Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Keep It OUT!

When it comes to your sex life as a married couple I think almost anything goes, I believe it was made to be fun and enjoyed by both you and your spouse. But there are some things that simply do not belong in your relationship!

1. Pornography
I firmly believe that any and every kind of pornography is 100% wrong! It is never ok under any circumstances. Period. Pornography is adultery no matter how you look at it. Sex is to be between you and your spouse and by viewing any kind of pornography, you are bringing other's into your bed with you. This is an issue that is very close to my heart because it's something that we have dealt with personally in our marriage. *Before I go any further, you all need to know that I have my husbands complete permission to share this.*

At the age of 14 my husband was introduced to and became addicted to pornography. For the three years before we met his addiction was not stopped and unknown to me, this addiction was brought into our marriage. I knew he had dealt with this the years before we met but I did not fully understand how this addiction works and naively thought that it was not a problem anymore. But I was wrong. I vividly remember the first time I discovered it in our home. I remember the hurt, betrayal and complete unbelief that this was something he was still dealing with.

We were able to work through it and move on. However we ended up dealing with it a few more times over the next few years. Each time it hurt worse and the betrayal was harder to deal with. Finally we did what we should have done all along, we took it to one of our pastors and sought outside help. I had felt all along that his viewing it was somehow because of something I wasn't doing right, or because I didn't look like the girls he had seen. But finally after talking to our pastor I realized that it was simply an addiction. It was wrong and it was a form of adultery, but it was a result of years of an addiction and not a result of something I had done wrong.

However regardless of the reason, it was not allowed to stay in our home. The intimacy and trust between my husband and I was greatly damaged and it took time to repair it. Without trust between you and your spouse it can be difficult, if not impossible, to have sex. And when pornography is in the picture, trust is out of the picture.

Now I know there are some couples that engage in pornography together and try to justify it that way, but it is still wrong. Sex was made to be between a husband and wife only! Any form of pornography is perverted, wrong and a sin. On the opposite end, sex between a husband and wife is pure, right and even holy. There is no way the two can mix and coexist together. The perversion of the pornography will tarnish the purity of your sexual relationship every time!

If pornography is something you are dealing with I strongly encourage you to seek counsel from a christian counselor or pastor. Do not sit back and feel like you have to accept it! It is wrong and you have every right to call it wrong. There is also a website, , that I HIGHLY recommend looking into. It is a great way to create accountability and work on getting rid of this addiction.

I also want to add something to those dealing with pornography here. Struggling with this addiction does not make a person evil. Yes, I believe that all forms of pornography are perverted and bring perversion into your marriage and your life, this addiction does not make you, the individual person, perverted! It is a sin and an addiction, but it is something you can overcome through Jesus. As long as see this addiction for what it truly is, and look to Christ as the only One who can free you from it, you can be set free!

2. Control
Control has absolutely no place in your bed. Sex was created to be a consensual and enjoyable experience for you and your spouse, and control removes both of those things from the experience. You should never force your spouse to have sex with you or do anything during sex that makes them uncomfortable. Now I understand that trying new things can be a bit uncomfortable but that is not what i'm talking about here. I'm referring to things your spouse does not want to do, things that feel wrong to them or even things that they really just don't like. Again, you have to remember that this is supposed to be a fun, enjoyable experience for both of you. Never do anything to make your spouse feel unsafe with you in your bed! This is a time that you have to be at your most comfortable, and when you strip your spouse of their trust of you by controlling them you can ruin a beautiful experience.

3. Other people
This one should be a given but I don't want to leave it unsaid. Your sex life was created for you and your spouse. ONLY. It is never ok to bring another person into it. There is never a situation that makes it ok. It does not matter if both of you say that it is ok with you, it is a sin, it is wrong and it falls under the category of adultery. Period!

As far as i'm concerned, anything that falls under any of these three categories is off limits and should be kept out of your sex life. However pretty much everything else, I believe, is allowed. It's so important to remember that when Gods says something is off limits it is for our benefit and not because He wants to take something fun away. Instead of looking at the things we can't allow in our bedroom, look at all the things we can allow in our bedroom. Thank God for the wonderful gift of sexual intimacy with your spouse. After all, He is the one who created it!

What do you think? Is there anything that I didn't mention that you feel is not allowed?


Anonymous said...

This may fall under the "other people" category, but I think imagining you're with someone else is also not allowed. I read somewhere that some people like to imagine they're having sex with some actor they like, instead of with their spouse. Now, I think role playing is totally fine. Like if the two of you like to imagine your husband is James Bond and you're the sexy lady he seduces or something like that. But if you're imagining you're having sex with the actual actor who plays James Bond instead of your husband, that's wrong.

Jamie said...

Anonymous- That is an excellent point! I do think it would fall under the "other people" category but i'm glad you brought it up. Other people do not belong in your bed or in your mind!