On my Fun Friday post last week, I received a comment asking me to address this question. "What do you do when the wife wants sex more than their husband"? This is actually a topic that is close to my heart because it is something I lived for most of my marriage!
I, like most other women, heard that men always want sex. Once you get married your life would be about nothing but that right? Well that is not always the case, and it was not the case in my marriage. I will be very honest with you, I was hurt, confused and felt very unwanted by my husband. I looked everywhere for advice on how to deal with this subject but never found any. Nobody ever talks about what to do if you sex drive is higher than your husband! So then I started feeling dirty. I felt like there was something wrong with me because girls aren't supposed to want it more. We are supposed to be the ones turning down our husbands and having the "headaches" that often appear with marriage right?
One of the hardest moments for me came after we had been married for, I think, 4 years. I was at a girls only q&a night with our church. We were able to ask anonymous questions, so of course I asked this questions. It ended up being the first question read by the woman in charge and as soon as she read "What do you do if you have a higher sex drive than your husband?" another girl there said "Rejoice!" and everyone in the room started laughing. I felt so embarrassed and at that moment really felt like I had been right, there was something wrong with me. The question never really got answered above the "It is true that some women have a higher sex drive" basic answer and I still left with no answer.
After that I figured I had looked everywhere and talked to everyone except the One I really needed to talk to, the very One who had created me this way. I spent a lot of time praying about it and begging God to take my sex drive away, but He didn't. Instead, He gave me the courage to really talk to my husband about this issue and He gave me the right words to say. See, I think every other time I had talked to him, I ended up just making him feel like there was something wrong with him for not having the high sex drive that he was "supposed" to have. He was left feeling that he was a disappointment and had let me down in our marriage. Well anyone knows that you can not force someones drive to increase. Every single person is created different and unique and I believe that every person has a very unique sex drive as well.
So let me give a few tips to any woman that might be dealing with this issue in her marriage.
Never ever forget that God created you to be uniquely you! I know that at times it can be so discouraging to be in this situation and you feel very alone, but you are not alone. God is always there to cry out to about every area and trust me when I say, your sex life is not off limits with Him. He created sex. He designed sex to give you and your spouse pleasure. Why would it not be ok to talk to Him about problems you are having? I remember one of my most common prayers when dealing with this was "God, please decrease my drive and increase my husbands drive". Always take it to God, He is the only one that can truly fix the problem.
2. Talk to your husband
For quite some time I honestly thought that my husband was simply not attracted to me and that was causing his lack of interest in sex. It took a long time, and almost reaching a point of desperation, to actually take what was in my heart and all of my hurt to him. I explained exactly how it felt to be brushed off regularly and I told him that I really thought he was not attracted to me at all. I know that my husband loves me, so when he was faced with my hurt, a hurt that he had unintentionally caused, he was very upset. Because I hadn't been truly honest with him he didn't have a clue how deep the hurt went and therefore could do nothing to change that. Now I don't want anyone to think that things changed overnight, because that's simply not the case. But he did begin to make an honest effort and worked hard to say yes more often than no. One thing you could try is creating a special code for the two of you, anytime that code is used he knows to not turn you down unless it's a life or death situation. Marriage is about sacrifice and that also goes for your marriage bed. As I said in another post, your bed is not the place to be selfish and that goes for both the husband and the wife!
3. Do your part
I had a really bad habit of letting my husband know that I was in the mood and then leaving it up to him to pursue me. Well when he was tired or had a long day at work, he wasn't in the mood and wanted to go to sleep. Then I would get very hurt that he wasn't pursuing me! What I should have done was let him know I was interested shortly after he got home, that way he knew not to fall asleep as soon as he got into bed, and then pursue him. Now as someone who has been turned down many times before, I do understand being very gun-shy and not wanting to initiate things. But after you have an honest heart to heart with you husband you have to do your best to put that behind you and start fresh. This means you can't hold the 30 times he's turned you down in the last six months against him. You have to let go and start over. Easier said than done I know, but it is the only way to move on.
Those are the top three things I would suggest to someone in this situation. Now, obviously, every person and every situation is different so there may be many more things to suggest in some cases. If you have tried each of these steps and nothing has changed, I would advise you to seek the counsel of a Christian adviser. It is a very hard place to be in but I can say with certainty that you are not alone in this! Never give up hope that your marriage can improve and that goes for your sex life. It does not matter if you have been married five years of thirty-five years, it can always improve!
I love how Paul addressed this issue in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (this is from The Message version)...
Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.
This verse is often said to women but it is very clearly meant for men too. There is no biblical reason for a man to constantly turn his wife down! He is to make a habit of sacrificing himself to meet the needs of his wife. You both gave up the rights to your own body and to calling the shots when you got married. Men who are in this situation need to choose now to lay down themselves and meet the needs of their wives.
Each Friday I tackle the thoughts and questions of my readers. If there is something you would like me to discuss feel free to either leave a comment below or email me at joinmeforcoffeeblog(at)gmail(dot)com.