Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Back and forth. Up and down.

Last week I talked about striving to become more like the Proverbs 31 woman. I shared a little bit of my heart and even asked others to join me in this effort. I then spent the next day failing miserably. Things were horrible in my home. I did very little house work, I argued with the kids (yes I do know that I am their mother and there should be no arguing with my children) and did not go out of my way to help my husband with anything around our house.

It's so hard to explain but I woke up the next morning completely overwhelmed with the task I felt had been placed on me. I got out of bed feeling inadequate and started to believe that it was already to late to make any changes. The second my feet hit the floor I was hit with shame over everything i've failed at as a mother, a house keeper, a wife, and the list goes on and on. I should have seen this for exactly what it was, an attack from Satan himself, but I didn't. I allowed myself to wallow in my self pity and inadequate feelings for most of the day.

But by 6:00 that evening I finally started snapping out of it. It almost felt like blinders falling off my eyes, allowing me to actually see what was going on. I managed to get myself up, make dinner for my family and get my house cleaned up. I ended up creating more work for myself my putting it off for most of the day but by the time I went to bed that night things in my home had been righted. I had a clean house. I was able to love on and snuggle my children. I also was able to give to my husband, I took care of the kids at bed time so he would be able to get his work done that he'd not been able to get to.

Since that day I have worked on pushing those feelings away anytime they try to take over. Yes, they do still come, quite regularly in fact. But i'm doing my best to see them for exactly what they are, an attempt to distract me and discourage me from doing what God has given me to do. There have been more failures, I have sat down when I should have been up working. I have fed sandwiches when I should have cooked something. I have sent the kids to their rooms to play when I should have gotten down and played with them. But, I have not quit. I will continue to fight this fight and not give up. I love what Paul says in Philippians 3:12-14 "I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back."

That's where i'm at. I'm not there yet, not even close, but i'm still pushing forward. Like I said before, this is a long term goal and I refuse to give up!

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