Monday, July 25, 2011

You Can't Change Them!!!

There are a couple of things to talk about when talking about change in a marriage, so I’m just going to take them one at a time.

I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make in the married world is marrying someone with the intent to change them. This seems to be a huge struggle for us girls! We were created with a tendency to "mother" those around us, and as a mother to our children it is our job to train and guide them. But I think very often we can start to transfer those tendencies onto our husbands and start mothering him. That is never a good thing!

This can be a very tricky area sometimes. I believe there is nothing wrong with expecting things from your spouse. There is a certain give and take that comes with marriage and when either one of you are not keeping up with your end of things it can throw your whole marriage off. However, it's very important to remember that you can not force your spouse to do these things or to change their personality in any way!

When my husband and I first got married I made the very common mistake of thinking I could change him into my idea of who he should be. He loved to play video games, he liked to hang out with a friend of his, he liked to play around on the computer messing with this goofy thing called Photoshop and it drove me completely crazy! I didn't feel that he was being a good husband and then father when our son was born. So I made it my job to change him into the person I thought he should be. Let me admit right now that I was a complete and utter failure at it! My husband is a completely different person now than he was when we first married but it had nothing at all to do with me.

I would love to be able to tell you to just do A, B and C and you can change your spouse, but I just can't do that. You see, you have absolutely no ability to change your spouse. It's not possible. There is nothing you can to do change their personality or their very nature. Nothing. The sooner you understand that and accept it the better off your marriage will be.

Now, does that mean there is nothing in your spouse that needs to change? Not at all! As I said before, there were plenty of things about Colby that he needed to change. It simply was, and is, impossible for me to change him. That is only something God and Colby can do. If there is something that needs changed in your spouse, He is the only one that can be effective at all. You getting in there and trying to fix the problem will do nothing but make it worse.

The only person you can change is you. Period. Now I know we all have a tendency to see to see what our spouse and others around us need to change but believe it or not, there's a pretty good chance that you have plenty to work on in yourself. See, if you focus on what you need to change, and your spouse focuses on what they need to change, that will cause your marriage to grow and improve so quickly.

So for the next few days, every time you see something in your spouse that you want them to change take that time to pray for them. If it's something you really feel they need to change, then ask God to work on them. But, for everything you want them to change, I want you to look at yourself and find something you need to change. Believe me, you will find things! As soon as you take the magnifying glass off of your spouse and put it on yourself, you'll be shocked at what you find!

Next we're going to talk about some things we need to maximize and minimize in our marriages. It's going to be great! :o)


Anonymous said...

I can honestly say that I have never attempted to change my husband, even the things that have irritated me over the years. Simply being the best spouse I know how to be has created more change than anything else I could of hoped for. If YOUr are working diligently on becoming who G-d wants YOU to be, that influence leaks over without you having to do a thing! Great post!

Meagan said...

Thanks for the words of wisdom and the encouragement :)