christian circles sex is viewed as an "off limits" subject. It is done in private so it should not be talked about in public right? Wrong! Like almost every other part of marriage, sex is not something that you are great at the day you get married and you can very quickly develop problems. If you need to learn how to communicate effectively, wouldn't it make sense that you would also need to learn how to have a great and effective sex life?

When you get married, you walk in with all kinds of expectations, and regardless of your background you have some kind of expectation of what your sex life will be like. Most men assume that they will be having sex several times a week and most women assume it will happen every once in a while and you'll spend much more time just cuddling. Then when expectations are not met there are problems and hurt feelings, as there are in any area of marriage when expectations are not met. So lets break this down and talk about his needs and her needs.

First off, guys need sex. Period. God created them this way and no woman should ever make her husband feel bad or perverted for wanting it. I think in most marriages, women say no to their husbands far more often than yes. Your marriage may not start out that way but after a few years "no" becomes you most used word. You can do so much harm to your husband and your marriage when you constantly turn him down and push him away. Instead of saying "Not tonight" learn to say "Why not tonight?". Men think about sex often, they just do, it's their comfort food. Girls, how often do you think about chocolate or potato chips? The more stressed your day is, the more you think about that comfort food right? Well guys think about their comfort food, it's just different from yours. Thinking about sex with you is no more wrong, weird or gross than you thinking about chocolate!

Guys also need you to be an active participant, just being there is not enough. No man wants to feel like his wife is with him out of obligation. Girls, when you want to talk to your husband but it feels like pulling teeth to get him to communicate, it takes so much joy out of it and it's not worth it right? That's how it is for guys. If you make sex something he has to jump through hoops to get, it takes so much out of it. Sex should not be something you dangle in front of him to get him to do what you want, and unless he performs tasks A, B and C he won't get it. That is manipulation which is a form of witchcraft and it has no place in your marriage!

Now guys, look at some things that girls need when it comes to sex. While it it true that most women do not have the sex drive most men have, they do still have needs when it comes to that. For your wife, sex is about much more than intercourse, it is about intimacy. Without intimacy it can be very difficult for a woman to have and enjoy a healthy sex life. Now, look at the definition of the word intimacy, "a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person". Did you see the word "sex" anywhere in that definition? Nope, neither did I. Fact is, intimacy does not mean sex. Sounds complicated doesn't it? Well remember, you are still dealing with a woman. :o) Let me try to explain it the best I can...

Intimacy for a woman is very plainly, a closeness. Your wife wants to feel close to you, closer in fact than any other person in the world. She wants to know everything about you and have you know everything about her. She wants you to be able to sense what she is feeling and desiring at all times. Now while it is not realistic for you to know those things at all times, with true study of her you can get to be pretty good at it. And i'll be very honest with you, without that true intimacy outside of the bedroom it can be very difficult for a woman to be intimate with you in the bedroom.

Guys, you have to get involved in her life. You can not just show up at the end of your work day, plop yourself down on the couch and watch tv, hardly talk to her or your kids, be of no help to her in the house and expect her to go skipping into bed once you're ready. If you want a wife that is interested and active in bed, you have to be interested and active out of bed!

Also don't forget that sex is about meeting both of your physical needs. If it is always all about you, your wife will begin to lose interest in it and can even dread sex. When she dreads it, you will begin to hear "no" much more often. You have to learn what pleases your wife, explore a little (nothing that makes either of you uncomfortable). If you can figure out what it takes to please your wife I promise you, she will become a much more willing participant!

Ok I have to stop for now, but I have plenty more to say on this subject (including discussing the big O) so i'm going to continue this next week. Please feel free to leave comments about this post as well as any thoughts or questions you have for future Fun Friday post.

This post is linked up with Time Warp Wife. Far Above Rubies and Women Living Well.